That is a lovely expression about walking with our loved ones in our hearts. I hadn’t heard that one before and it is so true.
I am really feeling the anniversary of losing Mum coming up now. I am having some horrible flashbacks to when Mum was ill, sometimes in odd places such as when I am On public transport. I feel glad these don’t reduce me to crying uncontrollably any more although I do find it hard not to dissolve into tears. It’s the memories of how helpless she became and the indignities suffered from the carers who came in that still upset and annoy me. Little things like not drawing the curtains when they were washing her still rankle and the obsession with her finances.
I don’t think our Mums and Dads do leave us as we are always thinking of them. I remember a work colleague telling me she thought about her Dad everyday even though he had passed away many years before. She was so right, they are always there just on the edge of your subconscious. Quite a nice feeling I think, almost as if they are watching over us.
Very hot again today and unfortunately have to work for a couple of hours. lunch in the garden later though.
Hope everyone has been able to find some enjoyment to the weekend. How are you doing Ann?
It’s really too hot to do much, but not doing much is what I still seem to need to do (much like your sitting in the garden time Lucy!)
How are you coping with the approaching anniversay Mel? I think the getting upset or going over and over the last few days of our mums while travelling is because travelling gives free brain space to think.
Right, I will get back to doing nothing again now…!
Is it the flower show this week Mel? I hope it goes well and brings back good memories rather than being upsetting. It is such a fine line between nice memories and floods of tears…I’m sorry to hear you are having flash backs. Hope they are replaced with happier memories soon from the flower show.
Anniversaries are tough as you muddle through from day to day then suddenly you realise a chunk of time has gone by without them. For me it also highlights the permenance of it all which is the hardest thing.
Glad you are relaxing Jayne. I find it hard to do. I’m so used to being busy so I’m sort of hooked on being busy, even before I was caring for my mum. Not a good thing…you are right about travelling too. Anything that gives you time to think and breaks the usual routine allows all sorts of thoughts. I used to love that mental space when travelling but now it scares me. I hope your trip Lucy gives you time to switch off from your work collegues…if you have any left
I had a very busy weekend but starting to worry I am busy being busy without thinking about what has happened with my mum. I also find that my bouts of tears that don’t last too long at the moment seem to be triggered by thinking about my dad. He would have loved getting his nobly knees out in his shorts in this weather.
Im worried about winter when things are bleak anyway but we’ve all got through what we have got through so far so I guess we will just have to keep plodding on.
Yes it is the flower show this week, very hot weather so am hoping will be a bit cooler when I go. I have brought myself a new dress to wear and earrings. I could almost hear Mum laughing when I was paying, telling me any excuse to buy something new.
The flashbacks are still not too good. I have started carrying a packet of sweets again as did find them helpful at first. Anything to make me think of something else. Soft mints are the craze at the moment with me, also quite nice in this weather. In just over three weeks the anniversary will be over and I will feel a bit better again. It is the anticipation I know. The day will pass as it did last year and as birthdays and Christmas do.
The winter I agree is very hard, long evenings etc but I have decided to take up some of my craft projects again. I used to love doing needlepoint and have a cushion cover not finished I can work on. Might also do some knitting but am not very good at that. I am looking after a friends dog whilst she goes on holiday in the autumn which means lots of walks and looking at the changing leaf colours. Once that is over may get some pets of my own, the need for a cat to cuddle is getting stronger by the week!
Christmas I am dreading as I don’t want to go away to relatives this year. I know there will be ructions if I say I would rather stay at home on my own. I may feel differently nearer the time but find the thought of all the forced gaity too exhausting to handle.
Sorry this seems to be all about me, just feeling a bit low at the moment.
You dont need to appologise about it being about you! That is what this forum is for. Taking it in turns to pull each other up again and again…and again.
New clothes, earrings and possibly pets all sound like good ideas. I’m toying with getting a cat but worried it will tie me down for holidays. Having unconditional love though is what I miss so much so a pet could help with that.
A friend told me it is normal to fall into the pits of despair, but it is making sure you get back out quickly that is key. Hopefully the flower show will help you a little bit too.
Hi All,
Hope you’re ok? Hope flower show is helping Mel? Don’t worry about posting about yourself, that’s what everyone’s here for! Hope you’re not too hot Jayne, a hot weekend to come. How are you Ann? A few weeks on now, unreal already. Hope you. An start slowing up, do you know my skin troubles are really starting to clear up and get better, a small positive in all the negatives! Anyway work’s gone a bit mad and starting to feel groggy post the last set of antibiotics so just wanted to hop on and say hi but I’ll message fully at weekend.
