Thanks so much for the post. It really gave me a little boost knowing someone remembered. I’ve had one message from a friend but that’s it so far… social media is filled with people doing nice things with their dad’s and posters are everywhere but at least I know I was so blessed to have a dad who truly was and will always be my hero. Happy birthday and fathers day Daddy. Xx
It was hard buying a fathers day card for my husband and not my dad but I decided to keep busy today so went to see Peter rabbit with my son (cinemas are great places to cry in peace!) especially when Peter was sad he had lost both his parents…Peter had words of wisdom for us all though when he told his siblings that they carry their parents around in their hearts now. I’ve lost the plot seeking advice from a computer generated rabbit but there you go. I’ll take help from anywhere at the moment.
Sorry to hear you are having tonsil problems Lucy. Antibiotics are so draining and you certainly don’t want to mess up your 40th with a tonsil op! We seem to have a lot of parts of our body that we can live without. My gallbladder is still behaving but I think it knows Tuesday is probably decision day on if it stays or goes while I’m having the stent taken out…such fun. I totally agree with you Lucy about stress having an impact on our bodies and would love to save “gally”. Did stress seem to trigger your tonsil problems too?
I’m not running around as much as usual and I’m trying to ease the pace from caring for my mum to nothing gradually but I guess my gallbladder will force me to do this next week so one way or another I am taking it slower step by step. Let’s hope the sun comes back soon as it does seem to help a bit.
Thinking of you today on Father’s Day and your dad’s birthday. You are well over halfway through the day now so you are nearly through one of these tough anniversaries.
I see that you have managed to keep busy with a trip to the cinema, all a step forward in trying to get to this ‘new normal’, although I haven’t quite figured out what that is yet. Even the film had a poignant message for you!
Yes Elderflower Champagne toast for Dad tonight. Is a long time since I lost him, well over 20 years but I still think of his sense of fun a lot. A big tease sometimes but lovely. Looked at all the big Toblerones in the shops and thought of him, always used to get him one.
Mum would have been 95 in November, hard to believe five years ago we were planning a big party for her. Glad we had that as it was a lovely day and the last time all her side of the family were together. Dad’s family had long scattered and lost touch with most of them but his cousin came which was great.
Oh yes I agree about the cinema, wonderful place for a good cry. I was the only person in the cinema who wept all through LaLa Land! Peter Rabbit is wise indeed, love a children’s film so might go and see that one.
I think I am faking the new normality at the moment Jayne. I also expect this will be the case for a very long time. I see life very black and white at the moment. Life with mum and dad and now chapter 2, life without them. It doesn’t mean I can’t carry on, it just means it will permanently be very different and suddenly I have to truly grow up and stand on my own feet without their fantastic security blanket to wrap around me. How are you doing at the moment with your emotions Jayne?
I thought of you today Mel when I saw heaps of elderflowers. Is it too late to make champagne with them? I thoroughly recommend Peter Rabbit. It’s not meant to be a tear jerker…
It is nice to hear you still remember your dad so clearly. I worry so so much I will forget things about my mum and dad.
Actually, I don’t think it has sunk in yet that my mum is never going to be around again. I keep blocking out what must have happened to her body in the last few days. It just doesn’t feel real.
Thanks for being there today everyone. I genuinely wonder how I would be doing without this forum as a security blanket.
Hi All,
Glad you all seem to be doing as ok as you can. I think that’s how best describes this feeling of not really too sure what we are going through - but we’re doing it as best we can!
Glad you had some distraction yesterday Ann and had the chance to have a bit of a cry. Don’t keep it in. I know what you mean about not really realising that mum will never be here again. It’s so strange as it feels like months ago but also like yesterday and that I can’t get my head around. Must have been strange not buying a fathers day card for your dad - so tough as you still have to face buying one. I’ve found buying Mum cards quite nice actually as I’ve been writing messages to her. Hope you remembered your Dad well yesterday, I’m sure you did. Good luck tomorrow with the gallbladder appointment. Oh my tonsils are always a problem - I think the amount of driving I do for work doesn’t help as I feel run down so much and then it always goes to my tonsils but getting them out will be much better long term.
