When i was growing up mum made sure i knew exactly how she hated me and made sure everyone else hated me aswell i grew up with beatings hunger no clothes that fit me shoes were hand me downs she threw a fit when i made a life long freind i know she hated me she always told me i was worse than s%×t on her shoes she tryed to kill herself when i was four we wentinto a grouphome i was on my own because i was the youngest girl there best 8 weeks of my childhood fed everydsy and got pocketmoney to that stopped when we got home i had to report my stepdad for beating me social services came she toldc them to take me i wasnt wanted or needed but come dishes time it was always my turn the beatings i got for talking back to anyone in my family were severe i have scares my talking therapist said i have childhood ptsd she died novand i havent had a thought that wasnt muddledup i forget things i shouldnt feel this way i am so confused she told me she hated me but my whole body feels lost without her and i hate that i am depressed about her being gone what can i do i am at a loss
Hello @Gillyh,
I am sorry for the abuse that you have endured. It is very brave of you to share this with the community. I am glad you are getting therapy. You may also wish to contact The National Association for People Abused in Childhood, who also have lots of help and support on their website, including a helpline that you can call.
Please be gentle with yourself; it is completely understandable that you have conflicted feelings about your mum’s death. You might want to reach out to @Lis, who recently shared this thread:
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support too - you are not alone.
Take care,
Seaneen
Dear Gilly,
Just read your post . I really don’t know what to say except you have survived so much trauma and you will get through losing your mum too.
Grief causes up to go through every emotion you can possibly think of. This is what is happening to you now and you need time to work through it all.
I am so glad you have reached out to this site because it’s truly wonderful. Here you will find such supportive kind people who will reply with such lovely caring words, love and support.
Hold your head up high because you have endured so much and come through it. You have your own life now and so make yourself proud of everything you do in life. You come first now. No one else.
Your past does not define you. Your mum had the problems not you. You have been very brave to write about it all. I hope you will continue posting and let us know how you get on
Sending love
Deborah x
I dont know how i am the way i am i want to be freinds with everyone but i cant because of my pognophobia and i hate myself for it what that man did scared me for life and mom blamed me because I am a girl like i asked for this life no i am here an i will nake the most of this what i dont understand is some words i know just dissappear from my mind and come back when i dont need them why does my brain feel like its been fried
Hi,
I just wanted to reach out to you.
I’m so sorry to hear of the trauma you were subjected to as a child.
Grief is so confusing and complicated - there is no right or wrong way to grieve and it opens up old wounds and past trauma and often leaves us with more questions than answers.
It is consuming and emotionally and physically exhausting.
Please look after yourself - eat a little and make sure you rest as much as you can as well.
Keep talking to us too - we here to help and support.
Lovely words of advice Leonieg
I feel.like someones friedy brain am angry sad hurt ashamed i should have had more help when younger but what doesnt kill you makes you stronger
Hi Gillyh,
I know you feel like you do but please don’t. You were a child.
On top of the grief you are now having the trauma of all the horrible memories as well. So to cope with it all is really hard.
Try to put your own wellbeing first now. Just small steps. Eat and rest for now. Then gradually set yourself small targets for each day.
You have overcome so much and life has only got to get better for you. It will but will take a while but you will get through this.
Do you have family and friends to support you.
Deborah
I really only have three people. Who would open there door i knocked crying unable to articulate what the problem was i feel so useless i was 55 when i got a dignosed with dyslexia dyscalcula and dyspraxia why didnt anyone else realise i had issues learning i dont know what to do for the best i am going to be 60 in October
I dont think i look my age