What I am trying to say probably very badly after a few glasses of wine, is, I don’t want my dad’s death to slot into what’s acceptable in society and people’s reactions and how polite and appeasing I should be to anyone’s responses or my own. I should not be on a forum discussing my dad’s death politely, I should be falling apart, longing and yearning for him and expressing my pain, sadness and heartache because that is the reality and I have to do that alone because that also is the reality of it. In my dad’s generation with no internet and political correctness that goes with social media, they just got on with it and they did it the right way
You are right Lyn - you have the right to do as you please and I think this particular forum allows us to vent and share our feelings openly.
I feel free to express my real feelings here with no fear of judgement or criticism.
I think the old ways were the best ways and social media can be all about sharing our ‘perfect lives’ but this forum does buck the trend I feel.
Take care and I will do my best to understand and be there for you. Don’t forget that our parents (not literally) brought us together.
Caroline xx
Caroline
I have read all my own posts and realise what an idiot I am because I am suffering and hurting and cannot keep being polite about it anymore. I need to lock myself in a room and express myself fully and let my dad know how I feel not discuss it on a forum. Grief at some point has to become private but we reach out, lash out, seek guidance as we try to make sense of it all. I have to talk to dad to deal with this and I’m ashamed I reached out to strangers rather than him
xxx
Caroline
Just know you are a huge comfort because you are you and I read you well. Xx
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Hi Caroline
I was in your situation last year, selling Mum’s house where I had lived since I was very young. Clearing out a lifetimes things was a nightmare. My parents were hoarders, there were black sacks of blankets in the roof from my Grandmother’s house. Brought home when she passed away and put in the roof as they might be useful one day. Children’s books and toys, antiques, pictures. It was a nightmare and a big wake up call to me not to keep things for the sake of it.
Mum’s house went to a young couple as well, I met them and they were very pleasant which somehow made things feel a bit better. I wish them well as the house was a very unhappy place the last 16 months I was there. I know they want to have children and the thought of the house being a family home again pleases me a lot.
I love where I am living now, pretty little place and all that but it will be a long time before I really call it home. The reason is because Mum is not here with me and I find that very hard to cope with. I want to come home in the evening and tell her what I have been doing. When I meet my friends I want to come home and Mum ask how they all are and what they were wearing. Mum would have sent them her love and they would have sent theirs back. I want to hear her voice again and hear her laugh, to see the naughty look in her eyes when she had said something funny. I don’t want to ‘get over’ missing those things and thinking about Mum every day.
Like you I want to express my real feelings. My sister changes the subject as quickly as she can if I talk about Mum. She says she cares and misses Mum but has a funny way of showing it. I re-read some of the early posts I made on this forum earlier this week and know I have come a long way but there is a long long way to still go. Knowing I can come on here and be really me is such a help.
Mel
I am going to take a break from it all and wish everyone well in their own personal journey and thank everyone for their support. I need to focus on my dad’s life/ death and reflection
Take care
xx
Hi Lyn,
Reaching out to strangers is ok. Your dad understands that loss and grief is confusing - trying to make sense of it all leads us down many paths.
Never be ashamed of reaching out. Your dad would want you to have us here to try to help if we can.
Take care xxx
Hi Mel,
Sounds like you had a real mountain to climb along with so many memories when clearing your mum’s house.
Luckily Mum had de-cluttered quite well over the last few years. However it is still a tough job throwing out family things because you cannot keep them all.
Like you I miss Mum still every day. I live at a distance so only actually saw her a few times a year but we talked on the phone almost daily. Her birthday is 14th and I miss searching for the special card to send to her - she kept every single one I have sent to her.
