Mum was diagnosed in February. The cancer was so aggressive. We nursed her to the end in lockdown.she died in May. We had no support with her care apart from the gp prescribing oramorph. I feel bitter. I feel lost. Trying to support dad who is still shielding. Trying to cope with demands being a teacher and a parent. My marriage has been a shambles for years - one affair or porn frenzy after another from my partner. He rarely comes to bed. No intimacy in 11 months. He told me just before mum died that because we work together he cannot divorce me until he finds another job. I throw all my efforts into the house - cleaning, decorating. He has no pride in the house or garden and just doesnt want to be here except for the kids. I have discovered exercise and make sure I work out for an hour every day - this helps my mind. I just feel so broken and lost. Mum was my best friend. I am becoming more withdrawn.

Hi Dee, it is so sad to hear that your mum has died, and how you failed to receive the support that everyone deserves. You have so many demanding roles - daughter, parent, teacher - and to have to do all these alone because your husband has decided to act the way he has must be so demoralising, so no wonder you feel lost and bitter, who wouldn’t? My mum and dad have always been my best friends, and losing dad has been so difficult, so I know how you are feeling, especially as you need a best friend more than ever now.

Have you considered counselling? Whether it be bereavement counselling, or just general counselling to help you cope with the broken relationship, maybe you could benefit? In the meantime, please continue to post here and look for friends, because you will find many here.

Thanks. I think I will take up my free work counselling service. I still go to message her. My dreams are vivid and my sleep patterns are terrible. I dont feel like I’m fulfilling any role properly. Feeling worthless. I feel heartbroken as husband clearly doesnt want to change or support me. But I dont feel strong enough to cope with those decisions or the toxic relationship right now.

Yes, a toxic relationship is the last thing you need at the moment, so I am so sorry you’re going through all that.

A few years ago there was a documentary on the BBC about sleep, I linked to it in another post, in that documentary they discussed the emerging research area that links our mental health to the health of our gut, and the presenter took prebiotics for a week, and it helped improve his sleep. I care a lot about healthy eating, and I take both prebiotics and probiotics, and I generally manage to sleep ok. I really hope you’re able to find something that works for you, because a good night’s sleep is so essential to our wellbeing and with all that is going on in your life, it cannot be helping you that you’re unable to sleep properly.

hi deedeewills
very sorry for the loss of your mum.and that your husband is insensitive and as
made your like unbearable for a while.
your dealing with the loss of a very important family member,the one who loves and nurtures us more than anyone.and to have a partner that doesnt care or what to help or comfort you is going make your life even worse than it is.
wish you had the inner strength and other family members or friends who could
help you,and maybe support you.
as a man im thinking your partner needs kicking to touch,but im going assume from how your wording your post that you love him still and wish he could change his ways.
sadly the remarks you made about is behaviour and attitude hes looking out for number one,and is self absorbed man.
i hope ive not offended you ,i wish i knew a way to make your partner change his ways and become the kind of caring loving partner you need and deserve.
you mention your dad to,see he will no doubt be in pieces as well losing the love of his life.
are you close to your father,could you both help each other,could you take the bull by the horns and do whats best for you and your children.
sorry my mind is finding it hard to know what to say as i dont want seem like im making
this into a simple case of get away from your partner,as your head is full of love for your mum and how you are missing her.
i hope a few ladies whove been in your situation and lost their mums and had not so considerate partners could tell you what they did and if it actually help them.
sorry im of no real help.just wanted show their are members who do care and are reading your posts.please keep posting and hopefully you will be inspired or find the inner strength to cope or do whats best for you and your children.
again sorry if ive caused any offence with my words,

1 Like

Thanks - no offence taken. I have had 9 years of this with the partner and I need to accept he wont change or get out. I feel I cannot put on dad - trying to be strong as he has lost mum. I ant have him worrying about me. I’m a private person and feel I cant confide about my marriage to friends either. Just putting on the face and performing for 8 weeks while feeling completely lost and unwanted has been hard. Every time we speak we argue, he has refused counselling, help from gp in the last for his issues. I suppose I just felt the need to vent. He is all I have ever wanted but I have never been good enough for him. Inappropriate relationships he forms regularly either online or in person have eroded me.

your welcome,
you are a very strong lady,stronger than you may ever think.being so thoughtful about upsetting your dad.but remember your dad loves you,your his child ,and i know hes grieving the loss of is beloved wife,but he would nt want his daughter to be having to deal with the crap your facing every day.sorry im sticking my nose in ,and im far from being qualified to do so.but please consider your childrens and your well being,as losing your mum is hard for you and your children,and though your dad is suffering ,he would feel worse knowing you are being treated so bad,wish i could sure many of our members would feel the same after reading your post.sorry again for my opinionated opinions and i hope what ever you decided to do you cope and things work out for you.
again sorry for sticking my nose in .