Thanks for the advice and message, the day has arrived and I cannot believe it. Starting to really hit me. Will let you know how it goes but thanks again. X
Hi Lucy,
Will be thinking of you today.
If you can, pop back on here later on and tell us how the day went. I found it helped to talk about the day and how it made me feel - and to share some of the happy memories that came through on the day.
Look after yourself.
Caroline
xx
Hi Lyn,
Your post really resonates with my own experience and I hope that it will for Lucy too. The grieving does start well before the death when the ‘dying’ process begins and you lost the actual person.
I did not see the funeral as actual - just a process - and I said my goodbyes when I saw Mum just after she had died.
I have not felt mum’s presence at all since she left us which sort of comforts me as I see that as a sign that she is at peace.
I hope you are ok Lyn and you too Lucy - tough times all round.
Caroline
xx
Hi Lynn,
Your experience is so similar to my own although my mum was 96 when she died so the fact we would lose her soon was even more likely.
I took Mum on holiday in summer 2016 to her favourite place - Salcombe in Devon - and we took a good few trips down memory lane. My father died in 1985 so it was good to hear Mum share memories that included dad too. That was her last holiday and I am so glad I made the time to take her.
At 95 Mum lived at home independently with no carers, doing her weekly shop by taxi and cooking her own meals. In October 2016 she got a UTI and that was really the beginning of the end. She had chronic kidney disease at Stage 5 since 2009 so defied the odds and never complained. After this she had 4 care visits a day, became immobile and incontinent - just nit herself.
In March 2017 Mum nearly died from kidney failure but she rallied. However we were left with a fraction of the person - she never went home again. She went into residential care at the end of March and died on 11th August so she did not have to endure a dependent life for too long.
I just could not imagine life without Mum - I live at a distance from her home - and I still cry most days but it is getting easier as I know she is ok. Mum passed peacefully for which I am so grateful.
I did not cry at the funeral - I did not really relate it to Mum. As you say, they are not there as they have already left this world by then. I chose her outfit and the songs with my brother - we had two hymns that Mum liked. Everyone said it was a fitting farewell and that made it feel better too.
Take care as the new year approaches and keep the positive memories to the fore. That is what I am doing now and it is helping.
Caroline
xxx
I am so sorry for everyone’s sorrow. My mum’s kidneys are also failing currently functioning at 7% she’s as bright as a button and she hasn’t come to terms that she is going to die it’s heartbreaking when she asks me ‘am I going to die mark?’ my responsce for the past few days has been ‘yes mum but not today’ my mother is my world taught me everything, lent me that £10 when I was skint. It’s breaking me I just can’t imagine life after she’s gone. Everyone’s messages on here has gave me strength thank you x
Dear Mark,
I am sorry that your Mum is poorly. If it is any consolation my mum lived with a very low kidney function for a long time even when the odds seemed against her. She lived her life to the full and made the most of every opportunity- she was my hero.
Is your mum in hospital or at home ? I had no idea how advanced mum’s CKD was until last year - she was not one to make a fuss - and it is scary when you find out. Try to just enjoy every possible moment with your Mum - make even more memories that you will treasure when your mum is no longer here. I spent as much time as I could in the last year - I live about 3 hours drive away from where Mum lived - and had her to stay when I could.
Looking back I am so pleased I did this. I was so scared of losing her and when she passed it was so sad but she lives on in all of us too. Life without Mum has been hard to get used to but the good news is that I am still here, upright and coping - hard as it is, you will too.
I read posts on here before and after my mum passed and it helped me enormously - keep talking in here if it helps you - your are with friends.