Hope you’re doing ok Jayne too?
I’m also glad you remember things vividly Mel as I also worry about forgetting things to do with mum and I don’t want to forget anything about her. Hope you are doing ok though?
Much love to you all, I had an awful day at work! I can’t stand most of the people - I’ve always been unsociable but now it’s even worse! Couldn’t find my car keys then got in and someone (who I don’t like) was acting like a child in another area and I just wish they’d all grow up - they’re over 40 so they should have grown up by now! Oh and then the roads were jammed on my way back. Honestly if this is how the week has begun, it’s not looking good! Haha!
I have found the best thing for memories is a Memories of Mum journal, someone on here suggested it when I first joined. I write really silly things we did together in it and told Mum’s sister about it. She came up with some lovely things about Mum’s younger days and has I believe started her own book now. She has taken the loss of Mum very hard as her other sister passed away last year so she is the only one of that generation left, all her cousins have gone as well.
One of the memories of course was Mum making Elderflower Champagne as you have probably all guessed! I used her preserving pan for my brew and am pleased it turned out well. Only thing I had big enough. I couldn’t find her recipe, think it may be in one of the books my sister took. I used one from the internet Ann, from wildfood.com which looked the closest to the one I have used before. Definitely not too late to give it a go. Big plastic fizzy drink bottles seem to work well, less likely to explode as it develops its fizz.
I am sorry to hear you have idiot workmates Lucy. I know that feeling all too well and got out of all of that several years ago. Makes me so glad I am self employed. No office politics or dramas although it can be a bit lonely at times I find. No one to have a chat to as I am often working at home alone. Also always being the one taking in parcels for my neighbours, just wish they would reciprocate sometimes. And listening to their builders thumping around.
Yes good luck with the gall bladder appointment tomorrow Ann. Lucy, please care and don’t get run down. One of my friends had tonsillitis earlier this year which turned to Quinsy. She has been terribly ill and was rushed to A&E when it first reared its head.
Sorry you had a lousy day Lucy. I really struggle with office politics and the muppets that create the politics so I feel your pain. I find repeating expletives silently in my head while smiling sweetly at them is rather calming…
Like you Mel, I jumped off the office politics ship a while ago and working from home is great in many ways but can give you too much personal space to lose the plot where if you were in an office, you would have other distractions. Thanks for the elderflower champagne idea. X
I started a memories book when my dad died but didnt fill it in much as I was so busy caring for my mum. I almost feel too scared to start at the moment as it puts in writing what I have lost if that makes sense.
Truthfully, I’m really nervous about tomorrow’s op. It’s the first medical thing I have had to face without a boosting chat with my mum. My dad would say “chin up” and my mum would have said “it will pass” and reassured me everything would be fine. I miss them so much.
Hi Both,
Thanks for the messages and info about the memory book Mel, never thought of that but now it’s only me that can remember these things I may actually do that! Not surprised you’ve not got far with yours Ann, you’ve not had a minute to yourself - not that you’d change any of what you did, so maybe in a few months might be a better time for you to restart the book.
Oh tell me about office crap! I get to work from home at least one day a week but with the way I’ve been lately I do think a job at home would be better - but yes sometimes the fact of having to go into an office can help as it’s kept me busy and there’s been a lot of support. One of my team actually asked me how I was last week and how my two days had been and it made me so emotional that she actually asked. Swings and round abouts but I don’t work in the same office every day that’s the only good thing but the travelling does my head in! I’d like to start up a pet sitting service - get away from people! I love animals and I’d be exercising. Need to get other stuff sorted first then maybe once I’m more settled I’ll consider it, one step at a time!
Well, I’m sure you will get through tomorrow Ann, another first. Just think you’ll literally be wonder woman soon as there won’t be anything you won’t be able to cope with! As you’ll have been through it all and coped. I’m well impressed that my Mum made me so strong - something only 6 months ago that I thought would in no way be possible but I am still here (just - prison next if my colleagues keep on lol!!!).