Xx
Checking in with everyone after a lovely day at the flower show yesterday.
My Mum was with me every step of the way, she would have loved every second of it. I brought her a plant in the floral marquee, she loved fuchsias and I got her one of her favourites which will be installed in a suitable pot very soon.
Volunteering all day was quite tough and I got extremely hot and tired. It was worth every second though. No time to be sad just chatting to lots of keen gardeners and sharing horticultural tips. I walked through the showground after it all closed and it was magical with no people there and the light going. Home to a very strong Gin and Tonic and a bath laced with Epsom salts!
I hope everyone has a good weekend, don’t get sunburnt or sunstroke. Prostrate people being stretchered away from the show yesterday were a recurring feature.
So glad you enjoyed the flower show Mel and lovely to get a fuschia for your mum. People on stretchers sounds more like after a rave than a flower show!
Hope your weekend has perked you up a bit Lucy. Antibiotics wipe you out. I had 2 lots during gallbladder-gate and they make you so tired.
I’ve been low this week. Plodding on, but low. Tried to get a few dates in the diary to have something to look forward to with friends but they all seem a bit busy…which is fair enough…but not what you need when you are already feeling low.
Sorry you are feeling low, it is such a roller coaster isn’t it. I think the extremes of temperature don’t help. I am not sure which is worse, very hot and feeling worn out by it or dreadful cold and the winter which is so depressing.
It is hard sorting out meet ups with friends, someone always cannot make the dates suggested. I often go out on my own now to the theatre and cinema. I found the latter a comfort at first after losing Mum. Sitting in the dark where no one could see me. I was probably the only person in the cinema who cried during Beauty and the Beast!
Agree about antibiotics, I don’t like taking them. Recently had an inflamed leg as something stung or bit me whilst out walking. Purple, swollen and throbbing. Went into a local chemist for help and they visibly recoiled. I was whisked next door to the walk in centre and seen within the hour by a doctor. The NHS at its best and very efficient.
Hope you and others are feeling a bit better today.
Ann, I have seen your post that you were feeling low. I guess that is very much to be expected as the shock wears off and the reality starts. Hope you have managed to catch up with your friends. How are you now?
Mel, the aniversary must be getting near for you, hope you are getting by in the build up to it.
Is work still stressing you Lucy?
Caroline, if you still read the posts, your lovely long summer holidays must be fast approaching so I do hope you get some peaceful time and that the dog showing is going well.
I am sort of getting by day to day but still feel I am in a temporary crisis as the forever bit is too much to grasp and I do not know how to lift the constant sadness. We all sound as if we trying though as best we can with outings, meeting friends etc.
Yes, you are right. Reality is starting to hit in for me and it is hard. I’ve cried quite a bit this week and as you say, it is the forever bit that really stings. Half the time you just plod on the suddenly you realise, hang on a minute, this is forever. Not just a bad day you have to battle through. They have gone.
I guess we are all doing the right thing just plodding on as best we can. Fake it until you make it? I am sure our mum’s would be proud.
Nice to mention Caroline too. I hope you are reading these posts Caroline. Would be lovely to hear from you again. Xx
I’ve been quite hormornal this week which makes everything worse. Anyone else feel like they are on a rollercoaster ride that they didn’t even buy a ticket for?
Hope you are doing ok Mel after the gardening and that you are getting excited about your holiday Lucy.
Sort of doing OK at the moment, the heat isn’t helping as like everyone else can’t sleep so lie with everything racing around in my mind.
I was on a high for a couple of days after the flower show but am very conscious of the impending anniversary now. Not sure what I will do that day, just muddle through somehow I suppose.
Plodding is an excellent way of describing it Ann. A feeling of lethargy and hoping things will get better at some stage.
Not sure if Caroline is around, it would be good to hear how she is.
Enjoy the sunshine everyone, schools break up soon if they haven’t already so the days of good weather are numbered. Sure to have thunderstorms and cold weather to ruin stay at home holidays.
HI All,
Hope you’re all bearing up as ok as you can. Seems like it’s hitting you all at the moment and the heat making things worse.
