Thanks for the advice and message, the day has arrived and I cannot believe it. Starting to really hit me. Will let you know how it goes but thanks again. X
Hi Lucy,
Will be thinking of you today.
If you can, pop back on here later on and tell us how the day went. I found it helped to talk about the day and how it made me feel - and to share some of the happy memories that came through on the day.
Look after yourself.
Caroline
xx
Hi Lucy
So sorry for your loss, I too lost my dad and his funeral was last week so I know how you are feeling about today. The apprehension for me was worse than the actual funeral.
I held it together really well considering I had thought that I wouldn’t cope with it at all and that I would be a complete mess. I am a spiritual person and know that dad is at peace, no longer suffering and in a better place and I never felt his presence at all during the entire day. The funeral for me was about the physical side of things so I was very detached from it all.
My dad was not there and this gave me great comfort, just as it did when I had to watch him dying in a hospital ward. That was not my dad and his death was only a small part of his entire life and although the heartbreak of watching him deteriorating for 3 weeks in the hospital was agonising, I refuse to hold those memories and let them rob me of the happiness and love that was the true essence of my dad and who he was when he was living.
I hadn’t realised until recently but I had begun grieving for my dad a while ago before he actually passed on.
Sorry for long post just really wanted to say thinking of you and sending you a hug x
Hi Lyn,
Your post really resonates with my own experience and I hope that it will for Lucy too. The grieving does start well before the death when the ‘dying’ process begins and you lost the actual person.
I did not see the funeral as actual - just a process - and I said my goodbyes when I saw Mum just after she had died.
I have not felt mum’s presence at all since she left us which sort of comforts me as I see that as a sign that she is at peace.
I hope you are ok Lyn and you too Lucy - tough times all round.
Caroline
xx
Hi Caroline,
It’s comforting to know that my thoughts and feelings resonate with someone else. I have been waiting to fall apart and crumble into a complete sobbing uncontrollable mess and it just is simply not the case.
I do feel anxious, tense, sad sometimes and very alone (maybe this is how grief affects me but I certainly expected to feel very differently).
Dad had numerous health issues in particular over the last few years but we always stayed on top of them and got him sorted, both together and positively as my dad never once complained. He was strong, determined and mentally as sharp as a 20 yr old, however, I was harbouring a lot of worry and fear at every hospital appointment and every new diagnosis of something else and I remember a time last year when my mind starting wondering…wonder what songs I will choose at his funeral…wonder what it will be like having to register his death…wonder what poem I should read…THIS WAS 12 MONTHS AGO
4 months ago I pulled all the stops out to take dad on holiday for a break and always at the back of my mind during the holiday where by the way dad was happy, carefree and full of life and humour was this will be his last holiday…
My biggest fear and pain was to lose my dad, my world, so I believe I had started to grieve way back.
My dad could never cope with living a life where necessary not totally independent so when his time came, I was humbly grateful that God intervened any prevented him from suffering a poor quality of life which would absolutely have been the case. After the holiday he came back and at 80 started painting and decorating his hall stairs and landing. He was admitted to hospital 15 November and passed 6th Dec. I count blessings that prior to this last visit to hospital he was mobile, independent and as sharp as ever.
There is peace in death and grief and I remind myself of that every day. I am grateful god spared him and this helps me to cope
x
Hi Lynn,
Your experience is so similar to my own although my mum was 96 when she died so the fact we would lose her soon was even more likely.
I took Mum on holiday in summer 2016 to her favourite place - Salcombe in Devon - and we took a good few trips down memory lane. My father died in 1985 so it was good to hear Mum share memories that included dad too. That was her last holiday and I am so glad I made the time to take her.
At 95 Mum lived at home independently with no carers, doing her weekly shop by taxi and cooking her own meals. In October 2016 she got a UTI and that was really the beginning of the end. She had chronic kidney disease at Stage 5 since 2009 so defied the odds and never complained. After this she had 4 care visits a day, became immobile and incontinent - just nit herself.
In March 2017 Mum nearly died from kidney failure but she rallied. However we were left with a fraction of the person - she never went home again. She went into residential care at the end of March and died on 11th August so she did not have to endure a dependent life for too long.
I just could not imagine life without Mum - I live at a distance from her home - and I still cry most days but it is getting easier as I know she is ok. Mum passed peacefully for which I am so grateful.
