Mum is dying

End of life
41

Hi Lyn,

Everything you say resonates with me - so you are not just weird!

The ‘plodding on’ comment is so true - I flared up at my husband today as I felt he thinks I am coping and things are returning to normal! Not his fault but I don’t think I will ever feel normal again!

It is so odd but I feel that time thing too - as if mum passed years ago. I strain to remember her voice and wish I had a voice recording to refer to but I don’t. I wish I had videos but mum’s generation did not ‘do’ that sort of thing!

I struggle with the concept of the person being with us for so long and then they just do not exist on this earth. The idea of our loved ones being that dead body is just too final and sad.

New Year is a tricky one … I am trying to block it out. My plans are to take the dogs for a walk on the beach! My husband is a policeman so he is working from 9am but my son is here. I cannot face the idea of 2018 without my mum - I think I feel like you do in that she feels like a camera snapshot - my first year without a parent too!

They do slip away but you can keep them current by talking about them with anyone who will listen! I do feel the same as you - almost as if if never happened and I will wake up from this nightmare to find Mum sitting on the sofa by the fire! Your dad is with you all the time and will be with you into 2018.

I will light a candle for all of us in this community and I am so very grateful for your loving support - our parents would be so proud of us!

Try to have a positive day tomorrow - I will be on here I have no doubt!

Love,

Caroline
X

42

Happy New Year to you all xx

43

Hi, and saying happy new year feels totally wrong so I wish you all a year where we come to terms maybe a little more with everything.

Watched the fireworks on Tv and completely broke down as this time last year I was with Mum watching them in London.

Lyn everything you’ve said resonates with me totally too, how can they be here one minute and not the next? How do they go from being Mum or Dad to a body & then nothing. And how can it already be that I lost my mum last year??? I lost her on December 12th but that’s now last year?? Christmas and New Years will never be the same sadly. I’m just pleased that funeral was last one of the year otherwise I’d have had to wait until jan 4th and I just felt that’s dragging it on.

Caroline, I’m doing the same - discussed with Mum before about Ashes into Glass & Mum was very happy for me to organise this afterwards so I’m going to get two rings made with her ashes so she will be with me always. Some people find it odd but I know I will find it a great comfort & that’s all that matters. Thanks for saying about feeling proud it’s been so difficult and my dads great but not very emotional so I kind of keep it together when he’s about but go to pieces afterwards. Stayed with friend tonight and it was just what I needed. We were going to put some flowers of my mums Mums (my gran) plaque that she has locally but she’s full of a cold bless her so maybe just me.

I can clearly hear my mums voice but what I can’t get my head around is how do I have no recollection of walking in behind her coffin into the crematorium on Friday? Never saw them lay her on the plinth or anything. I’m completely baffled by that.

Keep going all, the kidney group xx

1 Like
44

Hi Lucy,

I am still awake as I need time to comprehend moving into a new year without Mum.

I know that saying happy new year feels wrong but maybe we do have to be positive and make it happy in memory of those we have lost ?

We all need lots more time to come to terms with our losses. I feel really miserable tonight as I feel another part of Mum has gone now we are in 2018. Like you say they now died last year but it is still so raw.

The reason that you cannot recall parts of the funeral (I am the same ) is that your body went into a primitive ‘fight or flight’ mode - you only recall some parts as adrenaline was surging around your body which means your mind blanks out parts of the process. You stood up and spoke - all your energy and focus went into that.

I can remember a bit more now and I think you will in time.

Take care and I do sincerely hope 2018 is kinder to you. Your mum would not want you to be unhappy so, in time, focus on celebrating her if you can.

Caroline
xx

45

Hi Lucy and Caroline

I am wide awake thinking same thoughts as you both. At least we are not alone and going through this together.

I am glad Christmas and last night are over but still cannot get my head around the fact it’s a new year without dad.

This all seems like a bad dream one minute and reality the next. I feel like I am in 2 places at the same time and now 2 different years at the same time.

I focus us on celebrating dad’s life and what he meant to me and then I am back to the funeral.

I have just gone to put my 2018 calendar up but can’t get rid of the old one as it feels like another memory being pushed away.

I hope we all have a peaceful day today

xx

46

Hi,
Sorry Caroline I wasn’t meaning to say saying Happy New Year was wrong as then saw your written it!! Typical of me!!!