Glad the show went well Mel, but with an anniversary looming I’m sure that’ll be playing on your mind. Maybe you could go to one of your Mums favourite places or will that make it even worse for you? Difficult to know what to suggest isn’t it because we all cope in our own ways. We are all here though for chats.
Jayne, you sound like you’re struggling a bit too at the moment, I hope you’ve taken up my hobby of sitting in the garden just trying to chill.
Ann, I’m sorry to hear things are hitting you now, it’s strange that first month I was numb but so aggressive then tearful but still not as tearful as I’d have expected but when it hits it really hits! Never realised that just by looking at a photo of mum I could just burst into tears so easily. Then I realise like you say that I am never going to see her again and then I get emotional. I just feel that emptiness in my stomach and it sounds odd but it feels like there’s literally a piece of my heart missing. I don’t know whether I’m in a bit of denial and not really taking it in that I’m not going to see her again - I just don’t know it’s just odd. Hope you’ve not had anymore gall bladder problems.
Well I seem to be having an ok period at the moment but got so much to do I think I’m just so busy I’ve not got time to think. I actually want the antibiotics to sort my throat as feel better when on the - god my throat must be bad!! Picking up another prescription of very strong stuff tomorrow and will take next week before I set off on my trip and hopefully that’ll knock it on the head meaning I can have a nice time away! I can’t wait but know it will hit me emotionally on the days! Taking mum in my ring so she will be with me just not in the way I’d have wished for. I worked 6 days last week so off today and tomorrow just sorting final bits for trip. Only 6.5 work days left - thank god! It’s going ok thanks Jayne - I’ve just decided to fake it and try and ignore them as best I can. the countdown is helping!
Booked the place where I had mum’s wake for my birthday too - then Mum is still involved in a way. I don’t want to ‘celebrate’ but just gather some friends together for an informal bbq/buffet. Not inviting any of my family (other than Dad who’s been pretty good lately) as, as far as I’m done with them!!! Mind you they’re miles away but even if they weren’t I wouldn’t!
I seem to be injuring myself at the moment which isn’t what I need just before I go away - my elbow is killing me, not sure if I’ve chipped a tiny bit of bone off as can’t understand why knocking it would hurt so much. Bruised my spine yesterday too! Great fun here I tell you! This time in two weeks I’ll be up in the sky - cannot wait, get me out of here now!!
Hope you all have a better week this week and are keeping busy. Certainly a rollercoaster time, I swore at the start of this that I’d not be doing anything for my birthday but as time has gone on I’m really trying to make everything mum did for me worthwhile by trying to live my life out in the way she would have wanted by doing and seeing things. It’ll never be the same and that kills it really does. The one thing I am struggling with is remembering those final hours with mum and what I witnessed and how the hell I got through it. That really does upset me seeing her body basically pack up in front of me but I still am pleased I was with her. Now I’ve started off again!!
Anyway - keep going everyone you’re all doing amazing! xxx
Anniversaries are big build ups Mel. I hope you get through ok. I am hoping I can do something nice to distract myself during my mum and dads wedding anniversary that is coming up. Last year my mum and I toasted my dad on that day and now I’m going to have to toast them both on my own. Just plodding on through it is probably as far as I will get this year. There is that plodding word again… we are here for you though if you have a wobble Mel.
I’m glad you are keeping busy and excited about your holiday Lucy. Yes, I know what you mean about the odd things starting you off. I was looking at my husbands ipad the other day and “mum mobile” popped up. For a second I thought my mum had sent me a message…then reality hit me, again. Set me off in a mood all day.
Anyway. I’m feeling slightly more balanced so far this week. I seem to get much worse when I am hormonal so at least I can predict definite low spots. Blooming hormones.
Thankfully my gallbladder is lying low so that’s one thing to be happy about.
I agree with doing something nice for anniversaries and have made a few tentative plans for next week. Mum and I saw the first Mamma Mia film together when it came out so I am thinking of going to the second one although I may not get there on the actual anniversary date. Something cheerful with not too much to think about would be good I feel. On the date my sister has said she would like to come and see me, I am not that keen but cannot think of a way out of it without causing a row.
Mum passed away on a Sunday and I am going back to where I was brought up for the night to meet up with some friends. I don’t think they realise the significance of the weekend for me and I am not sure I will say anything. My plan is to enjoy the drinks and meet-up, spend the night at a local hotel and then head home via the churchyard where Mum and Dads’ ashes are interred. I haven’t been back since the service for Mum and am very conscious of that. I honestly don’t know if I will be able to go as I find the thought of it very painful. A decision I will make on the morning.
