Hi all.
My 85 year old Mum died at home on 7th July. Hospice at Home nurses had been helping the last week, but Mum died more quickly than anyone expected (bronchiectasis).
I lived with Mum for 5 and a half years and looked after her every day, doing most things for her and now I feel totally lost without her. We became very close during those years and would do many things together. Every little thing is triggering me and I’m bursting into tears.
I feel sick and as if my heart has been ripped out.
Also, I keep going over things I said to Mum a couple of days before she died. I was so snappy and impatient at times, but it was because I was exhausted, having looked after her on my own 24/7 for a month. I also had back pain from lifting her.
I just hate myself for snapping and am scared she died thinking I didn’t love her 
I can’t stop these thoughts and I am finding it all so difficult to cope with. My siblings all have their own families and we aren’t close. I lived with Mum and now every day has changed.
I resigned from my teaching job a few months ago so I could care for Mum full time, so now I have no job and no Mum.
I am all alone and struggling so much
Hi @Feeling_lost, welcome to the Community. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if things are really tough right now so I’m glad you have reached out to our community. Everyone here knows the pain of grief and many will have been through something very similar to you.
It’s important to take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. I think you could benefit from registering with our recently-launched Grief Self-Help Service especially in these early days when things are so raw. It has some really useful information to help you cope with what you are going through right now.
Another good place to get support is Cruse Bereavement. They offer a helpline, email support, counselling and support groups through their local services. Contact them on 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk or via their website
Please remember Samaritans are always available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.
I do hope you find our community a good source of help and support. Keep reaching out and please know that we’re here for you.
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team
@Feeling_lost sending my love, it’s so hard isn’t it. Inlost my precious Mam 7weeks ago, I was her full time carer for the last 3 years so I’m so feeling like you absolutely lost.
I just sit at home everyday apart from taking my dog for a walk. I don’t know what to do without her, she was my life & my best friend.
I find it does help chatting on here as you do think your the only one going through it but as you read on here we’re not.
Grief is terrible it truly rips your heart out 
but it’s the price we have to pay for loving someone so deeply isn’t it 
You can private message me if you ever needed to, I understand what your goin through
Hi @Jane36, our Grief Self-help Service is a new site that has been designed to help you cope with grief through expert information, specialised advice and self-help tools, like journaling. You can find it here: https://selfhelp.sueryder.org - I hope it’s helpful.
Take care,
Seaneen
Hi
Please don’t beat yourself up. You did your best in very difficult circumstances & I am sure your mum knew & appreciated that. We all say & do things that we wished we hadn’t when we are under stress. When my lovely mother-in-law died my sister-in-law felt like you, however we all loved her dearly & I believe in time you will know you will know you did all you could. Loss is such a heavy weight to bear, I feel so sorry for you knowing how much it hurts & nothing anyone can say or do will take away the pain.
Please take care of yourself
Dee
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I feel so alone and don’t think I’ve ever felt pain like this. Dad died when I was 15 and I thought that was painful. Mum’s death is destroying me
Your mum loved you very much and it’s clear you looked after her as best you could