I liked your comment about challenging yourself to find the right card expressed with the words it contains, I did this too on father’s Day.
I don’t know if this helps but remember this day is only 1 day of the year and love is shown and expressed 365 days not just one. I see these days i.e. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Valentine’s Day as just marketing days. My dad used to always say to me every day is father’s day Lyn as I am always your dad. He used to say just seeing me meant more to him than any card or present and I agree.
I understand the memories of sadness of that day last year for you, so maybe if you can try and change the association? Difficult I know. How about planting a nice tree or shrub in your garden and seeing it grow every year and looking after it. It would represent the growth of your mum’s life.
Last year dad had his front garden turned into a drive as he couldn’t manage both front and back gardening anymore even though I offered to do it for him. He said to me he didn’t want anyone else doing it for him as it would be a constant reminder to him of what he could no longer do. He dug up a beautiful Camilla shrub, potted it into a large tub and gave it me. It is next to his bench and I love seeing it everyday even when it’s not in flower. Nature is a wonderful way of remembering loved ones.
Hope everyone has a good weekend and stays safe and warm
Thank you for your post. I sort of feel at peace today as it is my mum’s decision to go in a home and I know they will be better at making her comfortable.
I totally understand your mixed emotions about mother’s day. Last fathers day was also my dad’s birthday and it was only a month after he died. I spent it in hospital with my mum. Talk about rock bottom. Even though I still have my mum, all the tv, email and posters about mother’s day are making me feel ill. I just want it to go away as it reminds me of what my friends will be able to do with their mum’s. But the baton continues and my son will no doubt make me a lovely scribbled card and for that i am thankful.
Hi Lyn
Your idea of planting something is perfect. I was going to this for birthdays but why not for mothers days etc too. I am going to get bulbs and cover an area over time with them. Every spring new and more snowdrops/daffodils/crocus will pop up to cheer me up in memory of my parents and remind me of moving forward and remembering the past at the same time. That’s the plan anyway…
So sorry to hear how stressed you have been this week. I just do not know how you have been managing to juggle looking after your mum, your son and work, having the grief with your dad at the same time. You are amazing.
You must never think of it as a failure that your mum is now going into a home. You have done absolutely everything you could possibly do looking after your mum at home for all these months. Your mum now needs a level of care that can be best provided by 24 hour care so again you are doing the absolute best for your mum and it is also what your mum is requesting.
Thank you for your post. It certainly has been stressful. Today I made what will probably be the last meal for my mum at her house. These significant moments are so hard as they are fleeting seconds that you can’t grasp or take in yet so significant. My mum, inbetween being confused and sleeping, gave my son my dad’s watch which he was proud as punch to wear. Such an odd feeling knowing that would be the last Sunday with my mum in the home I grew up in, glancing at the watch my dad wore every day, now on my 5 year old son. All too much.
I know I keep saying this but I am so greatful to this forum. I get support just when I need it from my wonderful “virtual grief sisters”. Big hugs and a “mwah!” kiss to you all. It feel odd turning to strangers but you guys are the only people that really seem to get what I am going through and offer real advice and comfort. Thank you all. Xxx
Now that I have buttered you up…Anyone dealing with bitterness to relatives/ friends on here with any advice? My in-laws phoned from South America before and I couldn’t even speak to them. They abandoned us for a month when we really needed support with child care etc and I just can’t let it go. I know I need to for the sake of my husband and son but they are driving me mad with their complete lack of understanding as to what the last 10 months have been like for us. They are selfish people and would never have done what we have for someone else so I just want to avoid them for a while but know I can’t. Anyone been through similar? Got a pattern for a voodoo doll that I can take my frustration out on or a chant I can mutter under my breath to keep my cool?
Anyway. It is Sunday and hopefully we are all relaxing this evening and keeping on just keeping on?
I had tears reading this. It is not only losing a parent that is so heartbreaking, it’s also the end of our connection with our childhood and “family home” and our very identity. Our foundations have gone and rebuilding them is so hard. The significance of the last meal with your mum in the family home will stay with you forever but actually going through doing it must have been devastating for all of you. The watch is such a lovely gesture and will ensure the generations are linked together.
I have a lot of anger towards my mother and brother and a few others who have just chosen to totally cut me adrift because they only think of themselves and although it hurt like hell, I realise I don’t want or need people like this in my life who have so little regard for me or my feelings. I have become black and white with who I chose to now have around me now and I see it as a positive.
Your situation is a lot more complicated as you have also to consider your husband and son, my advice would be to put a bit of distance between you and them. Keep it basic and polite and nothing more. (If it were me and not you I would actually confront them about it and let them know how I felt), because the tension will continue to build or ask your husband to speak to them.
You are grieving the loss of your dad and impending loss of your mum you have every right to feel what you do and anyone with an ounce of compassion and common decency would step up to the mark and support you. Sadly people are too wrapped up in their own selfish lives and you don’t need these type of people around you. Keep the focus on your mum and you and your son. Let hubby deal with his parents.