Take care,
Caroline
xx
All & Mark, Sorry to hear your news Mark, it’s like going back in time for me reading what you’ve written. I had my mums funeral today she was 71 & I’ve found being on here really helpful especially talking to a few people who’ve also experienced kidney failure. Thanks Caroline for your messages today was tough but I too didn’t react as I thought I would - I did burst into tears when I popped to the loo at the funeral directors and then Mum had a horse and carriage which really helped as I think from my point of view it made it a little easier and she covered her coffin in a blue material which also helped as I never had to see the complete coffin. I really feel for you Mark as I was on here only about a week and she passed - but the last three weeks have been a blur so I’ve probabky got that wrong! You mention everything I feared for the past two years when she was told she’d have two years to live.she made it to 23 months without dialysis or transplant which I thought was so brave but in truth there were no options for her due to other health issues so to me she was amazingly brave and strong knowing this but my mum had accepted it. During her last week she asked me if she was dying and I said’we’re all dying’ as we are and would say similar to you beforehand. One day I took fish & chips to hers a few months ago and she broke down saying I don’t think I’ll make it to see my kitchen being finished!! Thanks Mum!!! I don’t know how you cope with that news but it’s akso so difficult to watch. I’m 39 and feel I really should be able to cope better but like the others have said- and which you are probably also doing is that I grieved the past two years - I’d walk up the street trying to imagine what it would feel like doing that without mum in my life - but I’ve done it. Just fill your time with special things for her so she knows you care - I did that with Mine and I have no regrets which makes me feel as best I can & for me being able to sit with Mum during her last 24hrs as gruelling as they were - the most loving thing I could have done. About 6 hrs before she died she tried to speak having been unresponsive for about 24hrs and she tried to say my name and I love you. What more could I have asked for. Breaks my heart after today but it was a beautiful service for a beautiful lady. Please come back on here but the only other consolation is that as shocking as it was to see her walking talking etc to dying 9 days later - it was quick and better for my mum. She’d have hated nursing homes etc,so awful for me as I’m also an only child with divorced parents- it was so much better for her. The last 72hrs were hard and the last 24 the most agonising but worth it believe me but that’s just luck if you’re able to be there at the end. So don’t beat yourself up if you can’t make it or be there she will know you love her if you’re showing it regularly. So sad reading what you out but it’s nice there’s a few of us on here now that can relate especially to kidney failure. So let’s keep talking. X
Thank you all for your messages I can totally relate to grieving beforehand and so much of what you’ve all written. Well I made it through just. Gave mum a great send off I just long for her one last approval - but I know she’s looking down on me saying you’ve done me proud. I wasn’t as emotional as I thought I would be - maybe it’s the build up of dread and fear and then it happens and this time last night I couldn’t see how I’d make it through to tonight but I have. Tomorrow/today is going to be rough I know as my focus for the last two weeks has been the fuberal and send off. So now the hard reality will kick in and it’s the calls I long for and miss the most. But she had had enough of the illnes and her diabetes. She felt that she was letting me down by not having dialysis which breaks my heart as she wasn’t letting me down - she literally had no option and if she’d have tried it and it’s failed then she wouldn’t have lasted so long. So I did manage to get her to accept that she wasn’t letting me down at all.
Thanks again for all your replies as so much resonates with me. I will have s proper look tomo and reply in full - just about dropping off now! Thank god today is over in some ways but I don’t want to close the book on my mums life I want to keep her memory alive. X
1 Like
And forgot to say I promised Mum as she was dying I’d speak at her funeral - and I did an A4 page and a half - Dad was proud he said and I got a round of applause which was lovely but sadly not from the one person I really wanted to hear it. Still doesn’t making accepting what’s happened easier but I’m so pleased I carried out what I said I’d do. A little helper from the doctors kept me calm but do you know what - it worked for me and kept me calmer so just do what’s right for you. X
Well done, Lucy - get some rest and we will talk again xx
Thank you both Lyn & Caroline. Can’t believe all of the dread and fear over the last two years & I have faced it now. Never thought I’d make it through. The next few weeks and months I know are going to be very difficult. It’s just the calls more than anything else that I’m desperate for. Today has been a struggle now the funeral is over. A few things left to do like send copies of the order of service to a few of her friends that couldn’t make it to the service as they lived so far away or abroad. Then onto paperwork and the house. I just feel exhausted. I didn’t get up until midday today then took a tablet as wasn’t coping at all well and that sent me to sleep for a bit and I’ve been better this afternoon and not resorted to anything.