Anyway let us know how tomorrow goes when you can, take care all, x
Hope all goes well at hospital tomorrow Ann. I appreciate you must feel lost having to go through an op without your parents there to reassure. With a little help from your parents if you dont mind, I will say “you will be fine. Chin up Ann!”
Sorry the week hasnt started well in the office Lucy. Manic Monday and all that, it will hopefully be much improved tomorrow. Well done Ann and Mel for taking the self employed plunge. I may join you in the pet sitting business Lucy!
I can’t tell you how lovely it was to receive your messages this morning. Jayne, you made me cry repeating back what I said my parents would say and it also gave me a huge boost. Thank you. Xx
Lucy you made me laugh which was perfect too. Xx I hope your colleagues have been saved another day so you are not currently reading this in prison I loved your wonder woman comment too. I do feel stronger and weaker at the same time which is odd.
Well, I burst out crying in front of the surgeon telling him I was convinced stress had had a part to play in my gallstones and told him about my mum and dad. He was just getting me to sign a consent form at the time so guess he wasn’t expecting that… I’ve now got a bile duct with no stent or stones in it so that’s a positive. Still some in my gallbladder but I’m continuing random diet of milk thistle and loads of apple cider vinegar to try to save my gallbladder…you never know…
Next step is trying to take it easy for a bit. I think we should all do that. We certainly all deserve it!
Oh yes, I am definitely in on taking it easy. Had the day off today as have been sleeping very badly and decided I needed to relax, lay and read a book for the whole afternoon and napped which was great.
Glad to hear it all went well today. I am sure your consultant is used to people weeping. I have in front of my doctor and dental hygienist. Both times through being over tired.
Hope everyone’s days have gone reasonably well. No mass murdering of work colleagues…
Hi,
I’m still here and not in prison just yet lol!
Glad you got on ok Ann and I’m sure the doctor will be used to people getting upset for all kinds of reasons, I just hope he was ok with it! You know what some of these docs/surgeons can be like! I know what you mean about feeling stronger but weaker - it’s really odd but I totally know what you mean! You are stronger but more vulnerable without mum and dad.
Sounds a nice day Mel! Hope you’re ok too Jayne :-).
Well the day started and finished with a barrage of snotty emails - your average communication skills where I work! Honestly I just can’t be doing with it all. Only one thing I still want to do and that’s sit in the garden in the sun! Working from home tomorrow so lunchtime - I’m out there! I never used to like sitting in the sun but it’s like I’m obsessed now! I am finally stopping after 2-3 years of stress and for me complete peace right now is sitting in the garden doing nothing!
Roll on tomorrow lunch time!!
Have good Wednesdays everyone x
Hi Ann & All,
Hope everyone’s ok? How are feeling now Ann about everything now you’re a few weeks on? Calming down a little or still in manic mode? I was for a few months just trying to keep busy but really calming down now and I suppose not as worried as I was about ‘what am I going to do with all of this time without Mum to be with’ - I’m just dealing with it now which everyone does I know.
Thanks for the poem
Well the sun is shining so after I’ve tidied up you know where I’ll be this afternoon - yep in the garden lapping up the sun!!! I’m out all day tomorrow but got a friend who’s kind of invited himself to come to mine before we go to a christening (grrr and I know he won’t leave for ages when we get back…grrrrr). I know I sound terrible but I just want to go to the event, come back, shut the door and get on! I’ve always been unsociable but I’m so much worse now and find everything like this a huge effort! He also invited himself around way too early - so I put a stop on that one lol!
Work has been grim this week loads of traffic problems and delays topped off by the grotty people! I love my little team but that’s as far as the liking goes!!!
Anyway hope you al have relaxing weekends, from the grumpy antisocial one!!!
x
Lucy, you are far from the title above you gave yourself. You are caring, funny and honest. Xx
I hope the christening was ok and your friend didn’t overstate his welcome? Also hope you have enjoyed this lovely continued weather. I expect it is helping me more than I realise at the moment as grief in the height of Winter must be even more bleak.
I’ve had a nice weekend. (Can’t believe ive actually said that!) We went to the place my mum and dad met on Saturday then today her church did a little celebration of her life service. There were balloons and cake, just how she would have loved it. I cried a lot but once again all these lovely older ladies mothered me and it certainly helped.
