Mum

I lost my mum, my best friend in November 21. I am an only child and she was an only child. We had the most special bond and were best friends. She hadn’t been well for a while with COPD. Me and my husband had relocated to be near mum so I could spend time with her. I thought she would improve not die within 8 weeks of me being here to be with her. It has hit me so so hard. I’m drinking all the time . I have no motivation or energy. I’ve tried really hard to be ok and be kind to myself. I just don’t seem to be able to be right if that makes sense. My husband has been wonderful and my two kids who are also devastated are also supportive but it doesn’t feel enough. I just don’t want to get out of bed. Lockdown obviously doesn’t help. I feel so lonely and a huge emptiness. Just real broken hearted . My life just doesn’t feel ok any more.

Hi I can say all the usual things times a healer. Take it hour by hour but honestly nothing I say will help it might ease you for a period of time i dont know. All I can say is the only person that can help you is you. Somehow we have to muddle through so many emotions that it can feel like a madness has set in when its our minds trying to adjust to the trauma we have suffered.
So we have to treat it at such and try to heal ourselves. You cant stick a plaster over it it will just ooze out.
I know that as the weeks and months pass somehow it gets easier to have positive thoughts they may be fleeting but they do come. Slowly we cope but its not an easy road to travel but it must be done.try setting yourself a task for tomorrow something simple as getting up and having a coffee then back to bed. Go with this then try adding small things.

Tillwemeet again
Hi thank you for your kind words. It is just hard. It’s like you just wish if you’d known it was going to happen when it did I could have been there. I never knew that saying goodbye the evening before would be the last. I wanted to say good bye properly. She ended up being on her own really and that makes my feelings of sadness worse. But again thank you for taking the time to respond :blush:

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Hi again leveller
You did more than many by relocating to be closer all be it for a short time.
I understand your sadness is magnified by not being there in your mums final moments. I had this when my nan passed many years ago she died alone in the hospital. Something I have not allowed a repeat of. This said often these things are out of our hands. You were there when your mum needed you. You cant doubt your love for her. With hindsight the world would be a better place. Ifs buts whys and maybes serve only to prolong our grief but we all do this its like a punishment we must do.
I hope you realise soon you did all you could and find peace in life

Tillwemeetagain
Hi thank you again for your words. Your right it is like a punishment thinking of the if only etc but it’s like you can’t not think like that isn’t it. I know that she really appreciated me doing what I did. I just wasn’t ready for her to leave just yet. People have said you can still talk to them but it just doesn’t feel natural and can they really hear anyway. I have felt grief before when I lost my grandma and grandad and my mum was very sad. I was too but I got through it as I did still have my mum. Then her grandkids came along so life was ok again. But now I just feel I don’t have a life. The one person I want to share everything with is no more. We spoke every day about any old thing and laughed so much.

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Hello Leveller
I agree with Tillwemeetagain, you have to just go with what is happening and take it day by day. In my experience, every day brings different feelings or the same feelings which I go over and over. My Mum passed away 4 months ago and I miss her so much, I am an only child too. I was lucky enough to be with her and holding her hand when it happened.

Talk to your Mum, it really does help. I do sometimes hear my Mum’s voice in my head and it is comforting and sometimes it makes me laugh. It keeps her there as though she’s beside me. I talk to her ALL the time. It may not work for everyone but it helps me.

I have learned that grief is a very personal thing and not even the people closest to you are able to understand what you’re going through and the depth of your loss. The relationship with your Mum was unique so your grief will be unique to you too.

All you can do is take each minute, hour and day one at a time. And this forum is so helpful.

Take care x

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N/L
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Sorry for your loss too. That was good that you were able to be there at the end.
It really is just the most awful thing ever. Your right with the thoughts and feelings, they do change daily. The talking I want it to work but because I want her to just chat back for real I’m struggling with that. I’m glad I came on this forum as it is rather nice to hear other people’s thoughts it does make you realise you are not alone.

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Hi leveller.
Mums are our friends for life. They dont judge us, they offer advice and are always there to lend an ear.
They should live forever.
We somehow learn to live with what is now and our lives continue just in a much different way, the sadness will always be with us and we will always miss what we had.
Our mothers are us afterall.

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Hello Tillwemeetagain
Your words made me cry, you are so right in all you say.
They should live forever xx

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Hi Njl
It is true they live on in us. My mum had this look there was no need for words lol that look said behave. I apparently have that look.
Words, phrases that I say its all the things as a child you might say I wouldnt say that but find I do. So I hear her.
At times I will see her as I walk past my reflection or a quick glance in the mirror. I see her in my daughters as well. Not because we all look alike but in our mannerisms and things we say.
So this is why my mum will be with me forever.

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So true :heart:

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I’m so sorry about your mum @Leveller it is absolutely devastating. Like you, I have a husband and lovely children who are so supportive, and yet I still miss my mum every day.

She died unexpectedly in February, I hadn’t seen her because she had moved to a care home, and it literally floored me when I got the call. She had lived near us for 15 years, and been a huge part of our lives - it is still impossible to believe she isn’t in her flat, that I can’t FaceTime her, that I won’t see her.

I agree with taking things moment by moment - there is no timetable to grieving, nor a convenient end-date. I have what I call my rock days, when I just crawl under a blanket and don’t want to move until it eases a little, at least for a while.

I have found this site is full of such lovely, kind people who really understand loss. I hope you find support and comfort here. Keep posting and sharing - we are all on this journey with you.

Take care - grief is so hard and very tiring.
Nam xx

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NPM
Thank you for taking your time to say that to me I appreciate it. So sorry for your loss too. How awful that you weren’t seeing her because of the pandemic etc I think that the care home situation was so terrible and sad. I think the rock days sound good really , some time out just to reflect and pull yourself back round. I’ve been trying to listen to zen music and put myself in a better head space. I am pleased I took this step to post on here I’ve never been in a forum before for anything. It really does help to think that others as you say are on this journey with me so I don’t feel quite so alone.
Thank you :blush::heart:

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