Mum just died and I have so many regrets

My mum died of breast cancer stage 4 terminal illness last week.

She was told she only had 6 months to live in July last year. I wasn’t there for her since she was diagnosed until she passed away (covid and I live on the other side of the world). However I paid most of her medical bills and caregivers (healthcare not free)

I came from a dysfunctional family so I was not in good terms with my dad and siblings. It was toxic, my relationship with my mom was not good as well as she treated me like an investment for her future.

Due to this long feud, I blocked my mom 2 months before her last day. I never got a chance to say a proper goodbye and it is killing me inside.

When she was still alive, I thought of her as a burden because I spent all my savings for her and I’m still in debt today. My siblings and dad have no jobs so they couldn’t help my mom but they stayed with her at the hospital until she was moved to palliative care at the house. I worked many overtime hours and no rest days to be able to afford my mom’s bills. I started to bring up with my siblings to spend the monies I sent carefully and it didn’t go well.

Instead they spent my money for unnecessary renovation of the house and furniture. They drained me emotionally and financially because in their minds, it was my obligation to provide and for them being with my mum outweighed my financial support. My dad was in denial and began having arguments with doctors. As the palliative was recommended by doctors it was inoperable, I followed their advice. My siblings and dad disowned me, cursed me and told me I gave up mom, and they said if something happen to her it was all my fault. I blocked them all on social media so they couldn’t verbally abuse me, and lately I blocked my mum as I felt she sided with them.

I had so many thoughts back then that I wished the sooner she’s gone the better so I didn’t have to pay for her medical bills. I feel so guilty right now. Our last communication was full of resentment. I feel like our issues were not resolved. They said her last wish on death bed was for us to be united but I did not respond to any of their pleas. I felt back then I wasn’t ready to speak with them.

Now my mom is gone, I felt like I let her down and I had so many things I should’ve done if I go back in time.

Of course I paid all expenses for her funeral because my siblings/dad can’t or won’t spend a penny as usual. Right now, they’re fighting over my mom’s house and benefits - this is the reason why I do not want to get involved with any of them forever. I never felt like I was treated like a family and they only contact me to ask for money (not even asking how I was doing)

Because I wasn’t there for my mom, I am obsessing with end of life articles/videos as I wanted to know if she died peacefully. I am worried she did not have peace before she died. She was scared and had so many plans for her retirement. She was hoping for a miracle to be cured. She was only 59 didn’t even had a chance to retire from work.

I feel really devastated, and full of regrets. I feel like a bad daughter to her. I let my anger over the other family members got the best of me and I forgot what I should have been doing for her. I haven’t given her enough spiritual and emotional support. I don’t know what to do. I will only feel better to know (which I would never know) if she was at peace and she has done all the things she wanted to do in her short life, and if she forgave me for what I have done.


Hello the feelings following a parent’s passing are many and varied but mine are mainly guilt and an inability to make sense of the last nine months. I am 56 and my mom and I didn’t really get on. I am an only child but she seemed to order me and my dad around constantly and I resented her a lot if I am honest. Now she is gone I often wonder Did I get it wrong? Was my perception of events just one sided? And so on and so on. As clarity starts to appear one thing I have realised is your mom would want you to live a happy life as best you can. A mom loves unconditionally and nothing will change that. I don’t know if you have children -i have two daughters and we have had terrible rows in the past and they have been spiteful and hurt me - but - my love has not and will not grow less. I chose not to be with my mom when she died I just couldn’t bear for the last time I saw her to be when she was longer alive.but I feel no guilt. Mom’s will protect fiercely from what will hurt their child and your mom would want to protect you from your family’s actions. Please don’t be guilty - there is no right or wrong way to deal with a mom’s death - just your own. Please take care.