Mum is dying

Hi,

I’ve never used something like this before… but right now I am desperate for help so here goes. My mum first had breast cancer in 2003, and it came back in 2010, and had spread to her lungs. She had a range of drugs which kept it stable for time and then stopped working and so they moved onto the next one etc. Recently, she was in and out of hospital all the time, with dehydration and temperatures. The cancer spread to her stomach, liver and throat, meaning she now can’t talk or eat or drink anything. She was in hospital for 3 weeks deteriorating before they said there was nothing more they could do, and so she has been moved to a Sue Ryder hospice to end her life, saying she has maybe days or weeks left (now 5 days into this).

I am absolutely heartbroken… my mum is literally my best friend and my whole world. Me and my brother are at university but lived with her in the holidays. We have now had to move in with my dad, as it was too emotional to be in mums house without her. I am struggling so much, everyday I see her she is getting weaker and weaker and its breaking my heart. I just want to make everything better but there is nothing we can do.

I am so so scared for the future, i literally cannot imagine life without her. Christmas is coming up and I just don’t even want to think about it without my mum. Has anyone been in a similar situation that can just tell me it will be ok because I’m struggling to see that I will get through this.

Thank you xxxx

Oh Sophie,

Im so sorry to read your mail and know what you are coping with. It is heartbreaking enough to know that mom has suffered for so long. All the things you are going through at this time and thoughts racing what Christmas & future will be etc.I wish i could make it sound easy as i my wife passed away 4 weeks ago. Im still crying but the turmoil you are in now does subside. If only i could have said to myself -slow down today is enough to cope with. Oh no i was climbing the walls. The one thing i can say though is- I held it together if only to tell her everything i needed to say , Reassure her that she meant everything to me. Be there for the moment because its a very precious time. Give mom peace to know you will all be ok. Im so pleased she,s in the hospice you can rest assured she,s in good hands. The pain of losing someone close that you love is the hardest thing. Thats why im on here because someone might just say the right thing. I hope i have and im praying for you all xx

Hi Sophie123,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry that you have had the heartbreaking news that your mum has days or weeks.

I hope that you and she are receiving good care and support at our hospice.

This site is a place where you can write honestly about what you are feeling and get support from people who understand. I am glad to see you have already had a supportive response from Pete.

You may also find it helpful to have a read of some of our recent posts from others who are facing the death of a loved one.

Sissy, whose dad has advanced prostate cancer: https://support.sueryder.org/community/end-life/my-dad-going-die
Maxiumus, whose partner is dying: https://support.sueryder.org/community/end-life/not-coping-he-dying

If you have any questions about this site, or there is anything I can help you with, just give me a shout.

Thank you so much for your responses, it means so much that someone has even read it.

Sadly, she passed away this morning about half an hour after I had woken up to sit with her. At least I can take happiness knowing that it was so peaceful and me and my brother were holding her hand throughout. The bit I found most difficult was seeing her once they had cleaned her up, in a small room all cold and lifeless. It was the most horrible thing seeing her like that, but an image that I know will never leave my head.

I am only 20, so I feel so young to be loosing her. When we came home I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Doing things like watching tv makes me feel so guilty. Every time I think I’m ok someone hugs me and I just break down.

She was such a kind caring person and honestly was the most inspirational. She has even organised her own funeral as she didn’t want me and my brother to have to deal with it, how can someone be so considerate in a time like that.

I’m sorry this probably isn’t making much sense, I suppose I’m just putting all my thoughts down to get them out. I just hope it gets easier, but I’m not sure I have totally accepted it yet…it feels surreal.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds so lovely and caring and you are so young to be without her. I’m sure it would have meant a lot to her that you and your brother were there for her right to the end.

You will still be feeling a lot of shock and it will be hard to take in. Be kind to yourself and take things day by day.

This site is still here for you. Whenever you feel ready, you can post in our bereavement section: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one

Hello Sophie

So sorry to hear that your mother has passed away and I am glad you were there for her at the last. Helen, my wife had lung cancer, and I don’t know whether she was still under the influence of the morphine or unconscious, or whether she could hear my last words to her but I hope she knew I was there and loved her. I’m sure your mum knew that you and your brother were with her and loved her.

You can’t control grief at the moment and the more hugs you get the better. The more you talk the better. The male of the species is not always the best talker but I hope your brother and your dad can at least listen to you. And don’t forget to come back online and let us know how you are.Tell us more about your mum - when I talk to people about Helen I pull out all the stops and if I am getting to be a bore, you know what, I really don’t care and I am sure other people don’t mind really either.

Kind regards

Alan

Hi Alan,

Yes it was a similar situation for me, I just so hope she could hear us and know we were there.

Yes its difficult as my mum is the one I would talk to about anything. I have spent today talking non stop about happy memories because its the only thing that makes me stop crying.

Thank you for your kind message,

Sophie

Hi Sophie

Just wanted to say how sorry i was seeing your message. This is a sad day for you but so glad you could be with your Mum right to the end.

I was with my Mum who passed away a few months ago. It was awful in some ways but glad i was there. Mum didn’t want to be on her own and i promised her she wouldn’t be.

You take lots of care of yourself and hold your head high. It is really something special i think to be able to be with a loved one right to the end.

Mel
Xx

Thank you for your kind words xxx

Dear Sophie

I am so sorry for your loss, this will be a very hard time for you, but it is good that you have signed up to this site, because everyone who has done the same will be thinking of you and wishing you well. Your mother must have been a very special person and she clearly cared so much for her family. All best wishes x

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