5 weeks ago we got the dreaded news. For many months we had a gut feeling it would come to this. He struggled with mental health for a while. He lost so many friends and family because he destoyed the relationships with them. Including his young children, myself and my family.
When we heard i wasnt shocked initially. But now, I have pain and guilt. I should have done more.
We all tried over and over. It never got through to him. We watched him change. Until it became unbearable and he ended it.
I keep going over it in my head. What was his last thought’s? Did he mean to do it? Was he in pain? Did he love us? Its torture.
We hadn’t spoken for so long. I had so much to say. I hoped one day he would get better and build his life back together.
Now i stand by his graveside and feel such a sadness. I have never experienced anything like this. Where do you even begin???
So many un answered questions and what ifs
My baby brother took his life and he was all alone.
I cant even look at nice things in life because I say to myself, he’ll never get to see the sun again, he will never get to hear the birds, he will never walk in the park again…
WelshH - I am so, so sorry. It is unimaginable. I know you wish you could have saved him from himself. If only. . . You tried over and over with best intentions and couldn’t save him. All the love in the world can’t save people from themselves. It is true and tragic.
You aren’t a miracle worker or a healer, just a big brother who tried to protect his little brother and couldn’t. I am sorry. Mourn his loss. Cry for the loss of his life. It is heartbreaking.
Know that he is okay now. Talk to him. Ask him to send you a sign that he is finally at peace. He will.
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your your brother that brings you here.
You say you are feeling like you have so many unanswered questions. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.
You might also want to explore our Online Bereavement Support, where you find our Grief Guide self-help platform, our Grief Coach text support service, and how to access our Online Bereavement Counselling.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
