My life totally shattered on the 4th May 2023.
I was baking cakes with my mum for my son’s school fate on the morning of that day and everything seemed fine. We were laughing and joking and messing about as usual.
I left her to pick up my son and go home, we said our usual goodbye, everything was just as it always was.
My mum sent her usual goodnight text as she did every night. we were very close, myself and her grandchildren were all she had. She had bought me up on her own with no siblings so it was always us against the world.
It was a normal night until I got a phone call from her at 9:30 pm saying she couldn’t breathe. I asked my partner to call her back as myself and my son quickly drove over to her house to see what was wrong.
I got to her house, went straight upstairs and found her unresponsive on her bed, my son called an ambulance and I done checks to see if she was breathing ( I’m a medic so knew what to do). She wasn’t breathing so I got her on the floor and started cpr to try and restart her heart but it wasn’t working. The ambulance arrived and tried everything they could for an hour to get her back but everything failed and she was pronounced dead at 22:54. I just went on to autopilot as the police arrived and then the coroner to collect her body. A postmortem revealed she had a massive pulmonary embolism and couldn’t be saved no matter what anybody done. Even though I’ve been told this numerous times, I can’t get it into my head. I’ve saved numerous people at work that I don’t know but I couldn’t save the one person that meant everything to me.
I’m struggling so much, I can’t see my way through. The flashbacks, the nightmares, sirens etc keep sending me back to the scene constantly. The gp just keeps giving me pills that don’t help. The waiting list for counselling is huge, even though I’ve been diagnosed with ptsd.
I’m in a hole and every time I try to get out I fall deeper.
hello mkmedic, i’m so sorry for your loss. i think you may be experiencing the crushing weight of ‘what if’ which often feels like struggling for air drowning in unrelenting torrent of waves. your mind may be adjusting and letting you know there’s no going back but your emotions are forcing you to take residence in the past. guilt is often the way to cope with the intense pain of our loss. i hope sharing your story here will give you some peace of mind. my heart goes out to you.
Hello @MKMedic78. I am so sorry for your loss.
Regrettably, I share much the same very sad and shocking experience as you.
My mum was fit and well and we had had a week with them in October up at their holiday home. I’d been to a lovely show with my mum, Sunday dinner, walk on the beach - absolutely no indication of anything. Sadly, the day we left to go home, my dad text to say their dog had taken poorly and had had to be put down that day. We were so sad for them and apart from texting, much much much to my regret, I never spoke to my mum again (I wanted to give them some space). I sent them flowers and texted and spoke to my dad but not my mum. My mum texted me on the following Tuesday night to ask how my husband’s new job had gone and I replied and asked how they were, my very last text from my mum was a reply that night, saying were are both fine thanks x.
Arrived at work the next morning and 10 mins later, had a call from my dad to tell me that my mum had passed away half an hour earlier. I just absolutely fell apart (screaming and sobbing on the office floor). The sheer shock and sadness felt that it would be enough to literally be too much to get over.
I relive that call so many times a day (and night). The doctor mentioned ptsd to me last week also, so I really do feel for you because I’m going through the same.
The autopsy revealed a pulmonary embolism from a DVT. My dad and me have spent countless hours, trying to recall any clues that we might have missed.
It’s just so so sad. I am learning how to live with this but I am a changed person.
So sorry that you have gone through this terrible shock and sadness also. X
I’m so sorry for your loss. Our mums died of the same cause. I too am wrecking my brain to see if there were any clues I missed.
Some days I just can’t see through the fog.
It helps there are people out there that knows how I’m feeling. X
Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel, I’m thankful someone finally understands. X
I wouldn’t have coped in the first weeks without this site and people who genuinely understand.
Even though it’s been nearly 3 months, I look at photos of my mum (mainly the one I took at the show the week before) and just can not believe it.
Just accepting the suddenness and the finality, is just so much to reason with. I find it has affected how I feel about all of my loved ones (and myself), a realisation that it can be anyone at any time. It’s all very challenging to comprehend and death, grief and potential for further grief is at the forefront of my mind. It has made me realise how carefree life was for me before this.
I wish us both strength and a way forward and the ability to smile again x
Maybe fate and our mums have bought us here to help each other out. X
That is exactly what we can all do for each other. Not always words of wisdom needed, more often than not, I’ve found just knowing there is someone listening - who really gets it, is such a comfort x
@MKMedic78 so sorry for your loss. This is the exact same way my dad died. 3 weeks ago today. No warning. He collapsed and they worked for an hour. I think he had already slipped way as soon as he fell. My mum died 9 weeks before (Nov 23); I think he saw her and ran to her.
That call from my brother was unbelievable. I could here the paramedics in the background. I jumped in the car and when 30 mins passed and they were still working I knew he was gone. My brother called to ask if they could stop working at 13:00. I just stared at my phone in disbelief. He was fit and heathly for an 81 year old, no illness or medication. I can’t get it out of my head that I missed something. I spoke to him the day before and he had been at the doctors. 16 hours later he was dead. I’m still in shock.
I think of him all the time. Complete obsession.
I didn’t even know PE was so common.
Hi @RobBeat08. I am so sorry that you have gone through this shocking experience too.
It is just so hard isn’t it - just no warning, no time to say goodbyes or anything.
So hard to picture them going about their normal life and then just be gone within seconds or minutes.
It is a very difficult grief I think to come to terms with.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and send you my best wishes.
@RachelM Thank you so much, it means a lot to be seen.
So for your loss, sending a virtual hug and strength 
The night before dad promised me he wouldn’t die. To be taken away in a shockingly quick way was hard. I’m trying to focus on his legacy, the love we had, and it was a privilege to have him until my 40’s. Not everyone is so lucky.
The angels have them now. I hope they know how lucky they are. Just I wasn’t there for his last breath. I was with mum. Hard to watch but I was holding her hand.
Sending lots of love.
@RobBeat08 - it is so hard to get your head around when it is sudden and unexpected.
You don’t have that feeling of relief that they are not in pain any more, or thankful that you got to say all the things you wanted to say in their final days or weeks.
It is such a struggle to just so suddenly not be able to pick up the phone and ring or text.
As you put so nicely - they must have been very special and very needed. My mum and dads dog passed unexpectedly also, just 5 days before my mum. I like to think that she needed my mums lap.
It is hard isn’t it not to have said goodbye but you are right, it is a privilege to get to a certain age with our parents in our life.
Bless them.
Sending a virtual hug back.
Lots of love and take care.