Can’t bekieve we were all feeling and thinking the same. I too Lyn can’t get my head around it being last year but only 3weeks tomorrow that she passed?? It’s just crazy that was last year. I’m so pleased Christmas and new year is over. Tomorrow I start on the paperwork side of things…as I know some things must be sorted. I don’t go back to work until the 8th and will see how it goes. I feel like it’s all been her death, fuberal etc in a big hurry and rush and ‘now I must return to normal’ driving me mad as how can you just return to normal without that significant person in your life??

I’ve been getting a bit frustrated with things as Mum loved her car but I don’t have any emotional attachment to it. I’ve been thinking what to do with it but also thinking I don’t have to make a decision immediately but am feeling pressured from my dad and friends who just keep on saying: you’ve got to decide what to do with the car, the longer you leave it the more it will depreciate in value and if you’d stopped the car tax last month you’d have saved a few pounds and then others saying, if you decide to sell it we may want to buy it in memory of your Mum and I’m feeling really pressured about it. I’m like she’s only been dead 3 weeksabd im just feeling harassed. It’s lije I HAVE to sort everything now otherwise it’s all going to go wrong and money will be lost etc and all I feel is- it already has gone wrong as I’ve lost my Mum so a few quid here and there I really don’t give a monkeys about right now.

Caroline did you ever feel like this as you’re a few months on?

Yesterday I melted at midnight thinking of that time last year and found yesterday hard. Today I’ve been up & down.

Hope you both got on ok today and how is it possible to have had my mums funeral on Friday last year??

X

47

Hi Lucy,

Don’t apologise - I did not read it that way!

It is spooky how similar I felt/feel to you - I suppose at least that means it is probably just the way it has to be. The one difference is that I do have a brother to talk to about stuff but my dad died 32 years ago so mum’s possessions needed to be sorted out.

I felt like you do - it felt like a real mountain to climb - but don’t let anyone rush you. Stuff the money!! Since mum died I have had a really odd attitude towards money and material possessions. Like your mum, mine had some very precious things that she had always told us meant a lot to her. For me, now, they mean very little because they were only of ‘value’ to me when they were in mum’s house and with mum being there. I don’t know if that makes sense.

You spend you whole life struggling and worrying … then when you are gone it all seems so irrelevant.

I felt that I wanted to sort things out quickly as I live a distance away but that was pressure that I put on myself. I did sort mum’s clothes out and send the best to a charity shop. I could not touch anything she had worn recently! Freaked me out! My husband had to do that.

I did feel that there was no point to doing what we had to do but as you say you have no choice. I would say try to pace yourself and don’t expect to get it all done quickly - then you won’t feel so pressured. Did your mum leave a will? Do you have to get Grant of Probate?

I found the paperwork very depressing - it started to feel like that was all that I had left of mum - but we managed. We still have not finished sorting out the final bits of the estate as we have hit a few brick walls - but I have stopped caring to be honest!

I focused on things that made me feel better as well as the formalities. I had mum’s engagement ring altered to fit me and I wear it constantly; I bought myself a lovely pair of earrings with some money mum had left so that there is a legacy to hand on when I go.

You are still very early on in the scheme of things, Lucy, so be kind to yourself and make sure you do what you want to do. If you don’t know what you want to do yet then just don’t do anything!! You have plenty of time to make your mind up.

I am sad today as starting a new year without mum is just not right. It will be 5 months on 11th since she passed and some days it feels just like yesterday. On other days I feel she has been gone for ages - like you say, ups and downs.

However, I am more able to use happy memories to boost myself now - talked about the holidays we had in 2015 and 2016 today and it did make me smile.

So, a few months on it is still tough at times but more under control. You have not had time yet with the festive season coming so close to your mum passing, Lucy - as I say, take the time to gather your thoughts before you make any decisions about cars or anything else.

I enjoy reading your posts and would like to thank you for the ongoing support - it really is good to just write things on here and get them out of my head.

Take care,

Caroline
Xxx

48

Hi Lucy

I feel like I am in a Tardis travelling between 2 different worlds and time zones…it’s so surreal isn’t it?

I lit a candle for dad at midnight and welcomed him in to 2018 with me as this finality is all too rushed for me to cope with. A funeral, Christmas and New Year is just too much for my brain and heart to process and people seem to think I should be ok??

I have lost like you the most significant person in my life and I don’t like the speed at which this is all happening. We need time to accept it and comprehend it all at the same time.

This really is a time when you need to be kind to yourself and do things at your own pace. Grief is totally consuming and physically and mentally exhausting. Maybe someone in your family can help you with the paperwork and the car? You certainly don’t need any additional pressure as you will just become more anxious.

I cried a lot today and I do find it releases the anxiety and tension because sometimes I want to cry and just can’t.