I did not cry at the funeral - I did not really relate it to Mum. As you say, they are not there as they have already left this world by then. I chose her outfit and the songs with my brother - we had two hymns that Mum liked. Everyone said it was a fitting farewell and that made it feel better too.
Take care as the new year approaches and keep the positive memories to the fore. That is what I am doing now and it is helping.
Caroline
xxx
Hi Caroline
Your mum sounds like she was an amazing strong lady keeping her independence at 95.
Dad too had kidney disease Stage 3. He too went in with an infection but had edema (water retention) and he had undergone heart surgery 7 mths ago and I was told he died of congestive heart failure.
You too, like me, must get great comfort from their last holiday. I treasure those memories because they are recent ones for me so I am gradually trying to replace the hospital vigil ones which have been haunting me up until now with these.
Caroline you too keep focusing on your mum’s life and all the happiness you shared together.
It is still early days for me (3 weeks) but I am my dad’s daughter and have his strength to keep me company when times are hard.
You too take care…been so lovely talking to you
xx
I am so sorry for everyone’s sorrow. My mum’s kidneys are also failing currently functioning at 7% she’s as bright as a button and she hasn’t come to terms that she is going to die it’s heartbreaking when she asks me ‘am I going to die mark?’ my responsce for the past few days has been ‘yes mum but not today’ my mother is my world taught me everything, lent me that £10 when I was skint. It’s breaking me I just can’t imagine life after she’s gone. Everyone’s messages on here has gave me strength thank you x
Dear Mark,
I am sorry that your Mum is poorly. If it is any consolation my mum lived with a very low kidney function for a long time even when the odds seemed against her. She lived her life to the full and made the most of every opportunity- she was my hero.
Is your mum in hospital or at home ? I had no idea how advanced mum’s CKD was until last year - she was not one to make a fuss - and it is scary when you find out. Try to just enjoy every possible moment with your Mum - make even more memories that you will treasure when your mum is no longer here. I spent as much time as I could in the last year - I live about 3 hours drive away from where Mum lived - and had her to stay when I could.
Looking back I am so pleased I did this. I was so scared of losing her and when she passed it was so sad but she lives on in all of us too. Life without Mum has been hard to get used to but the good news is that I am still here, upright and coping - hard as it is, you will too.
I read posts on here before and after my mum passed and it helped me enormously - keep talking in here if it helps you - your are with friends.
Take care,
Caroline
xx
Hi Mark
Just be there for her, tell her how much you love her and accept every moment as precious. You will cope, there is an inner strength within to do what you need to do.
I never thought I would cope but you do. Time is something we cannot get back so make every second count.
Thinking of you and knowing how hard this is
x
All & Mark, Sorry to hear your news Mark, it’s like going back in time for me reading what you’ve written. I had my mums funeral today she was 71 & I’ve found being on here really helpful especially talking to a few people who’ve also experienced kidney failure. Thanks Caroline for your messages today was tough but I too didn’t react as I thought I would - I did burst into tears when I popped to the loo at the funeral directors and then Mum had a horse and carriage which really helped as I think from my point of view it made it a little easier and she covered her coffin in a blue material which also helped as I never had to see the complete coffin. I really feel for you Mark as I was on here only about a week and she passed - but the last three weeks have been a blur so I’ve probabky got that wrong! You mention everything I feared for the past two years when she was told she’d have two years to live.she made it to 23 months without dialysis or transplant which I thought was so brave but in truth there were no options for her due to other health issues so to me she was amazingly brave and strong knowing this but my mum had accepted it. During her last week she asked me if she was dying and I said’we’re all dying’ as we are and would say similar to you beforehand. One day I took fish & chips to hers a few months ago and she broke down saying I don’t think I’ll make it to see my kitchen being finished!! Thanks Mum!!! I don’t know how you cope with that news but it’s akso so difficult to watch. I’m 39 and feel I really should be able to cope better but like the others have said- and which you are probably also doing is that I grieved the past two years - I’d walk up the street trying to imagine what it would feel like doing that without mum in my life - but I’ve done it. Just fill your time with special things for her so she knows you care - I did that with Mine and I have no regrets which makes me feel as best I can & for me being able to sit with Mum during her last 24hrs as gruelling as they were - the most loving thing I could have done. About 6 hrs before she died she tried to speak having been unresponsive for about 24hrs and she tried to say my name and I love you. What more could I have asked for. Breaks my heart after today but it was a beautiful service for a beautiful lady. Please come back on here but the only other consolation is that as shocking as it was to see her walking talking etc to dying 9 days later - it was quick and better for my mum. She’d have hated nursing homes etc,so awful for me as I’m also an only child with divorced parents- it was so much better for her. The last 72hrs were hard and the last 24 the most agonising but worth it believe me but that’s just luck if you’re able to be there at the end. So don’t beat yourself up if you can’t make it or be there she will know you love her if you’re showing it regularly. So sad reading what you out but it’s nice there’s a few of us on here now that can relate especially to kidney failure. So let’s keep talking. X
Thank you all for your messages I can totally relate to grieving beforehand and so much of what you’ve all written. Well I made it through just. Gave mum a great send off I just long for her one last approval - but I know she’s looking down on me saying you’ve done me proud. I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be - maybe it’s the build up of dread and fear and then it happens and this time last night I couldn’t see how I’d make it through to tonight but I have. Tomorrow/today is going to be rough I know as my focus for the last two weeks has been the fuberal and send off. So now the hard reality will kick in and it’s the calls I long for and miss the most. But she had had enough of the illnes and her diabetes. She felt that she was letting me down by not having dialysis which breaks my heart as she wasn’t letting me down - she literally had no option and if she’d have tried it and it’s failed then she wouldn’t have lasted so long. So I did manage to get her to accept that she wasn’t letting me down at all.