Hi All,
Hope you’re all as ok as you can be. Just catching up with all of these posts.
Hope today went ok Ann? You’re doing exactly what I did - the last meal, last time in her house, last everything & it sucks! My last morning with Mum still able to communicate was our Christmas and as soon as I’d opened my presents from her and we’d done that, that was it. She then had a mini stroke that afternoon unbeknown to me at the time but she still kissed me goodbye that night so whatever happens over the coming time, make sure you keep talking to your mum even if you think she’s not able to hear. And most importantly go back to being a daughter and not a carer, you e done an amazing thing but nows the time to spend quality time even if it’s jyst sitting with her holding her hand and talking if singing to her. That’s all she will need from you now. And you can’t do that when you’re having to care full on too. It’s quality and treasured time & you’ll look back in it & realise but tough to see at the time. I actually gobsmacked my Mum as she never knew I could be so caring!
Don’t talk to me about bitterness!! I’m an only child and only have one auntie but she’s not rung me once since Mum died. Had a text and she turned up at funeral but nothing else. My dads sister and even he’s disgusted with her. That side of the family are just not very emotional and I got my emotional support from mum. Im going through the I can’t be bothered with pretty much everyone stage (apart from you all), it’s almost like mums died so it’s now time to move on. How can you?! I’ve actually decided that although I’m not celebrating my 40th birthday I am going to go & visit my mums friends as her oldest friends live down south so I know if I see them I can talk about her and some knew her for 45+ years so I can hear some stories too, I feel that way she will still be a part of it all. She’s written me a card which will be very tough but wonderful. As Lyn said put some distance beteeen you and your in laws - sort yourself out and your mums needs first do if that means no communication from you for some time then so be it-don’t waste time on them when you could spend it with your Mum and she’s more important.
This first mother’s day is a challenge Caroline, I’m going to buy my Mum
A card as I still want to get her one and I’ll put it on top of her ashes which are still in my lounge! Got used to having her here now!
Stay strong everyone, xx
Ann, I have been thinking of you today. But Lucy is absolutely right when she says you can now go back to being a daughter instead of a carer. Apart from anything else, the staff in the home are much better able and equipped to attend to your mum’s physical needs. They can keep her physically comfortable while you can concentrate on providing emotional/spiritual support. The little “milestones” like the last meal in the house are horrible and there seem to be so many of them. I don’t think there’s a lot you can do.
I don’t know what I would do with your selfish relations. I was very lucky because I was able to share my load with totally unselfish sisters. If you think it will clear the air to have it out with them then go for it. But if you think it’s going to create bad feeling and not result in any tangible good then I’m not sure there’s much point. It will only prey on your mind more than it is already and it’s just mental and emotional junk you can do without.
Lucy, I love the way you can’t be bothered with anybody. I’m exactly the same. And as for “moving on”, I have no intention of “moving on”.
I am feeling so sad and tearful as it is 3 months today my beloved dad left this world and I cannot comprehend I have not seen or spoken to him for this long as it’s the longest time in my entire life. First time too I have no family in my life.
Most days I cope ok but the bad days are really hard to deal with. My energy is low and I just feel like I want to go to bed and sleep through it but can’t as I am a cog in the wheel of life and they don’t stop so I have no choice but to plod on.
I am going through a stage of asking myself so many questions about the meaning of life, what happens when we die and what is it all about? It really messed my head up but I keep needing to make sense of it all?
Although my mum is well and alive but just choosing to not speak or see me ever again, I too am seeing all the mother’s day adverts and it brings to me another sense of loss. It’s a different loss but it still hurts. I will be grieving a mother’s day where I realise I never had a mum who ever cared about me and it feels like a knife in my heart.
You are all lucky and blessed that you had lovely mother’s.
I am so sorry you’re having a bad day. Since my mum died - and it’s over a year ago now - I too having been asking what happens after we die and what’s the point of it all. Unless we’re going to meet up in some afterlife it all seems a bit pointless being here in the first place. I try to believe I’ll see her again, in which case although it’s over a year since I saw her I’m a year closer to seeing her again.
I really can’t understand your mum at all. I’m sure she can’t be happy. She has missed out on all the love you have for your dad. I don’t like to think of you feeling so down about life but your grief is an indication to me of just what a loving devoted daughter you were to your dad. He was as lucky to have you as you are to have him.
Hang in there - I know you don’t have much choice.
Hugs and kisses
Marigold
Lucy, I think we are experiencing so many exact same feelings and experiences, just at different times. You were clearly a wonderful daughter and were blessed with a fab mum. It’s so hard to feel thankful for having someone wonderful while also grieving that they are gone. Cliche alert but is it better to have loved and lost rather than never loved at all…who knows. Thank you for sharing your experiences though. As with everyone on here, it helps me so much. Xx
Marigold, thank you for your thought too. I love the fact you said the milestones are tough but there is not much you can do. That is so true and sometimes it is better to admit it rather than try to find a solution even. Grief is just a horrid process we have to somehow get through I guess. I just appreciate all the honesty and empathy on here so thank you so much too. Xx
Lynn, I am so sorry you are having a rubbish day. When it hits you it is so overwhelming and it can hit at any time. Would it help to imagine what your dad would say to you now? I imagine my dad would tell me to stop worrying and make sure I enjoy life. Easier said than done but I know my dad would be unhappy if I was unhappy and I am sure your dad would feel the same.