Everyone is asking if we are going to move into my mum’s house. We probably will but it’s early days and I want to take this next phase super slowly…it feels too strange even moving ornaments around at this stage so I’ve a long way to go.
Haven’t been here for a few days, life and work seem rather hectic at the moment. Looking forward to a quieter week next week as have only a couple of days of work to do.
I am hoping the good weather continues and I can get out and enjoy it. I am going to the big flower show at Hampton Court one of the days so you bet it will pour with rain then. I haven’t been for many years and am volunteering on one of the gardens. It will be a strange one as did that with Mum some years ago and it was great fun if tiring. Different garden and different people so will be a good experience I am hoping.
Ann, I found Mum’s friends were wonderful as well. People often ask what they can do to help after losing someone. Your Mum’s friends like mine seem almost to know instinctively that being mothered is the thing they can do for us that is most appreciated.
Hope everyone is OK, not murdered their work colleagues etc!
Glad you’re doing ok ish Ann, and there was a nice service at the church. Hope the flower show is/has gone ok Mel and you enjoyed it?
So strange Ann as you really seem to be having similar feelings to me and to be coping when you feel you shouldn’t. I am relieved for you and for me as I kept thinking why do I seem to feel ok ish surely I should be in floods of tears. I still don’t realky understand why I’m not as it makes me question the love I had for my mum and did I love her if I’m not in bits now and that is sad and hard. I know I loved her but I am not in shock I suppose as kNew it was coming. The 2yrs ildiagnosis was hell and those two years were hell. I’m starting to wish I’d done a bit more and hadn’t been so short with Mum at times and I do regret that. I’m uo and down like a yo yo at times and can just disintergrate instantly.
The christening was fine and I got rid of him swiftly! Just can’t tolerate people very well! !!!
Not yet murdered anyone at work! Feel like it as still though!!!
Decided I will have a casual pop in afternoon for my birthday this year it will be the big 40 but I don’t want a celebration but would like to share the afternoon with some friends. I want to hold it in same place we had the wake weird I know. But the lady who runs the place was so lovely and it kind of feels that Mum would still be involved as it was somewhere she gave as an option for her wake & is close to my childhood home.
I’ll private message you my other news as just don’t want to share the story behind it publically but happy for it to be talked about publically afterwards! I’m going away in a few weeks on an exciting but very heart wrenching trip.
Certainly don’t question your love for your mum Lucy. It is evident to read it in your posts. I think the reason we are coping slightly better now that our mum’s have gone than when they were so ill is simply relief they are not suffering any more and relief from the horrendous stress levels we were under.
The truth is I miss my mum terribly, and my dad, but I missed her even when she was here. For a year I said goodbye to her bit by bit. First her ability to drive to see me, then her ability to walk. Next her ability to do anything without my help, then being able to think properly until finally her ability to breath. I said goodbye to her so many times. I keep trying to tell myself how lucky I am that I had, for me, the best parents in the world. They are gone far too soon but I’m still lucky they were mine.
I heard on here a lovely phrase that we have to learn to walk with our loved ones in our heart now rather than by our side and that summed it up so nicely. My mum was a very wise lady and she reassured me that she wouldn’t leave me when she died. She said she couldn’t explain it but when her mum died, she never questioned that she was still somehow with her.
I’m dreading winter though. There is a lot going on to distract me at the moment but winter can be a bleak time and the thought of Christmas this year terrifies me…the thought of years with my in laws instead of my parents is just too upsetting.
My tears are surprising me at the moment. Sometimes just a few, other times like a tap down my face but always very brief now. My son told me my eyes were always red and cracked…he didn’t like it…which was a confidence boost! I really expected to be sobbing on the floor though now as I had done many times over the last year.
A month has already gone by in a blur since my mum died and a year since my dad. It’s sort of a lesson to enjoy every day as time goes so quickly, even in grief.
Enjoy the sunshine ladies. Guess that won’t last forever eather.
I loved your wonder woman comment too. I do feel stronger and weaker at the same time which is odd.