I’ve been calling people today who wanted to know about the service and found myself saying it was ‘beautiful’ then thinking how can my mum’s funeral possibly be beautiful!!! Been quite teary early on and just so lost as there’s really nothing more I can do for her now. Can’t believe whilst at the wake what would have been happening to her body at the crematorium. Just horrendous and now knowing there’s no way I will ever see her again.
Now I’m writing this I’m getting emotional again. This time last year I took her to London and we watched the New Year’s Eve fireworks and nearly a year to the day she’s been cremated.
I am on my own as no brothers or sisters so just me and my Dad who’s staying at mine for a bit. Due to go back to work on Jan 8th but they’ve been really good and said I might be better doing a phased return etc. My oldest friend has invited me to hers tomorrow so I am going but think I’ll be a nightmare - it will only be me and her staying in but I’m going to be so emotional.
Thanks for the replies and I can’t tell you how good but also sad that we now seem to have a little Kidney group. Lots of people don’t understand when I’ve explained about mum having no options and I’ve fainted at mum’s appointments previously because I just couldn’t cope with what I was hearing but then I think to myself my god how strong am I to stand at her funeral and speak without completely crumbling until immediately afterwards.
My head just feels a mess of ok one minute and a nightmare the next.
Hope you all have a safe new years eve and it brings more happier memories. x
Hi Lucy,
Good to see you posting your thoughts - such an emotional time but you have been so brave and you must try to take strength from that fact. I feel proud of you and I have never even met you - I was not able to speak at my mum’s funeral but my brother did so he included my thoughts too.
The initial time after the funeral is so hard - a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Sorting out ‘stuff’ drains you but also gives you a continuing connection to your mum. We have still to complete the selling of the house (my brother is buying me out) so it lingers on.
You say that you feel there is nothing more you can do for her - well, you can keep her memory alive and live the life she would have wanted you to. You did the ultimate which was being with her as she passed - so brave. She was not alone as she passed and that is priceless.
I found it hard to imagine mum’s body being cremated and felt bereft that there was nothing left of her on earth for me to see. I have decided to have a Pandora-style charm made with a swirl of her ashes in it to keep her close to me. Maybe you could do something similar - there are websites that take you through the options.
I love your reference to the ‘Kidney group’ ! Like your mum, mine could not have dialysis or a transplant - it is hard to come to terms with but there are no choices involved.
Personally I found going back to work a positive thing for me - I suppose it depends what your job is really. It took my mind off things and gave me a purpose. We are all different but I had very supportive colleagues and talking to them helped me too.
You will be up and down for ages yet - I suppose we just have to accept it as part of the intensity of the love we have for our mums. I urge you to listen to Supermarket Flowers by Ed Sheenan as I find it really uplifting - sad but makes me realise that the hurt I feel is as a result of the love I feel and the love my mum gave me.
I was adopted as a baby and somehow that has made my loss feel even keener - without my mum and dad adopting me I would not be the person I am today. Dad died in 1985, so 32 years ago, so mum has been my rock since then.
New Year is going to be horrendous but if we know that maybe we can cope?! I hope that you get through it ok - it is just another day really. I am trying very hard to be positive and look forward - going to see my brother next weekend as he turns 60 and his first birthday without mum. Our mums would not want to see us so miserable.
Take care of yourself Lucy - I really do know how you feel. I am a few months on from you and it does get easier - not easy but easier. You will always have times when you are sad and emotional about your mum - that is what love is all about - but you will be ok in time.
Caroline
xxx
Hi Lyn,
I have found this site amazingly supportive - just knowing you are not alone helps.
Hope you are ok.
Caroline
xxx
Hi Lyn,
Everything you say resonates with me - so you are not just weird!
The ‘plodding on’ comment is so true - I flared up at my husband today as I felt he thinks I am coping and things are returning to normal! Not his fault but I don’t think I will ever feel normal again!
It is so odd but I feel that time thing too - as if mum passed years ago. I strain to remember her voice and wish I had a voice recording to refer to but I don’t. I wish I had videos but mum’s generation did not ‘do’ that sort of thing!
