Hi everyone this is my first time actually being brave and getting the help I think I might need. My mums 3rd year anniversary is coming up on Saturday the 8th August.
She passed away suddenly at the age of 45 in 2017 I was 27 at the time. 
my mum has been the first death I have endured and the very first funeral I have gone too. Anyways I have contacted this charity to hopefully get some counselling as the amount of times I have made an appointment I have felt sick and been unable to go just thinking back about that day. I have severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and ptsd. I have suffered this for 13 years and then ptsd the day I went to my mums house and she was dead. I couldn’t believe it she had no problems what so ever. The post mortem said heart disease. Anyway i screamed in my mums front garden so much I collapsed and a neighbour carried me home. My house was filled with friends that day and my poor grandparents loosing their daughter. so everyone has told me constant things will get better they told me this last year but I am not. I have so so many what ifs so much guilt just so many questions. I look after both my grandparents now. If it wasn’t for them and my dog I wouldn’t be near today as so much when I have taken a breakdown I have wanted to go and be with my mum. The pain is so unbearable. I don’t see friends much at all now I am a complete hermit plus i feel like a huge burden to friends as everyone has their own problems so I have been keeping a lot in to myself if her funeral songs come on `in a shop I need to walk straight out. Any tiggers and that’s my mood changed all day or all week. 1 year after my mum I had the police chap my door during the night my uncle had an hour to live they had told me ? There’ was not health issues with him either he had a bad headache they said and it ended up a huge blood clot. I couldn’t go and face Seeing him I couldn’t even face seeing mum in the funeral directors I was just so so sick and mentally exhausted. I got a lot of grief from som memebers of my uncles side of the family because I couldn’t make it. I was so ill and not in a proper mental state. I had apologised and helped as much as I could with his funeral but still wasn’t good enough.
Mum got cremated and i just don’t want to her ashes to go anywhere. I have a pillow made from my mums dressing gown and I will shout and cry in it on bad days but I end up panicking so much I can’t breath etc. I love alone which is probably why I’m a hermit and find it really hard socialising again I miss my life I miss my mum I know i am just existing right now with being on so many medications and at 31’it isnt how i invisioned My life. My career before mum died so was so stressful so I just couldn’t face going bk when she passed. I have tried everything u could think off I’m trying meditation again. Thursday with my first appointment I am really scared and nervous. I also have separation anxiety from my gran and papa and dog yes I know that will sound weird nuf
If I go away from the house from them I worry that the same will happens to one of them while I am away and I always vision my dog getting run down. It’s always bad things and bad nightmares in get. Would be nice to hear back from anyone who’s been through and still going through it. Thank you in advance I hope everyone is as well as can be during these weird times. Naomi x
We all act differently but the same
It’s tough, but we keep going because thrs nothing else for it!
Write down what you want to say to ur mum! Tell her how your feeling
I have found doing that with my son is helping me ,its just keep the connection to him!
Try it ,it may help
Ur in my prayers
Dear Naomid89,
Well done for taking the brave step to write your story on here and to look for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to admit that we may need others to help us. You suffered a massive bereavement when you lost your mum and you had a lot to cope with at a young age. It sounds like you did not get much support at the time of her death. On top of that, you lost your uncle. I can fully understand that you could not face seeing him and going to the funeral. Your uncle’s family should have accepted that.
You write a lot of negative things about yourself, but I think you should stop putting yourself down, Despite your own problems yo are looking after your grandparents. That shows you are a caring person.
I think your mum would be proud of you.
There is nothing you could have done to prevent her death.
Guilt is a very common emotion when people grieve, but it often is misplaced and not helpful.
You write that you already suffered with depression and anxiety before you lost your mum. It is good that you have decided to seek help. Is your appointment on Thursday for medication or for counseling?
I hope that you get the help you need. Do let us know how you got on.
Jo64
Hi and thanks for your positive message back 
I’m guessing there isn’t an app made for this site? Or it’s just all webpage?
Yes my uncles family don’t talk to me now which they’ve made me feel really horrible as I was so upset and told them at the time I cannot face it I had lit a candle for him at home. I have a tree for my mum so I have so on Friday I am goin to go up to the memorial bit and chop back the weeds etc. At Christmas time people go up and do them all up but I haven’t managed to do that yet as from August right though until March I just get extremely down xmas and new year I also hide away myself because I’m so hurt and saddened as me n my mum loved Xmas so all of that is a trigger and with it being only 4 months away my mind is already overthinking it. The guilt I actually have is because my mum was an alcoholic when I was a teenager etc so I got brought up by my grandparents so we didn’t talk for a few Years as I basically had to be the mother a lot and what hurts the most is my mum was sober for the 4 years before she had passed and we were just starting to bond again and it kills me that I never really got much mother and daughter time all my life and when she was getting her act together she died it’s asif Iv been robbed. My mum was so so beautiful but had a lot of demons and it wasn’t until maybe last year I understood why she drank to numb the pain etc but while growing up I always was like why doesn’t she love me the way she loves the drink.
I have my appointment with the sue Ryder charity for an assessment. Physciatrist calling me on the 18th. N that’s another thing my mind is all over the place is I’m coming down off one antidepressant and Iv started another one so my mind is all over the place just now with the side effects as I feel I just want my mum here to cuddle me and tell me things will get better. After 3 years of people telling me I need to do this blah blah I told them I will in my own time so here I am. 
Thank you for ur lovely reply yes I’m always so negative towards myself as that’s just how I feel about myself all the time.il post a little pic of me and my mum. So u can put a face to my name. Yes I will keep you informed on how i get on etc much love xx!
Thanks for sharing the pictures, they’re lovely, so sorry you lost your mum too soon. Please keep posting here but please realise you don’t need to create the same post in each separate category as most people read all the categories, and yeah, there is no app for this, most forums tend to be web-based and not app-based.
Ah thank you it is my first time here and realised there was that topic that is better for me. Thanks I will do.