My concentration is rubbish so can’t settle to watch TV or anything at the moment but I’m sure it will get easier.

Take care of you Lucy and speak soon

xxxx

49

Hi Lyn,

You describe what it is like so well!

I went on a pre-booked holiday to Disney World, Florida the day after mum’s funeral - we tried to cancel it or change the destination but the travel company would not let us as we were not going to miss the funeral. So caring !!

So, you can picture the scene - do we not go and lose a £7500 holiday (it was meant to be a special treat) or do we go and make the best of it? Travelling to the ‘happiest place on Earth’ when I had just buried my mum was odd to say the least. So, I do understand the impact that the Christmas and New Year break has had on your emotions. I did not really start grieving for mum until I got back from holiday and even then I went straight back to work.

People do seem to move on more quickly than you can - I described my mum as the brightest light in my life and that it had gone out. I still feel like that but I have had some more time than you have to process the whole thing.

I have cried a lot - it has helped me to let out the pain that comes with such horrendous grief - but it is easing a bit. You are right that it is exhausting.

I hope that you will find ways to ease the pain - nice to chat.

Caroline
Xxx

50

Hi Caroline

I am going to call me you and Lucy the 3 Amigo’s, my dad would be so happy I have you both to talk to.

I have found I want to talk non stop about dad so to spare people me wittering on, I am now writing daily letters to him. Writing it all down definately helps me and I talk to dad (in my head) and I find this comforting too. (Good job I live by myself)

Speak soon

xxx

51

Hi Caroline

Our messages crossed over.

You did so well to continue with your holiday, your mum would be so proud of you as that must have been so very difficult to do and having to put your grieving on hold straight after her funeral…shame on that travel agent! You showed your strength of character.

Your mum being the brightest light in your life will continue and forever burn brightly because love is eternal. The flame may have flickered temporarily but love will strengthen it because love and light is you and your mum. That light will never extinguish Caroline.

I am a very spiritual person and I connect with dad like last night sitting peacefully in a dark room with a photo of him with a candle lit and the warmth and peace is truly lovely. That light is the bond we have, me with dad and you with your mum.

One of my new year things to do is to put aside some time every evening writing to dad, telling him about my day and general conversation that we would have, no different to when he was here. It is a private way of keeping him close. Where it is just the two of us and the world can just wait.

My world is a changed world without dad and I have no desire to adapt to that yet and when I do he will be calling in my footsteps as I did his.

Going to try and get some sleep now as I know I need it but I find myself just laying there wide awake wishing I could just reach out and give dad a big hug and tell him how much I truly love him but I know he knows that anyway so I shed a tear instead as tears are healing…

Take care my lovely

xxx

52

Hello Lucy, I’m sorry to read of your loss and pain. I’ve just read about the car situation and I truly empathise with you. My Husband passed away 14 months ago, ( I can’t say the "D’ word). He drove and I can’t. I couldn’t bear to see the car be sold and yet I can’t bear to see it without him driving it either. So, I am paying to have it garaged because making a decision about it is paining me, even now. I can hear my Husband saying “get rid” but the emotional part of me is overriding the rational side. There’s a saying isn’t there, “If in doubt, do nowt”. Yes, it would be nice if the car wasn’t depreciating, but make the decision at your own speed and take a while if necessary. Better to lose a few £’s than have to regret a hasty decision later. Compassionate thoughts to you.

53

OMG, cannot believe some of the things you’re saying, so exactly how I’m feeling!

I’ve said today to my dad how over your lifetime you collect so much stuff and it all in the space of seconds becomes irrelevant. How sad.

Also yes it’s so surreal and Christmas and New Year will never be the same sadly they’ll just be two occasions I want to see the back of every year. I know Mum wouldn’t want me to feel this way but it’s onky three weeks tomorrow so I think considering I’m doing ok. I feel like I’m in a new year and suddenly last year is mikes away.

The one thing I’m feeling a little bit let down by and I’d be interested to if this has happened to either of you that is now the funeral happened Friday - that’s it- most support has dropped off?? I mean thanks for the support invetween people but what about after? So many friends - we’ll be there for you & now that’s done I’ve not heard a thing from most. Been no ‘just checking you’re ok’ the day after the funeral (bar 1 friend). It’s almost like it’s done now so return to normal.

Must have been strange to o away the day after the funeral but at the same time you’ve no time to think About it have you.

Had to email her consultant tonight as that year coming out of her eye is really playing on my mind so if I can get an answer about that maybe I’ll calm down a bit.