I so wish I could hear her voice again - and see her sparkly blue eyes …
Take care and thank you for your post xx
Ann
You have my upmost respect and I hope you find some peace and happiness because you have showed amazing strength and you will cope because you are a totally selfless person and have put your mum’s needs above your own and that is not only admirable, it was the right thing to do. Giving your time and energy to your mum was what has made her proud of you and in my opinion your actions speak more about you than your words.
xxx
Marigold
I get you totally and you devoted your life to your mum and I feel your pain more than most.
xxx
Jayne
Keep on being you
xx
Hope you’re ok after the awful message you revieved. I’m sure the rest of us are still here for you Caroline and it’s perfectly normal that you didn’t see your Mum all the time. Most children move on from their parents as a natural part of life so please ignore that message. I am here for you still and will be facing my mums birthday on June 13th so sure I’ll be feeling similar the next few weeks. Take care and please do pop on to let me know you’re ok . Xxx
Hi Ann, hope you’re doing ok. Tough collecting the death certificate and then saying widowed must have been tough and a double realisation. It is difficult being an only child in some respects but in other ways it’s not. Glad your husband is there for you. I must admit that I haven’t cried anywhere near as much as I thought I would and have also found myself wondering why am I not crying as much as I think I should be and thinking my mum would be gutted that I’m not constantkybin floods of tears but I now also think she’d be so proud of how strong I’ve been. I do believe it’s because of the anticipatory grief from the past two years. I don’t want to say it was worse because nothing will take away the feeling of despair I feel without Mum but the build up and timeline of fear was absolutely unbearable at times. I was so upset one day I was physically sick in the build up to her death.
I’ve found that tears come and go but I had so much anger for some time. That’s finally calmed down as I’ll always be grateful that she was my mum & if that meant a shorter time then as unfair as I feel it is, I wouldn’t swap.
Hope you’re doing as ok as you can right now. Xx
Glad you’re ok xx
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Hi All.
Erm…and in other news…I was in A&E again today with my blooming gallbladder. Anyway. Just wanted to lighten the mood 
Caroline, I am very pleased you are back on here and got through the emotional house journey. Mel, you too.
It is amazing how significant possessions become but letting some go can free us too a bit hopefully? I even read the book “the life changing magic of tidying up” recently but my house is still a mess and I’ve got mum and dad’s to add to the to do list, but not for a while… It is nice to think new families will be growing in yours though now. Xx
Lucy, have you any plans to mark your mum’s birthday? I am thinking that I will buy a nice plant for my mum and dad’s birthdays and their wedding anniversary…and fathers day and mother’s day…it’s something positive and unfortunately, with so many significant dates to come, at least my garden will be blooming with new plants I wouldn’t have treated myself to otherwise. I am sure my mum and dad would approve of this.
And finally, a saying my mum believed whole heartedly was “just love one another” and finally “judge not”.
Enough said on that topic me thinks!
Ann xxx
Thanks Ann - great post.
Tough times but we are getting there x
Hi Lucy,
I didn’t see your last message to me in the crossfire.
Thanks for telling me about your tear journey before and after your mum’s death. I may be on a similar journey I think but we shall see. Anticipatory grief was so so awful.
I know your mum would be super proud of you. I also feel the same. They were taken from us far too soon but thankful they were so amazing and wouldn’t swap either.
Big hugs
Ann xx
Lyn, I am sorry to hear about your Mum.
Caroline
Thanks Ann. It’s certainly a time where I feel like it was ages ago Mum dying but also like yesterday. It’s jjust odd. Everyone’s different but I feel bad that I’m not in floods of tears constantly. I almost wish I’d reassured Mum that I would be ok but when we were together especially the last year I just couldn’t hold it together sometimes in front of her and I think she was worried about how I’d cope after and now here I am apparently coping and I just don’t know what to make of it all.
I don’t know what to do for mums birthday. I saw some cards the other day and thought I’ll probably still get her one. I am working from home that day so I can have tears to myself. It’ll be 6 months on the 12th too. I may get another picture of her done too. The glass ring I have with her ashes is the most lovely thing ever as she’s with me everyday. Probably doesn’t like what she hears sometimes!!!
You’re clearly doing well so far. I can’t imagine to have lost both parents in such a short space of time. A friend of mine passed away 4 years ago she was 50 and her son was 23, a year and a day later his dad died. He too has done such an amazing job in coping.
Thanks again Ann and yes leave the sorting of things for a bit. Funeral will be the next focus and everything else can wait until after then. You must be shattered. Xx
Sorry Ann, hope you’re ok with gallbladder too. You poor thing. X