Thanks again for all your replies as so much resonates with me. I will have s proper look tomo and reply in full - just about dropping off now! Thank god today is over in some ways but I don’t want to close the book on my mums life I want to keep her memory alive. X
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And forgot to say I promised Mum as she was dying I’d speak at her funeral - and I did an A4 page and a half - Dad was proud he said and I got a round of applause which was lovely but sadly not from the one person I really wanted to hear it. Still doesn’t making accepting what’s happened easier but I’m so pleased I carried out what I said I’d do. A little helper from the doctors kept me calm but do you know what - it worked for me and kept me calmer so just do what’s right for you. X
Well done, Lucy - get some rest and we will talk again xx
Lucy you did your mum proud, I’m glad I found this site as sharing this journey we are all going through is so comforting. Take care
Lyn
x
Thank you both Lyn & Caroline. Can’t believe all of the dread and fear over the last two years & I have faced it now. Never thought I’d make it through. The next few weeks and months I know are going to be very difficult. It’s just the calls more than anything else that I’m desperate for. Today has been a struggle now the funeral is over. A few things left to do like send copies of the order of service to a few of her friends that couldn’t make it to the service as they lived so far away or abroad. Then onto paperwork and the house. I just feel exhausted. I didn’t get up until midday today then took a tablet as wasn’t coping at all well and that sent me to sleep for a bit and I’ve been better this afternoon and not resorted to anything.
I’ve been calling people today who wanted to know about the service and found myself saying it was ‘beautiful’ then thinking how can my mum’s funeral possibly be beautiful!!! Been quite teary early on and just so lost as there’s really nothing more I can do for her now. Can’t believe whilst at the wake what would have been happening to her body at the crematorium. Just horrendous and now knowing there’s no way I will ever see her again.
Now I’m writing this I’m getting emotional again. This time last year I took her to London and we watched the New Year’s Eve fireworks and nearly a year to the day she’s been cremated.
I am on my own as no brothers or sisters so just me and my Dad who’s staying at mine for a bit. Due to go back to work on Jan 8th but they’ve been really good and said I might be better doing a phased return etc. My oldest friend has invited me to hers tomorrow so I am going but think I’ll be a nightmare - it will only be me and her staying in but I’m going to be so emotional.
Thanks for the replies and I can’t tell you how good but also sad that we now seem to have a little Kidney group. Lots of people don’t understand when I’ve explained about mum having no options and I’ve fainted at mum’s appointments previously because I just couldn’t cope with what I was hearing but then I think to myself my god how strong am I to stand at her funeral and speak without completely crumbling until immediately afterwards.
My head just feels a mess of ok one minute and a nightmare the next.
Hope you all have a safe new years eve and it brings more happier memories. x
Hi Lucy,
Good to see you posting your thoughts - such an emotional time but you have been so brave and you must try to take strength from that fact. I feel proud of you and I have never even met you - I was not able to speak at my mum’s funeral but my brother did so he included my thoughts too.
The initial time after the funeral is so hard - a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Sorting out ‘stuff’ drains you but also gives you a continuing connection to your mum. We have still to complete the selling of the house (my brother is buying me out) so it lingers on.