Interesting Caroline as I’ve found being at mums and picking up her recent clothes quite comforting- I’ve even brought two of her tops back home and (this may sound weird I know) but her pillow case is wrapped on my bed frame as I want something close to me.

I don’t feel there’s much I can support you with Caroline as you’re further down the line but will do or say what I can. You’re clearly doing a good job as best you can.

My dad is here but is pressuring me to get stuff done ASAP and I just want to see a few friends etc. I will start the paperwork tomo but as Mum & Dad we’re divorced I don’t feel he should have access to all her emails, passwords etc so I’m trying to do what I can and asking him to help with non personal stuff but it makes no difference if it’s not done yesterday then the world will end. I don’t really care right now.

Leading up to the first ‘day Mum went into hospital, Day I ‘really lost my mum mentally’ and the 12th the day she died.i can remember her feel and voice but worry I won’t remember these things so well as time moves on.

I just can’t let go and I too want to talk about my mum everyday.

Keep going ladies, we’re in this together now & need to fight against the kidney failure to stop it wrecking us too.
X

54

Hi Lucy,

You and Lyn are supporting me just by listening - it is much appreciated.

Funny you mention about support dropping off. I got really upset about a month ago about this as some friends I felt I have supported well just have not been there for me. I think it is common and that we just have to find others to help us. I just wanted that quick message to see how I am but nothing.

I agree about your dad - it is good that he can help you but you keep private what you want to keep private.

I am ok with mum’s things now and have a few bits of her clothing to keep. I wear her engagement ring all the time and often kiss it! It was her pride and joy. We have a few pieces of furniture and a nice rug too - they do look a bit odd in my house though rather than mum’s!

I still want to talk about Mum all the time - that I feel is only natural - and I like Lyn’s idea of writing things down. After Mum died I wrote lots of my thoughts down - it did help. I love looking at pictures of her too - sometimes it makes me cry as I want to speak to her again but now they mostly make me happy.

You are doing brilliantly - it maybe 3 weeks but you have had no time to even breathe yet. You will remember her voice - I go over conversations we had to remind myself of what Mum sounded like.

We will all keep going and chatting helps so much.

Goodnight - speak soon and take care.

Caroline
xxx

55

Hi Lucy

I’ve been reading this thread and can really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings of yours and the other contributors.

My mum died in February and I really dreaded the new year. I couldn’t bear the thought of “last year”. She had been alive “last year”. She had died “last year”. I wore headphones and listened to music so I wouldn’t actually know when midnight arrived - I didn’t want to hear any fireworks or church bells ringing.

I can’t work out if mum’s death seems like a long time ago or no time at all. I worry about time passing in case she starts slipping away from me or getting remote from me. I have loads of pictures of her but how I regret not taking a video of her so I could see her alive and hear her voice.

Sometimes I wonder at how quickly some people seem to recover from a bereavement, but everyone is different or they may simply be putting a brave face on things. That’s why I draw so much support from this forum - it’s a bunch of people who seem to be crippled and bewildered by their grief and don’t mind admitting it. I feel I don’t ever want to “get over it” or “move on”.

I smiled when I read about the pressure on you to decide what to do about your mum’s car. Thank you for telling us about it. There’s quite a lot of things in life that I don’t give a monkeys about right now.

Hugs and kisses
Marigold

56

Hi All

Listening to everyone’s comments I feel that one of the biggest things to deal with is ‘death’ itself. Nobody discusses it, hospitals have no guidance or help in place to provide loved one’s with. Consultants when giving bad news just deliver it with such a matter of fact and sometimes brutal way and there is no middle ground that prepares any of us as to what to expect. In my case I had to Google everything, including finding support on the internet via this site.

In my own family we certainly never discussed it and it is no wonder it is such a devastating experience and throws our body and mind into a whole host of feelings and anxiety that we know nothing about.

It is my experience too that people I thought would be here to support me are simply not. It is like it is a taboo subject and nobody wants to discuss it. After the funeral people just stop asking.

I now have a fear of my own mortality in addition to everything else going on and also now a fear of hospitals which I never had before.

Family relationships break down because roles within the family are no longer the same, everything changes and the glue that holds that family structure together comes undone.

Funerals are becoming like a conveyor belt and money making service. It is all so impersonal and cold. You are allocated a time slot and if you go over you will be charged. Cemeteries are becoming long forgotten these days too as people seem to be moving on and leaving loss behind at an alarming speed.

I was also amazed that I got Christmas cards that were inappropriate like the one that said “tis the season to be Jolly”. What happened to sending a card that is personal and about the person receiving it?

Happy New Year messages you receive via your phone that are just sent to the masses?