I struggle with the concept of the person being with us for so long and then they just do not exist on this earth. The idea of our loved ones being that dead body is just too final and sad.
New Year is a tricky one … I am trying to block it out. My plans are to take the dogs for a walk on the beach! My husband is a policeman so he is working from 9am but my son is here. I cannot face the idea of 2018 without my mum - I think I feel like you do in that she feels like a camera snapshot - my first year without a parent too!
They do slip away but you can keep them current by talking about them with anyone who will listen! I do feel the same as you - almost as if if never happened and I will wake up from this nightmare to find Mum sitting on the sofa by the fire! Your dad is with you all the time and will be with you into 2018.
I will light a candle for all of us in this community and I am so very grateful for your loving support - our parents would be so proud of us!
Try to have a positive day tomorrow - I will be on here I have no doubt!
Love,
Caroline
X
Happy New Year to you all xx
Hi, and saying happy new year feels totally wrong so I wish you all a year where we come to terms maybe a little more with everything.
Watched the fireworks on Tv and completely broke down as this time last year I was with Mum watching them in London.
Lyn everything you’ve said resonates with me totally too, how can they be here one minute and not the next? How do they go from being Mum or Dad to a body & then nothing. And how can it already be that I lost my mum last year??? I lost her on December 12th but that’s now last year?? Christmas and New Years will never be the same sadly. I’m just pleased that funeral was last one of the year otherwise I’d have had to wait until jan 4th and I just felt that’s dragging it on.
Caroline, I’m doing the same - discussed with Mum before about Ashes into Glass & Mum was very happy for me to organise this afterwards so I’m going to get two rings made with her ashes so she will be with me always. Some people find it odd but I know I will find it a great comfort & that’s all that matters. Thanks for saying about feeling proud it’s been so difficult and my dads great but not very emotional so I kind of keep it together when he’s about but go to pieces afterwards. Stayed with friend tonight and it was just what I needed. We were going to put some flowers of my mums Mums (my gran) plaque that she has locally but she’s full of a cold bless her so maybe just me.
I can clearly hear my mums voice but what I can’t get my head around is how do I have no recollection of walking in behind her coffin into the crematorium on Friday? Never saw them lay her on the plinth or anything. I’m completely baffled by that.
Keep going all, the kidney group xx
1 Like
Hi Lucy,
I am still awake as I need time to comprehend moving into a new year without Mum.
I know that saying happy new year feels wrong but maybe we do have to be positive and make it happy in memory of those we have lost ?
We all need lots more time to come to terms with our losses. I feel really miserable tonight as I feel another part of Mum has gone now we are in 2018. Like you say they now died last year but it is still so raw.
The reason that you cannot recall parts of the funeral (I am the same ) is that your body went into a primitive ‘fight or flight’ mode - you only recall some parts as adrenaline was surging around your body which means your mind blanks out parts of the process. You stood up and spoke - all your energy and focus went into that.
I can remember a bit more now and I think you will in time.
Take care and I do sincerely hope 2018 is kinder to you. Your mum would not want you to be unhappy so, in time, focus on celebrating her if you can.
Caroline
xx
Hi,
Sorry Caroline I wasn’t meaning to say saying Happy New Year was wrong as then saw your written it!! Typical of me!!!
Can’t bekieve we were all feeling and thinking the same. I too Lyn can’t get my head around it being last year but only 3weeks tomorrow that she passed?? It’s just crazy that was last year. I’m so pleased Christmas and new year is over. Tomorrow I start on the paperwork side of things…as I know some things must be sorted. I don’t go back to work until the 8th and will see how it goes. I feel like it’s all been her death, fuberal etc in a big hurry and rush and ‘now I must return to normal’ driving me mad as how can you just return to normal without that significant person in your life??