I dare not even think about the meaning of life and what happens. It is too overwhelming. I have decided that it’s all about love though and love is indestructible. However long it is since my dad died, I know I will always love him and nothing can take that away from me. I do really feel for you though and we are all rooting for you to have an easier day tomorrow. Xx
I cannot imagine what you are going through to have no family in your life. I only have my dad and no other living immediate family so it is something I think about and I can only imagine how unanchored you feel.
I understand your energy levels will be low. I used to work long hours but just scrape through 7 hours a day now so my whole world is totally different . The cog in the wheel concept does not allow us any time to process what has happened. Just try to rest as much as possible while you rebuild a stock of energy.
I am also questioning where my mum is and have no clear thoughts.
I do not understand why your mother and brother are not supporting you when they know how much you will be missing your dad.
Aww sorry it has been a bad day. 3 months is such an age without your lovely dad and so hard to bear.
This time of year does not help the fatigue - we all need some warm sunshine on our faces to lift us. I believe that I am still not over the fatigue so be kind to yourself and rest when you can. The plodding on is all we can do and it does get easier if not better.
The meaning of life is a tough one and quite personal in the end. When we lose a loved one that meaning changes - sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently - but life does go on and we do still have meaning. I think we have to take time to find out what that meaning is but to carry on is not being disrespectful to our parents or their memory.
At times I feel I should not feel happy - we have all had this conversation before on the thread - as Mum is not here but then I see her beautiful face and her sparkling eyes telling me it is ok.
Oddly, I have had the ‘what is going to happen to me when I die’ thought and I find it more scary than I did before Mum passed. They say that a bereavement makes you question your own mentality which it certainly has for me. Weird how we are all going through pretty much the same thoughts and feelings but I am finding that it helps me so much to know that I am not going mad!
I am so sorry that your Mum is lost to you. Another loss as you say and I really don’t know what to say - just that we are here for you.
Yes, Mother’s Day will be tough but I am going to plant a rose in the garden, as Lyn suggested, as it is something positive to do. I am also going out for the day with a friend to Crufts for some retail therapy!
I had to smile at what,you said about your mum’s ashes. My mum’s ashes are still in her house, in her bedroom, as we have not decided where we are scattering them yet. Hopefully it will be in the harbour in Salcombe, in Devon, which is where we scattered my dad’s ashes in 1985.
The idea of visiting your mum’s oldest friend for your 40th is great - sharing the memories of your Mum with people who knew her well. The card … wow, but how wonderful too.
Just to say will be thinking of you all tomorrow and your lovely mum’s. You are all such wonderful daughter’s so hope you all feel the love tomorrow.
The Broken Chain
I little knew that morning
That God was going to call your name
In life I loved you dearly
In death I do the same
It broke my heart to lose you
You did not go alone
For part of me went with you
The day god called you home
You left me precious memories
Your love is still my guide
And although I cannot see you
You are always by my side
The family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us one by one
The chain will link again
Thank you Lyn, I was just thinking about posting as I am out all day tomorrow with a very early start (going to spectate at Crufts). Those words are lovely and they are very comforting.
I have brought Mum a plant (purple carnations in a pot that can go outside) and a card but not the type of card I would usually buy as she is not here to read it. I have mixed emotions at the moment but I am going to be busy all day tomorrow which I am pleased about.
Last Mother’s Day Mum was in hospital and not herself but she was here and we could talk to her. I miss holding her hand and giving her a hug. I miss her voice most of all and her laugh. Tomorrow marks 7 months since she left us and for some reason that seems to make it worse.
I will be thinking of all of the group tomorrow and hoping that we can get through yet another of the firsts. I rarely saw Mum on Mother’s Day due to distance but I used to enjoy choosing her a special card - I would start my search as soon as they appeared in the shops !
Take care one and all. Thank you to all of you for keeping this group going as I find it such a comfort.
Glad you will be busy Caroline and I hope you enjoy Crufts. I am so glad you have got some nice flowers.
All these firsts for everyone are so poignient and having each other’s support is so wonderful. Our parents made us caring people I am guessing so I am glad we are all here to carry on their baton of caring for others. Your mum’s would be proud. Xx
Hope you have a good day at Crufts tomorrow and I’m sure your mum would be happy knowing you are doing something you enjoy. I keep saying one day I will go.
The plant sounds lovely.
I too miss dad’s voice and laugh more than anything in the world. It’s always going to be mixed emotions on all of these special dates. It’s the measure of our immense love and loss all wrapped into one.
I am always going to be here because this too was part of the journey of loss and memories but most importantly knowing people you have never known are here to support you through it.
Enjoy the day Caroline just as your mum would wish you to do