Hi LynT
Just to say sorry to see the news about your Mum and hope you are OK.
Mel
Hello Mel
This isn’t Lynn speaking I am her friend. I don’t like using her private mail but felt I should respond.No she isn’t ok but myself and my husband are getting her the help she needs. I understand folk feeling the need to defend themselves as folk don’t know what someone is going through and Mel it was good to see someone actually ask if she was ok.I guess as a mentor that is your role.
Thank you
Mandy
I hope that Lyn gets the help and support that she needs.
Caroline
Hello everyone,
I’m just jumping in here to address what happened over the weekend. I’m sorry that things got out of hand and that I wasn’t around to manage it sooner (I’ll be reviewing how I can moderate this community at weekend). A number of these posts break our community guidelines so I will be removing them from this thread. I know many of you have found comfort from this thread so I don’t want to close it down entirely, but I also don’t think these posts are helpful or supportive to members of this community.
I hope you are all doing okay today as I imagine this was a very distressing conversation to be a part of.
If any of you would like to talk to me further about this or have any worries or questions please don’t hesitate to send me a private message.
With best wishes,
Eleanor
Hi Ann
Sorry to hear you were in A & E. Not a good time for you to be unwell when you will be run down and stressed. Hope you are doing better healthwise now. Take it easy if you are able, I know you will have a lot of arrangements to sort at the moment.
I have reacted to different bereavements differently. With my mum, rather than being tearful, I feel slightly panicked when I think that I am in the world without her if that makes sense, but mainly I find it difficult to grasp she is not here so perhaps that is why I am calm although there were some months when it was difficult to work and function around months 4 and 5 so I guess what I am saying is it does change quite a bit. Dont know if you had time to process all that with your dad due to what was happening with your mum at the time xx
Hi Jayne.
Thanks for warning me when the enormity of it all hit you. I expect that the busyness and my gallbladder problems are preventing it hitting me for a while.
At the moment I am relieved that the caring is over as I physically burnt myself out, as my gallbladder is proving… I’m also relieved my mum’s suffering is over and that we had the opportunity to spend so much time together this last year.
In a few months time though I will be left with just emptiness I guess and that is scary. Today my little boy did his “promise” for scouts. The first of many many events that my first thought would usually be to tell my mum all about it.
I’ve had panic attacks in the past because of post traumatic stress a year after a horrid event and I’m scared my grieving will come out that way out of the blue.
As for my lovely dad, I seem to be finally thinking about him nearly as much as my mum. It is his voice I miss so much.
How are you doing this week Jayne? Hope things are settling down for you.
Ann xx
Hello. I don’t know why I opened this particular thread tonight but I did and I’m saddened to hear about Lynn. I hope she is well enough to be reunited with her precious Sammy very soon. Lynn and I had exchanged a few private messages as we had both lost loved ones with the same Heart issue but different relationship type. I kept some of the messages as I was touched her words of encouragement and inspiring wisdom. Obviously a “Giver” by nature. Sending warmest wishes.
Hi Ann & All,
How are you getting on Ann? You comment about the first think you thought of was ‘I must tell Mum’ really struck a chord with me. I still think that but I still kind of talk to her and tell her though. How’s the gall bladder, I hope you’ve not had any more A&E visits?
Glad you’re feeling as ok as you can about having spent so much time together with your mum, maybe not in the circumstances you would have wished for but you still did all you could and she’ll have known that. I think knowing you did all you could will be a great comfort to you but it sounds like you’ve been non stop since your dad’s passing. I’m sure you’re going to find the time aspect in months to come very different. I’d say the past 6 weeks since everything’s really been sorted etc - I’ve really noticed how much spare time I now have. It’s been nice to relax in the sun but I’d still rather have her here but healthy and happy.
How are you getting on with funeral plans etc - it’s all so much so soon. Thinking of you Ann.
Hope you’re ok Caroline and everyone else too.
x
Hi Lucy and everyone.
Gallbladder behaving thanks…for now. A big panic I have is that it kicks off on the day of the funeral, but fingers crossed it behaves.
You are right about it being non stop since my dad died Lucy. I worry about having time on my hands and how everything will hit me in the future but if I’ve learnt anything this year, it is to stop trying to control everything. Especially my emotions.