I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with things as Mum loved her car but I don’t have any emotional attachment to it. I’ve been thinking what to do with it but also thinking I don’t have to make a decision immediately but am feeling pressured from my dad and friends who just keep on saying: you’ve got to decide what to do with the car, the longer you leave it the more it will depreciate in value and if you’d stopped the car tax last month you’d have saved a few pounds and then others saying, if you decide to sell it we may want to buy it in memory of your Mum and I’m feeling really pressured about it. I’m like she’s only been dead 3 weeksabd im just feeling harassed. It’s lije I HAVE to sort everything now otherwise it’s all going to go wrong and money will be lost etc and all I feel is- it already has gone wrong as I’ve lost my Mum so a few quid here and there I really don’t give a monkeys about right now.
Caroline did you ever feel like this as you’re a few months on?
Yesterday I melted at midnight thinking of that time last year and found yesterday hard. Today I’ve been up & down.
Hope you both got on ok today and how is it possible to have had my mums funeral on Friday last year??
X
Hi Lucy,
Don’t apologise - I did not read it that way!
It is spooky how similar I felt/feel to you - I suppose at least that means it is probably just the way it has to be. The one difference is that I do have a brother to talk to about stuff but my dad died 32 years ago so mum’s possessions needed to be sorted out.
I felt like you do - it felt like a real mountain to climb - but don’t let anyone rush you. Stuff the money!! Since mum died I have had a really odd attitude towards money and material possessions. Like your mum, mine had some very precious things that she had always told us meant a lot to her. For me, now, they mean very little because they were only of ‘value’ to me when they were in mum’s house and with mum being there. I don’t know if that makes sense.
You spend you whole life struggling and worrying … then when you are gone it all seems so irrelevant.
I felt that I wanted to sort things out quickly as I live a distance away but that was pressure that I put on myself. I did sort mum’s clothes out and send the best to a charity shop. I could not touch anything she had worn recently! Freaked me out! My husband had to do that.
I did feel that there was no point to doing what we had to do but as you say you have no choice. I would say try to pace yourself and don’t expect to get it all done quickly - then you won’t feel so pressured. Did your mum leave a will? Do you have to get Grant of Probate?
I found the paperwork very depressing - it started to feel like that was all that I had left of mum - but we managed. We still have not finished sorting out the final bits of the estate as we have hit a few brick walls - but I have stopped caring to be honest!
I focused on things that made me feel better as well as the formalities. I had mum’s engagement ring altered to fit me and I wear it constantly; I bought myself a lovely pair of earrings with some money mum had left so that there is a legacy to hand on when I go.
You are still very early on in the scheme of things, Lucy, so be kind to yourself and make sure you do what you want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do yet then just don’t do anything!! You have plenty of time to make your mind up.
I am sad today as starting a new year without mum is just not right. It will be 5 months on 11th since she passed and some days it feels just like yesterday. On other days I feel she has been gone for ages - like you say, ups and downs.
However, I am more able to use happy memories to boost myself now - talked about the holidays we had in 2015 and 2016 today and it did make me smile.
So, a few months on it is still tough at times but more under control. You have not had time yet with the festive season coming so close to your mum passing, Lucy - as I say, take the time to gather your thoughts before you make any decisions about cars or anything else.
I enjoy reading your posts and would like to thank you for the ongoing support - it really is good to just write things on here and get them out of my head.
Take care,
Caroline
Xxx
Hi Lyn,
You describe what it is like so well!
I went on a pre-booked holiday to Disney World, Florida the day after mum’s funeral - we tried to cancel it or change the destination but the travel company would not let us as we were not going to miss the funeral. So caring !!
So, you can picture the scene - do we not go and lose a £7500 holiday (it was meant to be a special treat) or do we go and make the best of it? Travelling to the ‘happiest place on Earth’ when I had just buried my mum was odd to say the least. So, I do understand the impact that the Christmas and New Year break has had on your emotions. I did not really start grieving for mum until I got back from holiday and even then I went straight back to work.
People do seem to move on more quickly than you can - I described my mum as the brightest light in my life and that it had gone out. I still feel like that but I have had some more time than you have to process the whole thing.
I have cried a lot - it has helped me to let out the pain that comes with such horrendous grief - but it is easing a bit. You are right that it is exhausting.
I hope that you will find ways to ease the pain - nice to chat.
Caroline
Xxx