Mum

Hi there. This is my first post on here. I’m in such a state that I don’t really know what to say. My much adored mother died in September. She was 88 and had lived her last 4 years in a nursing home which was sad in itself. I have been battling ill health for years now. Under active thyroid and fibromyalgia. What I really want to ask is if it’s normal to feel as if you are in real physical pain. I am unable to sleep properly without pills and my appetite is zero. I have to force myself to eat and even then it’s just a banana a day. I don’t know if this can be attributed to the loss of my mother. I go to the GP but it feels like I’m wasting their time. I just sit in my living room every day. I have friends that invite me round but I can’t go. I don’t go to the shops. I don’t really go anywhere. I just feel so ill. My youngest child has also moved away to University. I have a wonderful husband and 2 super dogs but I feel as if I’m slowly dying myself. Is this normal? I can manage to get through most days and do my best to keep my mind busy. If I think of my mother I am desperately sad. It’s as if she’s gone and now I’m ill and what on earth do I do? Sorry if this message doesn’t make much sense. Just to thank you for this site and other messages have been very helpful. Thanking you.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I, too lost my beautiful Mum this year and the pain feels indescribable. I have no answers but if it helps I too struggle. Every day is difficult and with Christmas coming up that makes things worse. Everyone around is excited and I feel full of doom and gloom. I have also declined social occasions. I don’t want to put on a front of being ok when i’m actually feeling vulnerable and the safety of my own home is my only comfort. It sounds like you and I are experiencing typical symptoms of grief but don’t know the answer to stop us feeling as much pain as we do. I wish you well.

Hi Ophelia

Have just read your post and am so sorry to read of the loss of your Mum. It is one of the worst things to go through losing a parent, a real loss of one’s childhood I feel and that sudden realisation, even as an adult, that all that is over. Having to cope with ill health is also horrible. Both an under active thyroid and fibromyalgia are miserable to deal with on a daily basis and debilitating. Feeling physical pain and not sleeping when you have lost someone you loved dearly do appear to be something many people go through. So much so that the former feels like a physical illness. You mention seeing your doctor which is good, don’t ever feel you are wasting their time. You have two miserable ailments and have lost your Mum. Your doctor is trained in how to help you through this as best they can.

I lost my Mum just over two years ago and felt pain as you are, didn’t sleep and had no appetite. I struggled then and still do but found if I didn’t eat I felt worse. Little meals did seem to work for me, beans on toast that sort of thing.

Your dogs must be lovely to have around. Unconditional love even if it is attached to the need for regular walks. Those walks can help, time to think and let your mind wander how it wants. Remembering your Mum, even if it makes you sad is good. The happier memories do seem to gradually override the sadder memories of when your Mum was not well and in a nursing home.

Remembering happy times, family parties and holidays when I was little are a constant pleasure to me now. I have a photograph of my Mum at one party by my bed. She is laughing and happy and that is how I remember her rather than when she became ill.

I was told life after losing someone is an existance for a while rather than a proper life. It felt very true to me. Acceptance of losing Mum had taken me a long time, acceptance yes but not liking in any way what has happened. I feel a numbness but get through the days now (and eat properly).

In a rather muddled way I am trying to say it does get easier. Accept every bit of help that is offered to you. Your friends will understand if you don’t feel up to going to see them. Don’t suffer though, keep going back to your doctor if you are feeling awful. The pain you are going through is just as hard as the physical pain from fibromyalgia.

Take care of yourself
Mel.

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