Mum

Losing a parent
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I lost my beautiful Mum and best friend on 03rd of May 23 after a 12 month battle with pancreatic cancer. She was a brave warrior throughout even though she was let down by every avenue of the NHS from the day of her diagnosis. I nursed her in the last five weeks of her life till she took her last fighting breath. She suffered a burst aneurysm two days before she died which was very traumatic for her, my Dad and myself. I slept with her every night and very rarely left her during the day I witnessed and heard things that I am finding difficult to deal with as I don’t want to discuss it with my family as I want to protect them from the upset that I am feeling. I discovered that when she was in hospital the time before she was allowed to go home to die that her cancer had spread and she my Dad and all of my family was not informed of this. I have not yet told my Dad as I’m not sure it will help telling him?(I am going to get advice when I feel up to dealing with it what can be done) Mums funeral was last Thursday and up until then I was just very sad but yesterday the grief hit me very hard I cried constantly I have not slept for weeks even though I’m mentally exhausted, when I do manage to get a little sleep I dream about her then when I wake the reality hits me and I can’t go back to sleep. My family have been very supportive but they are dealing with their own grief too. I have friends who I can talk to but I don’t want to talk about what I witnessed and had to deal with, with them. I have spoken on the phone with a bereavement service but she just kept saying “ it’s early days and you can phone us back anytime” she didn’t advise how I can deal with it. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

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Hi, sorry for the devastating loss of your Mum. It sounds like you’ve had a traumatic experience and now you’re having to process the shock. It’s so gut wrenchingly awful and painful. My Mum also died of pancreatic cancer but it wasn’t discovered until her post mortem. She died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism, collapsing on her driveway one evening. Sadly she wasn’t discovered until the next morning by her neighbour. Obviously this was a devastating shock for me and my brother. It’s completely understandable that you want to spare your family of the terrible details you’ve witnessed, but perhaps it would be better to share them for your own sake. I overthought every detail of my Mum’s experience, wondering whether she knew how ill she was in her last months. Although it’s completely normal to do this it doesn’t change the outcome, she still died. If you read through other posts on this forum you’ll find others who have experienced similar hospital experiences and perhaps they will offer you some perspective. Take care xx

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Thank you so much and I’m sorry you went through what you did that must’ve been really hard for you. My Mums Dad passed away of a pulmonary embolism too at 61 he’d gone to hospital for a routine check up of his COPD and passed away whilst there that’s made me wonder if he had pancreatic cancer too? I have a call with the Macmillan support team next week. Thank you again.

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Hello @DKY

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here. Losing a parent is so painful and it’s normal to feel so many different emotions, and at all different times, so please remember to be kind to yourself.

I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now and I’m sure others will be along to offer their support.

It may also be helpful to read our information about losing a parent

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Kate
(Online Bereavement Community team)

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Hello

I read your story with heartbreak and tears. It is practically a like for like of what I went through recently. I’m sorry for your loss and the pain that’s clearly with you.
My dear mum, my best friend, lost her fight with pancreatic cancer 6 months ago. I cared for her at home and like you experienced things that will stay with me forever. My feelings of anger, guilt, sadness, regret is immeasurable. I don’t think I’m the same person anymore. It’s like a dark shadow is cast over everything I look at or do. Whilst I am in this darkness I take relief in one thing, which I hope you do too – they’re at peace. No more pain, no more suffering for them. I knew that with her passing she was free and at peace. To go wherever she went to – free from pain.
We as a family suffered in our own ways but this was compounded by so many other factors which I won’t go into because I know a lot of people see the benefits of the NHS.
There are things that I need to tell my dad and brother but I don’t want to add to their pain… What’s done is done but I suppose that doesn’t help with my anger. We were let down by so many people, it’s hard to forgive.

Please take relief in knowing she’s at peace, that’s all I have to hang on to and it does help.

I really hope you feel better soon. We’re stronger than we think.

Best Wishes

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I have only just joined this page to try to help myself work through the grief that I feel from losing my own mum very recently. It is heartbreaking to see stories so similar to my own. I lost my own mum and best friend at the end of May after a year long battle with cancer. I feel so cross that she was told for weeks it was just vertigo and put on antihistamines and anti sickness tablets. It was only after taking her for a 12 hour sit in A&E and being very insistent that someone help was it discovered to be cancer in her brain, lungs and lymph nodes. It has been a hellish year watching her battle, having brain surgery, gamma knife treatment, chemo, immuno… at for it to still spread. We brought her home for last of her life. The memories of her final weeks, days hours will stay with me always. I struggle to talk to people about those moments so I don’t distress or depress others. I have my wonderful dad, sister and brother but when I am alone I feel so overwhelmed with sadness of what mum went through. I have a constant feeling I’d sadness, no matter what I’m doing, even when I don’t appear sad on the outside. Like others have said, she is free from pain and fear x but I miss her terribly x lots of love to you all going through the same x

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Hi, this is a very tough road to travel along. You’re still at the raw beginning so it will be so painful in these early days. I’m nearly 5 months along and there have been some tough days. I still miss my Mum’s presence in my world, just knowing that she’s no longer around to message, phone, visit is just heartbreaking. I think I’d never contemplated that she wouldn’t be here, ever… I hope you have support around you. This forum is useful because it provides opportunities to express how you feel and gain a sense of shared experience. Best wishes, take care xx

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I lost my sister to pancreatic cancer in jan, big shock as she fought so well and even had the whipple procedure and all thought she had beat it. Her appointment to get results said different and only 9 days later she was gone. Feel so empty and guilty that I wasn’t around as much as I should have been as my daughter had a premature baby weighing only 1lb 9oz so was occupied with her. To top things off even more my mum passed away on my sisters funeral day so we had to leave my mum laid in her bed while we went to say goodbye to our sister and then come back to sort mum. I have to put a fake smile on my face everyday for my kids sake but inside I’m broken, never felt as unhappy as I do now and just wish I could join my mum, dad n sister x

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Hi, oh my goodness, that’s so brutally harsh… how devastating. You must be finding it so hard to adjust to so much loss in a short period of time. Sending you lots of compassion…xx

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Thank you so much and I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. Reading your comment was as if I’d written it myself it mirrors my own experience. I have this never ending feeling that I can’t find happiness in anything, I go through the motions of every day life. It will be my Mums Birthday next month the first major milestone since she passed away then Christmas I can’t even imagine what I will feel. My son will be 21 on Christmas Eve and I can’t even begin to organise something to celebrate it. Take care x

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Oh my goodness that’s so devastating for you I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope your Granddaughter is now doing ok. Sending love x