I was worried about how I would feel about going back to the crematorium with my mum, so soon after my dad died and feeling overwhelmed that I hadn’t even had time to go back to visit my dad’s ashes that are buried in a grave there with his mum and dad. Today I went. It was ok. Sort of peaceful so I’m glad I did that before Tuesday when the funeral is. There is a lake there too and suddenly it didn’t seen such a bad idea to scatter my mum’s ashes there, close to my dad but helping nature grow, just as she would have wanted it.
I like the fact you still talk to your mum Lucy. I haven’t really done that. Today I murmured to my dads grave that my mum’s sunflowers would be on it on Tuesday. I sort of felt silly saying it out loud. I miss my dad’s voice so much. He always managed to just say a few words that instantly made me feel better about anything. Xx
My mum was more of a talker. She talked constantly. Even before I cared for her this last year, I would speak to her everyday on the phone. It’s the little things that are the hardest to lose. Just knowing she is there to talk to.
Sounds silly but I might start talking to the birds in the garden instead…the neighbours may think I’ve lost it but hey ho! After the year I’ve had I think I could be excused.
Hope you are all enjoying a bit of time relaxing in the sunshine. I feel part of a bigger picture when I’m outside which helps a bit.
Ann xxx
Hi Ann
Glad you are feeling a bit better and am sure you will fine on the day of the funeral.
Talking to the birds in the garden or anything else that takes your fancy sounds a great idea. I miss talking to my Mum all the time and hearing her voice and laugh. I had Mum’s ashes at home with me for over a year before they were interred. I always said goodnight to Mum as they were in the bedroom with me and used to chat to her if I felt like it.
I went for a picnic somewhere we both both loved earlier this week and sat and chatted to her there. It felt very poignant being there without her but good in some ways and I felt very close to her.
Mel
Hi Mel,
That’s nice that you went somewhere you both loved. A picnic sounds a lovely place to have a chat with her. I guess that is how they live on in us, by doing things they enjoyed and remembering the good times. My mum assured me that loved ones don’t go away and I sort of believe her.
My mum and dad live on through me as they made me who I am. They also told me they want me to carry on and enjoy life. No pressure there mum and dad!
Still haven’t finished the eulogy. I’m going to ask the vicar to read it out as I’ll have enough on just breathing on Tuesday.
Happy Saturday everyone. Wish me luck. I’m spending it with the in-laws…
Ann xx
Hi Ann
Hope your day with your inlaws was ok.
I did not attempt to read the eulogy and the vicar read it. You may find you are quite calm on Tuesday. I mostly was on the day as it was as if I had no concept of why we were at the church. I just could not really associate it with my mum somehow or if I associated it with her at all, certainly not the actual reason we were there.
I see that your parents told you to carry on and enjoy life. We know that is what we need to do, but how we achieve that I am finding is the tricky bit. Anyway you will now be focusing on getting through Tuesday. One day at a time for now xx
Hi Lucy
Glad to see you have been sitting in the sun. Not sure if you are finding this but with any spare time I am not really doing anything constructive, in fact I seem to be waiting for everything to get back to how it was and do not have the same focus. Not sure when this will change. Just trying to go with this at the moment.
Xx
Hi Jayne
The day with the in-laws was sooo frustrating. I struggled with biting my tongue with them before all this but now it is even harder as it highlights how different my parents were and how much I’ve lost. Even my husband feels the same and they are his parents. I’ve just got zero time for selfish people now.
I may feel a sense on calm or be a hysterical mess on Tuesday, but I guess there is no way to prepare. I’ve just got to get on with it as my mum would say. It is other people’s looks of pity that I’m not sure I can deal with. Last year I had my mum next to me, squeezing one of my dad’s hankies into my hand when I needed it. It gave me strength to have it so this time I’m taking the same one to squeeze. It has certainly needed to be wrung out lots of times this last year.
I think your body is telling you to have a rest when you lose your motivation for things so I wouldn’t worry about that. It will come back. I think we all certainly deserve a rest at the moment. Just wish I could do it with a nice glass of wine but I’m too scared I’ll have another blooming gallbladder attack!
Ann xx
Hi Ann
Sorry to hear your day with the in laws didn’t go well. Nothing you can do except let it all wash over you and ignore.
