Hello All, (sorry, long story)
I lost my mum 4th Feb 25, 6 weeks 4 days after diagnosis of bladder cancer. We were told she could live 3-4 years, I didn’t believe this but hoped for a year.
For 20 years we had a good relationship, we spoke almost daily over video chat. I didn’t visit often, due to the distance and past trauma there. I loved my mum dearly and I’m hurting so much. But…
I feel so guilty. Growing up, my older sister an I, we were often physically abused with stick and other implements, sometimes just because it made her laugh. My father was also physically abusive. Mum would tell him to use an implement and hand him one, so that he didn’t hurt his hands! I was bullied terribly at school for having second hand clothes, mum was seen in queues for jumble sales. I was also brought up in a strict religion, another reason for bullying. The bullying was often physical at school. The school suggested I see a psychiatrist. I heard the psychiatrist tell my parents that there was nothing wrong with me. However, from that time on, when in a rage, she would scream that I was mental.
My mother told me and made it clear, I was a mistake, she wanted a boy. She went on to have 3 boys. She told me she wish she’d drowned me at birth.
At the age of 15, I went through and attempted rape by a man in a position of authority. I was so ashamed and felt I was to blame. I was afraid of telling my parents. My school grades went down and I was struggling to cope. When I finally told a teacher, they called my parents, telling them. My dad was so angry! My mother said “You probably led him on!”, How could I as my clothes were closely monitored by my parents and I was so naïve, I wouldn’t have known how. My father died less than 12 months later from a sudden asthma attack. I blamed myself for the stress I caused. At 17, I was sexually assaulted by a stranger in the middle of a market place.
From then I, I thought it was my fault, I must be doing something wrong, I was attracting the wrong kind of attention. I then developed binge eating disorder, becoming morbidly obese.
I married, have a wonderful husband and 3 wonderful children. However, I find it hard to believe they love me, because I still worry that I am unlovable and worthless. The insults from my mother didn’t stop. I then became morbidly obese.
When my other siblings had less and less time for my mother, I was the only one who would have time for her. So we developed a really good relationship over the past 20 years. We could talk about anything.
I’ve been on a weight loss journey, the past 2 years losing 5st, I still have more to lose. I want closure but fear has held me back on my journey due to the fear I would be attacked again. I’m determined I will break through the barrier.
A few days after diagnosis, she told me we had to go on with our lives, she also apologised for being a bad mother.
On one of the last visits I had at the hospital with mum, she said to me “Lis, I like your hair and you look really good, you look really good, keep going, you’re doing so well!”
Over the past 9 days, I have felt the most unbearable pain, hurt, anger and so lost! I thought I had let go of the past, the way we were brought up, the abuse!
I journal my feelings, it’s only journaling that has made me realise, I hadn’t really let go. I hadn’t forgiven her or forgotten the torture we were put through. I can’t wear second hand clothes because it’s a trigger, yet these days it’s called vintage! (I’m often offered them due to weight loss)
I loved my mum and I’m hurting so bad, I want her back so much. Now I feel so guilty that I have held on to the pain and hurt she has caused me over the years. I have no idea how to move forward. I can’t even tell her it’s okay, I love her anyway. I don’t know where to turn!
Can anyone offer advice who understands please?
