Mum passing away

Hi my mum who was 96 passed away on sunday 12 april she had various ailment but managed to catch corona virus and slowly got worse in hospital my dad passed away when I was only 12 and mums been there for me for last 44 years the funeral was last friday I was getting slowly used to life without my dear mum but got her death certificate today and it said her heart stopped and all I can think of is she was in pain at end and has made me so upset again please god she wasnt hurting when she passed away

Hi. Micky. Welcome. I very much doubt if your dear mum was hurting at the end. Pain relief has advanced so much in recent years. If you allow your imagination and your feelings of guilt to take over it will make it so much more difficult. The pain you can’t avoid, but feelings of guilt and remorse can surely cause emotional problems. To lose you mum to the virus just adds to the pain because it all seems so unfair. To live to 96 then go down with that is heart breaking. You have come here for help, and although it’s difficult to ease your pain so soon you will find many on here who have and are suffering as you are. Some little comfort may be derived from that. This grief is a process we go through, and it’s natures way of relieving stress if we accept it and go with it. Emotions must be allowed to come. If we resist and go into denial we accentuate the pain. This is a life trauma for you as it is for all of us. Anxiety may well follow and, once again, acceptance is the answer. Acceptance is not easy, and at your stage of grief may be impossible. But as time passes you can learn to accept.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and others who mourn.
Blessings. John.

Hi and welcome to the Sue Ryder site, we are all here for you and feel the pain in your post. It’s hard getting use to not having that person there for you but she will know your pain and wishing you to stay strong. From my own experience and what I have gathered over the past weeks, I feel confident in saying that I really don’t think your mum would have had any pain at all. You said that her heart just stopped, to me it says it was her time and no amount of intervention would have helped. The medical staff dealing with things know how to make their patients comfortable and allow nature to take its course but pain free. Remember her as she was, happy, smiling and telling you what to do. Life is not easy at the moment but things will improve and all those lovely memories will always be there and I bet it won’t be long before you are saying things she would have said and you can smile and acknowledge that she still lives on, no matter what. Take very good care of yourself self at this point in your life. Blessings and remember we are all here for you. S

Thank you so much for you kind messages of support I mainly get upset at night and when I visit her home cos whenever I look see her photos and think this is a nightmare and will wake up soon next tuesday 19th may is her birthday and nearer it gets the harder it’s becoming have had to plead with cemetery to allow me and me family to visit and take cards etc as I said shes always been here for all of us and wish so much had treated her better and not took her for granted I know times a healer but at present it’s so hard once again thank you so much for replying micky

Hi Micky64,
I hope that it gives you some ease when I tell you that the same thing happened to my husband in August 2019, we had been married for 59 years and I found him dead on our bedroom floor. He hadn’t been well but I never expected him to die.
He had to have a post mortum , I took his death certificate to our GP and asked him to explain it to me, Stan had a gum infection which went to his heart, the doctor told me if Stan had been in hospital, surrounded by doctors they could not have saved him. My GP said that Stan would not have felt a thing, this relieved me greatly, my first fear was, had he suffered?
Stay safe,

Hello mary thank you for your kind reply so sorry to hear about your husband firstly I hope you had a wonderful life together my dad died in 1976 of a blood clot to brain and never got to say goodbye to him or go to funeral as I was only 12 my mum has always been my rock for last 44 years and its so hard to imagine rest of my life without her though I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who are there for me as I am for them since mum died I was told that not only she died of covid and other issues but had heart failure which I xant get of my mind she must have had pains in her chest from I just cant imagine how she wouldn’t though I’m not a doctor one thing I am happy about is in her later years she was in and out of hospital ever week in so much pain and now shes at rest with no pains wont ever forget her as she will still be my rock in my heart it’s her birthday on 19th of may (next tuesday ) and obviously gonna go see her at cemetery but gonna be so hard
Thank you again for your kind words
And best wishes

Hello again, just a quick thought about her birthday, get something planned that will be a happy time for all the family. It’s something you need to plan together and doing that will help to get you through the day. Your feelings of guilt are very normal, it’s because we can’t say thanks to our loved one because they are not here. Please don’t let those feelings cloud your love for your mum or distort your memories. Enjoy the 19th and try to be happy that she is somewhere nice. S

Will do thank you again for your messages of support

You are very welcome, Micky64 Stan and I had a lovely life together, thank you.
In my opinion grief is the hardest pain to bear.
Stay safe.