Whatever I do there will be gin and tonics drunk at various stages. Mum loved a G&T as do I so there will be no hardship in toasting her with one. I even have the means to make it a pink gin so even better!
Hi All,
I know that feeling Ann when you suddenly see a message like Mum mobile pop up and for a split second you lose all track of reality for a few seconds and then bang. Hope you’re doing ok but understandably up and down, still so soon for both your parents. That’s just hit me writing both, so unfair for you. But sounds like they were wonderful parents and you always sound very sweet so clearly they’ve passed it on! We are all lucky to have had such wonderful parents. So many are not so lucky but it seems so unfair when so many have terrible relationships and all fight and squabble.
You may be surprised Mel on the day and cope more than you think you will. Do what’s right for you though. Being an o my child I don’t have siblings to deal with which sometimes I think is easier - it did make me smile when you said your sister wants to see you but you’re not sure of how to get out of it! Can’t believe how difficult it is when you have siblings sometimes. My dad and his sis hardly speak now. Don’t blame him! I wouldn’t deal with her if she was my sister lol! I’m looking forward to seeing my mums friends which I’m now doing earlier than planned due to tonsils but going down south and staying a couple of nights with one of them who are lovely. I hope you can go Mel as it may be nice in the end to visit the church but I’m not in that situation so dont know exactly how you feel. But I hope you find it ok.
I am literally in the countdown for work days 4.5 left. I so need to get away. I cannot wait. Got a load of snotty emails at work yesterday and just fired them back and didn’t give a damn! It’s like working in a playground. But I really am not prepared to put up with peoples attitudes so just give it straight back in the same tone!!!
You go girl! The one positive in all this is that petty things like snotty emails just seem less significant so it is great that you are firing them back
I lost a client yesterday and I couldn’t give a damn. It’s a liberating feeling knowing what is and what is not important in life.
Yes, Mel keep us posted on your plans and I hope you get through the anniversary ok. There is so much pressure on feeling a certain way at certain times but the reality is that our emotions control us, not the other way around so we just have to roll with them unfortunately. Thank goodness for this forum though to help us vent when needed.
I’m doing a bit better this week but I sort of feel in denial suddenly. It is as if I’m busy so just haven’t had the chance to see my mum for a while… I cared for her every day for a year so it is a feeling I haven’t had for ages so maybe it is just something to protect me while my sub conscious works it out…I don’t know.
Anyway. Lucy, enjoy your packing and excitement, Mel enjoy your Gin and get together and Jayne, I hope you are enjoying the sunshine. To anyone else reading this, I hope you are doing ok too.
It’s a rubbish reason that brought us together but it is nice to have your support.
In my own countdown now, four days until the anniversary. Feels horrible to be so grumpy about my sister but we do have a shaky relationship now unfortunately. I have written about her on other threads so won’t repeat the sorry story again! It does sadden me as after the usual sibling nonsense when we were growing up we seemed to ave settled down and become better friends. There were obviously some underlying issues I was unaware of which have resurfaced since losing Mum.
I am feeling quite excited about seeing my friends, some of which I haven’t seen for two years when Mum had just passed away. They were witness to a massive meltdown and tsunamis of tears then so can show I am not a complete wet blanket I hope. They are old school friends so have known me a very long time.
I had some good news today as met my next door neighbour in the street. She is not very pleasant and told me her and her husband and children are moving the first week of September. They are very unfriendly and there have been a few passive aggressive comments made about me when they are in the garden. Loudly with the intention of me overhearing. It has not been helpful on the days I have felt miserable but at least I know is coming to an end. Hopefully will get someone more amenable, I was very lucky in my neighbours at Mum’s house. Lovely people who were very kind to me and threw a good luck party for me when I left. I was told they argued over who would be allowed to be host! Don’t expect that again as it takes many years to build up that sort of relationship, just someone nice and quiet who doesn’t shout the odds in the garden and scream at their children.
Lucy, lucky you going off on hols so soon, keep firing those emails back. I agree so much about having wonderful parents. You just don’t fully appreciate how wonderful until they are gone. We write about our Mums but oh how I miss my Dad sometimes, he was so much fun and so generous in spirit.
xxx