I lost my mum to cancer in September and since then things have been awful and it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get better. Our family set up is a bit complicated , there is me the youngest sister with 2 older twin sisters and a younger brother from a different dad. My mum and brother were very close. All the way through her illness there were lots of secrets. She didn’t want us to know the full extent of how ill she was bless her so us siblings were all being told different things which caused trouble with one of my sisters who lives away who felt she was missing out and would take her frustrations out on me and would blame me for my mums quick deterioration and call me names. My other sister went on holiday even though she knew mum was dying (she died 2 days into her holiday). After mums death things got really bad, both my sisters tried to take over the funeral plans and upset my mums partner so they had a massive row which led to my sisters saying they weren’t going to my mums funeral (they did go). They found out I was executor to my mums will which really annoyed them. I stayed out of the argument between my sisters and mums partner as I just wanted to make sure my mum had the best funeral we could give her. But the nastiness from my sisters has carried on, bullying me over the will, saying hurtful things. I’ve tried to keep them out of my life but now my dad has been diagnosed with cancer so we have to have some contact concerning him. One sister just twists everything and I can’t bear it
Hello @Marie71,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. You’re not alone - sadly, conflict like this can happen. Hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts. I hope you have some support outside your family to help you cope with this and your dad’s illness. The community is here for you.
You might also find out Grief Guide article on grief and relationships within the family helpful to read.
Take good care
Seaneen
Thank you. I’ve been dealing with it all alone as I try not to worry or stress my husband as he’s had a stroke in the past. I used to talk to my auntie but sadly she lost her own battle with cancer a couple of months after losing my mum. I’ve just been burying my head in my work and trying to ride the storm .
That’s so sad, I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum. But also your auntie and now your dad’s illness. It’s a lot to bear. It sounds like you’ve done your absolute best for your mum and your whole family. I hope you’re proud of that. You’ve been a rock, and not allowing your sisters to drag you into conflict. The loss is enough to deal with on its own, this sounds like a really painful situation. You’re being the bigger person here. I’m glad you’re here for some support. X
Thank you for your kind words x
I am so sorry. You are doing really well Marie given what you have been through and their reactions. Sadly anger and blame happen alot. You have remained calm and you are doing the right thing for your mum, and perhaps once your executor duties are done you can relax, and they will settle down. Try to focus on you, keep an eye on your mums partner, and let their grief journey reactions belong to them.
I say that having experienced a sibling go AWOL and end up in hospital, threaten to unalive themselves, then even once improved said they would not come to the funeral. Causing all sorts of chaos really so that myself and other sibling found it even harder to grieve. Plus I was trying to sort funeral and probate myself.
That was all April/May and things are settling a little more 4 months on, but as you have found, it can take much longer depending on people’s temperament and the situation.
Big hug.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I also experienced a great deal of unpleasantness from my family during my Dad’s terminal illness and after his death. I was pretty much bullyed and harrassed through text messages by his siblings. They then complained about all the memorial arrangements and tried to dominate things without providing any emotional or financial support for me, his only child. They were motivated by power and money. I know this is not quite the same as your situation but I want you to know you’re not alone in the upset and frustration that you feel. I don’t know if there’s any additional comfort I can provide but what I will say is that if you are following your Mums wishes you are not doing anything wrong. If you are the person trying to stay calm and mediate things, you are being the nice one…and nice people are rare these days. Do not let them change your good kind heart. And although you are in the middle of this right now and of course it is horrid, you won’t always be in the middle.
Thank you for your kind words. Sorry you’ve had to go through this as well. I told my mum I would carry out her wishes as she was worried that my sisters may cause trouble and I have done that. They both just wanted to make it about them. They’ve got most of her jewellery as I gave the majority to them hoping that would ease it but they still not happy. I didn’t need her possessions. I have the memories of the day before she’d died, her reaching up and grabbing me for a last hug and then holding her hand and staying with her till the undertakers took her away the following day, that is what’s precious.
You have absolutely done the right thing. Your Mum would be proud of you, you should be proud of yourself. The fact that your Mum also predicted your sisters would make trouble is a big indicator of their personalities! And a tribute to your Mums foresight. It’s never nice to part with our loved ones possessions but I agree, memories are the most precious things that can’t be taken from you. When it comes to material objects as my Dad would say “it’s just stuff.”