My mum had kidney disease and was admitted to hospital in March because of this. On the day of lockdown 23rd March i started an intensive course of radiotherapy due to being diagnosed with cancer so i was unable to go visit my Mum. I was finally given permission to visit my Mum twice before she died - once the week before & once the day before, but i now feel so guilty & annoyed that i wasn’t able to see her more often because if covid & because of my cancer - i just keep crying all the time as i am at present so sorry if there are any spelling mistakes or this message is too long or doesn’t make sense.

Hi. Michelle. Welcome. Your post makes a lot of sense, and it’s not too long at all. No posts are too long when in grief. This site is all about unloading, because everyone here knows and understands. I am so sorry about your mum and your own health problems. Coping with grief is bad enough without added burdens. Crying is OK. Never be afraid of your emotions. We are human and emotions are all part of being human.
Covid has caused such a disruption to all our lives, and being unable to visit a sick relative is so painful, especially at the end. Please try not to feel guilty. Nothing is your fault. It’s life and it happens. What could you have done anyway? We do what we think right at the time.
Please come back and talk to us. You are among friends on here. We have all been through this ordeal and know only too well the pain.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. John.

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Hi Michelle,
I have just joined this community, and seeing you had posted just a few minutes ago was inspired to reach out as a newbie here. My Dad passed away a month ago, he also had kidney disease, although he died of pneumonia. I cry all the time too. I am so sorry for the extra difficulties you have had with your own health needs. I feel terribly guilty too, and angry, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I just wish I could have helped more, (I really mean stopped him from dying). The new rules meant I could visit Dad once the Doctors had deemed he had less than 24 hours to live, he lived a further four days and it was excruciating to witness. I have no words of comfort but I do know some of your pain. Thank you for sharing, it has made me braver and helped me to reach out.

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Hi. CathyG. It’s good to have you with us. We all know about grief so you can always unload on here at any time. We are all good listeners because we have all been where you are now and know the pain only too well. I am so very sorry for your loss. Guilt and anger may well follow bereavement. Most of us have felt it. Guilt because we feel we maybe could have done more, and anger because it all seems so unfair. But we did what we did because we had no alternative at the time. Hindsight can be a hard taskmaster, and a pretty useless one. None of us know from day to day what will happen. Crystal balls are in short supply!!
I am so glad you feel braver for reaching out. Sharing and understanding is what it’s all about.
Take care. Blessings. John.

Hi CathyG
I am sorry to hear about your Dad - i know everybody will or has to go through this at some point in our lives but I’m finding it really hard - one day i’m fine for a little while (putting on a brave face in front of people) and the next i can’t stop crying & wanting to scream (not that i have screamed yet perhaps that might help). Take care x