I am now realising through this experience what a cold uncaring society I am being forced to live in and going anywhere apart from my own home fills me with dread. I no longer want to go shopping as material things now seem so irrelevant. People everywhere remind me of herds of sheep and I feel the need to escape to my own sanctuary away from it all.

Sorry to ramble on but just getting out how I truly feel.

Hope we all have a day of peace

xxx

57

Hi Lucy,

I’m sorry i didn’t reply in time for your mum’s leaving party. (that’s what i called my mum’s). I hope it went ok. I can’t remember bits of the day either, it’s weird, so I ask other people about what happened, whether many people were there, etc.

RE: your mum’s things. Really really hard isn’t it. A phrase I said to myself a lot of the time was “it isn’t her”. My mum isn’t her car - and it’s ok to let it go if i want to, it’s not that i’m getting rid of HER, it’s just her car. Does that make any sense?

I totally get the lack of support too. I’m 4 ish months in to my loss, and I have just a couple of people who ask. I feel like people don’t understand when I’m upset or anything now, but I know that it’s going to take a long old while to feel differently, or happier, and so I just talk to those that will listen! I wish more people cared, but I also guess that most of the time they just don’t get it. I wouldn’t have if it were the other way around, no way would I think it’d take years to get over losing someone. Never have I cried so much! I cried most days for a month, had a few weeks off, and then cried most days for about another month, and now tears have stopped again. Grief comes in waves - very frustrating - you think you’re finally doing ok, and then BAM, the wave knocks you over and you’re in floods of tears! It gets a little easier each day. Like I said, I’m at 4 months, and I don’t feel too bad. I took a long long time from work and i worked less than full time between oct-dec.

I didn’t cremate my mum, i didn’t have any funeral plans for her before she died, so I wear her wedding ring as my way to keep her close to me.

Wishing everyone a happier year than last year, and continued strength to keep going. It seems very unfair that our loved ones died “last year” already and it feels like we’re leaving them behind :frowning: We’re not though, they never really leave us, we just can’t see them anymore.

My friend told me how she sees loss through the use of this story:
The story of the Dragonfly
This is a beautiful story written by Doris Stickney, it was written to explain death to children. However, I believe that it is such a wonderful story for adults too. See the link at the bottom of the page to buy the full version from Amazon at £1.99.

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

dragonfly 2"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another. “one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?” Up, up, up it slowly went…Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn’t return…

“That’s funny!” said one water bug to another. “Wasn’t she happy here?” asked a second… “Where do you suppose she went?” wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together. “I have an idea”. “The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why.”

“We promise”, they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn’t believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings…The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: “the next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why.” Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water…

“I can’t return!” he said in dismay. “At least, I tried. But I can’t keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I’ll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they’ll understand what has happened to me, and where I went.”

Take care of yourselves, xx

58

I also feel the biggest loss of all is the " unconditional" love, the kind that only parents can give you. They have your back, they love you despite your faults and weaknesses. They bought you into the world and protected you. Your hurt was their hurt, your life was their life, your happiness was their happiness, your problems were their problems. Who can ever give me that unconditional love again? This is why we grieve so deeply because they are not irreplaceable…

Arrrgghhhh…need to go and have a shower

59

Hi all,

Just lost all I had written and must get to bed now.

I have read all the posts - been at work today - and all of your thoughts and feelings echo my own. We will be strong together.

I will try to post in more detail tomorrow but keep your thoughts coming.

Caroline
xxx

60

Oh Caroline I did that a few nights ago, wrote a really long post and it just vanished! So annoying, especially when you are tired.

Hope you manage to get a good night’s sleep especially if you have work tomorrow.

I am writing this at 3.30 am…heavy rain and winds woke me up and now can’t get back to sleep!

I am sitting listening to the birds tweeting their little heads off and drinking a cup of tea…don’t know why but sick of tea just lately.

Just looking at a photo of dad and his amazing smile that never fails to light up my heart and for the first time in weeks I am smiling, knowing he is at peace now and no more b******y hospitals and health worries. He was getting tired of it all so I like to think of him now having a nice peaceful long sleep. If only I could get some sleep it would be nice!

I do wonder how I would manage without the internet as these days it seems to be the only form of communication, I find this sad, wish we could go back to the good old days when people phoned you and you got to hear a voice and the anticipated surprise of who was phoning you.

Anyway you are probably all blissfully asleep and wondering what I am waffling on about so I will try again to get some myself. My little dog Sammy is looking at me as if to say “why are we up mummy can we please go back to bed” bless him…

Night, night

xx