Mum suffered in pain immensely before she died 3 years ago

Every single day is absolutely awful. My poor mum suffered so much and fought so hard and i still feel angry that after all she went through she had to suffer so much pain and i wasnt able to do anything to help her.

My mum passed away in January 2020 in hospital in a palliative care ward. At the time she was 59 years old. She had suffered from numerous medical conditions as a result of having type 1 diabetes from being a child. She was an amputee and had had to have one of her legs amputated due to sepsis. She had chronic kidney disease, heart failure, and was reliant on a bipap machine for her breathing. Watching and seeing her suffer that way was the most horrendous and painful thing ever.

I often struggle to remember the good times with her because all i can actually think about is how she suffered so much pain.

My son was extremely close to her and was only 7 years old when she passed away. My dad and my son as well as my nanna (her mother) who is now 87 years old are all absolutely lost without her. Our world is just continuing but seems without much purpose.

As a mother myself i do my best to remain positive for my son but deep down im totally broken and all i can think about is being back with my mum.

I dont know when this is supposed to get any easier :sob:

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Dear Mel6

I’m so sorry to read about how your lovely Mum suffered before she died. Your description is heartbreaking to read and I feel your pain through your words. Her suffering was so great, it’s no wonder you’re struggling to remember the good times with her, but one day soon, you will find all your painful memories fading away, and being replaced by happy memories. For there to be grief, there must first be love, and the deeper the grief, the deeper the love you feel for your Mum. It’s because you love your Mum that you are suffering so much since you lost her. Do your best to remember the good times. By and by these happy memories will replace the sad ones and you will start to heal. Thinking of you and sending love. xxx


Thank you so muchfor your reply. In reality i do remember the good times but the last 5 years at least of her life were taken over by constant and continuous waiting for thw next ambulance to arrive. She never seemed to get a break. One time she even ended up being admitted to hospital whilst we were on our family holiday. She was extremely depressed and often said she had no reason to carry on. I told her thar we needed her. Meaning my dad, my son, my nanna (her mother) and myself of course. She would just cry and say she had had enough and that she was no good for any of us anymore. I struggle to remember anything good. Other than how she was with my son when he was little

Hi again Mel6

Thank you for your response. I know a little of how you’re feeling. The last five years of my mother’s life were just a list of hospital visits, ambulance trips to hospital and being totally let down by the GP practice. And in the last year of her life they wouldn’t even accept that she was dying so we had to fight for everything for her. I’m so sorry for your Mum, you and all of your family. It’s so cruel having to watch someone you love suffering and knowing you can’t do anything to ease their pain. The family suffers so much as well. The sharp memories you have now of your Mum’s suffering will start to fade a little as you go forward and they will be replaced by happier ones. It’s a very good start that you can remember how your Mum was with your son when he was little - try to build on those memories and focus on them. I try consciously to block out the sad memories of my Mum and it does help. Perhaps you could try that as well. But grief is grief and we have to go through it to heal. You are not alone here. We’re all in the same boat. Keep being brave, this too shall pass. Love and hugs. x

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