You say that you feel there is nothing more you can do for her - well, you can keep her memory alive and live the life she would have wanted you to. You did the ultimate which was being with her as she passed - so brave. She was not alone as she passed and that is priceless.
I found it hard to imagine mum’s body being cremated and felt bereft that there was nothing left of her on earth for me to see. I have decided to have a Pandora-style charm made with a swirl of her ashes in it to keep her close to me. Maybe you could do something similar - there are websites that take you through the options.
I love your reference to the ‘Kidney group’ ! Like your mum, mine could not have dialysis or a transplant - it is hard to come to terms with but there are no choices involved.
Personally I found going back to work a positive thing for me - I suppose it depends what your job is really. It took my mind off things and gave me a purpose. We are all different but I had very supportive colleagues and talking to them helped me too.
You will be up and down for ages yet - I suppose we just have to accept it as part of the intensity of the love we have for our mums. I urge you to listen to Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheenan as I find it really uplifting - sad but makes me realise that the hurt I feel is as a result of the love I feel and the love my mum gave me.
I was adopted as a baby and somehow that has made my loss feel even keener - without my mum and dad adopting me I would not be the person I am today. Dad died in 1985, so 32 years ago, so mum has been my rock since then.
New Year is going to be horrendous but if we know that maybe we can cope?! I hope that you get through it ok - it is just another day really. I am trying very hard to be positive and look forward - going to see my brother next weekend as he turns 60 and his first birthday without mum. Our mums would not want to see us so miserable.
Take care of yourself Lucy - I really do know how you feel. I am a few months on from you and it does get easier - not easy but easier. You will always have times when you are sad and emotional about your mum - that is what love is all about - but you will be ok in time.
Caroline
xxx
Hi Lyn,
I have found this site amazingly supportive - just knowing you are not alone helps.
Hope you are ok.
Caroline
xxx
Hi Caroline
In this strange new world we have literally been thrown into, ie, no choice or control over what has happened to us and the finality of it all, I am bewildered as to what it does to us.
It’s the simplest things that come to me that I struggle with…why can’t I remember dad’s voice? Why can’t I feel him? Why does it seem like he has been gone ages ago? Why when I look at his photo does it seem like photo’s of our holiday’s that we look back on and it seems a distant memory? How can someone be here one minute and then totally erased from our existence. Deep I know but strange…
I am plodding on because that is what we all do regardless of grief, I am slightly resentful of how ‘normal’ it becomes although we know it isn’t.
It is like my dad has become a camera snapshot and I find it all bizarre. One minute he is my dad and then he’s a dead body.
I honestly can’t rationalise it in any shape or form. I am so glad I found this site and yes it is very supportive like you say just knowing we are not alone.
New Year will be the first one since I was born that dad is not here and I guess it will be processed like everything else and I don’t know what I feel about that?
Time is like quicksand and I feel although dad has slipped away he seems to be slipping further and further away and nothing I can do, feel or say that can stop that momentum. I guess Caroline I am not making much sense but I also get the feeling this may resonate with you to? Or you may just think I am plain weird lol!
How are you my lovely? Do you have plans tomorrow?
I will light a candle and bring dad with me into 2018
xxx
Hi Caroline
In this strange new world we have literally been thrown into, ie, no choice or control over what has happened to us and the finality of it all, I am bewildered as to what it does to us.
It’s the simplest things that come to me that I struggle with…why can’t I remember dad’s voice? Why can’t I feel him? Why does it seem like he has been gone ages ago? Why when I look at his photo does it seem like photo’s of our holiday’s that we look back on and it seems a distant memory? How can someone be here one minute and then totally erased from our existence. Deep I know but strange…
I am plodding on because that is what we all do regardless of grief, I am slightly resentful of how ‘normal’ it becomes although we know it isn’t.
It is like my dad has become a camera snapshot and I find it all bizarre. One minute he is my dad and then he’s a dead body.
I honestly can’t rationalise it in any shape or form. I am so glad I found this site and yes it is very supportive like you say just knowing we are not alone.
New Year will be the first one since I was born that dad is not here and I guess it will be processed like everything else and I don’t know what I feel about that?
Time is like quicksand and I feel although dad has slipped away he seems to be slipping further and further away and nothing I can do, feel or say that can stop that momentum. I guess Caroline I am not making much sense but I also get the feeling this may resonate with you to? Or you may just think I am plain weird lol!
How are you my lovely? Do you have plans tomorrow?
I will light a candle and bring dad with me into 2018
xxx