I am sure you will be fine on Tuesday. It doesn’t matter if you cry or are calm or in a daze. I remember reading on here a lovely description of someone else’s Mum’s funeral and wake as her leaving party and always think of that as a good thing to call it.
I am just home from meeting friends I saw nearly two years ago just after losing Mum. Then I had a full meltdown during the evening and tsunamis of grief. Last night was wonderful just being so much better and seeing them again. Had always felt I ruined the evening then and it was nice to assured I didn’t. Although tough and knowing I will never be quite the same as before I have come a real long way since 2016.
Hang onto that hanky hard. I sleep with one of Mums still.
Mel
Xx
Thanks, yes it’s been nice but for the wrong reasons. But nothing I can do so I’m taking advantage of being able to just relax. Last week was the first week at work where I e not come back exhausted. Even popped out yesterday to the beach & saw the fly past. I have felt like that yes and I did for some time feel that I just couldn’t get motivated. I now feel a little better and am just enjoying lots of relaxation to be honest. I’m starting to feel a bit more like my friends (well the few I have left!). The way they don’t seem to have many cares etc and yet my last three years have been pretty full on without a minute to breathe.
I’m sure you will feel a bit better with time. I’m just getting through things one by one so the paperwork was first, sorting mums house, renting mums house out and now I’m onto the next thing which is trying to sort myself out a bit better and settle more at work.
I think it’s very tough when our lives have been so taken over and I wouldn’t change it for the world - everything I did as I’m so pleased when I felt awful that I still visited Mum etc as I can’t do that now but I do feel comfort knowing I couldn’t have really done anymore.
Hope you’re ok xx
Hi Mel,
Hope you’re ok. Can’t believe the way you wrote you’ll never be the same as you were before your loss as I went for a weekend break with a friend in April and it just wasn’t the same- well I wasn’t the same. I didn’t enjoy it as much and I felt very different. I’m glad I’m not the only one! X
So pleased you’re already being so strong and thinking about your parents words that they wanted you to carry on. It’s def helping me move forwards and I really do feel in the past few weeks with things calming down that I just need to crack on now and see the world and do everything she would have wanted me too.
I’m sure Tuesday will be tough but you may be very calm or you may be like me when you see the guilt trippers at the funeral and want to tell them what you think! I ended up ignoring them - including my aunty! Too many other genuine people there to see!
Thinking of you and I don’t know about you with your dad but I found the day after the funeral awful. I didn’t get up until midday- my dad wondered what was going on as my cat didn’t cone downstairs either! I think the day after is tough. It’s all tough and it’s awful but make her really proud- which I’m sure you will do naturally. It’s your parting gift to make sure her send off is lovely (as ridiculous as that sounds) but I tried to do my Mum proud but it was still so sad. Xx
Hi Mel, Lucy and everyone.
I’m starting to panic. People keep telling me to “be strong” tomorrow and I want to scream at them that I have absolutely no control over how I will be tomorrow!
Yes, I may be calm and the perfect hostess or I may be a diva and cling to my mum’s coffin screaming but the last thing I am going to do is pretend to be strong just to stop other people feeling awquard around me. Sorry. Rant over. I know they are trying to help but I know you ladies will get me and allow me to freak out. Xx
I went to my mum’s house today to clean up a bit in case neighbours pop in to her house tomorrow and it hit me that a year ago I was waiting with my mum for my dad’s coffin to go up the drive and a year on, and here we are again but with my mum in the hurse. One thing that keeps ringing in my ears is my mum saying “Just get on with it.” Bless her stoicism. They made people much better in the 40s. I’m a 70s child and a complete wimp in comparison.
Anyway, just wanted to rant a bit and basically admit I’m scared. Scared of my emotions more than the event in a way.
If only I could turn to alcohol to dampen it all a bit but I can’t even do that. Blooming gallbladder.
Ann xx
Hello,
The prospect of the funeral is usually much worse than the service itself. I was fine until saw an old colleague- he went through 4 awful bereavements while I worked for him, I burst into tears as soon as I saw him remembering them all.
t’s a shame about the alcohol - I sympathise a glass or two of wine does take the edge of.
Take care and I wish you well, J x.