Where do I begin? The short version is that 12 years ago my mum was diagnosed with cancer, she was strong, courageous and selfless, never once said ‘why me?’ February 2020 we were given the devastating news that there were no more treatment options and that it was now ‘quality of life’ over cure. We were not given a prognosis, nor did mum want to know when she might die. We absorbed the news but then COVID arrived and lockdown meant our last months with mum were interrupted. We did our best and had some good times. Her health deteriorated fairly quickly and before we knew it there was a huge palliative care team around her providing hospice at home care. There was always someone coming in and out of the house and my wonderful dad cared for mum in such a loving way. We finally lost mum on Christmas Day 2020 after a very intense week of watching her die. She was peaceful and not in any pain as far as we know. We had some beautiful moments and said our goodbyes. Her funeral was on 14th January in the deep snow of Derbyshire! Since then it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster ride with the ups and downs of grief, but I’m currently feeling all consumed by it and struggling to cope with daily life. I find it hard to engage in normal activities and struggle to get through the day. I feel like I’m wading through treacle uphill! My mum would absolutely hate to see me like this and I just hope that over time I will start to be able to carry my grief alongside me hand in hand instead of it dominating my every waking breath. It is her birthday this Sunday and we bury her ashes next Monday. Maybe this will provide some closure…
Hi Joanne, I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum, nothing prepares you for when your Mum goes, she is the one person who has been with you since before you were born, the hole it leaves is indescribable, it is still early days, hopefully after the anniversary of her birthday you will get some closure, grief is something we have to live with, it will eventually get easier, you will never stop missing her, but hopefully you will start remembering the good times you had together, sending love Jude xx
Hi Joanie, I’m really sorry for your loss. You will get there, have faith <3
Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer your heartfelt support and advice, I’m so grateful to you all. I feel less alone and crazy and know that I now have a safe place to come and chat.
I coincidentally stubbled across Esther Rantzens recent documentary on living with grief on My 5 and watched it this week. I can highly recommend it and it has really helped me too.
Lots of love and comfort to you all wherever you are in your journeys x