Although not a baby I lost my 26year old son Billy last April. He had been suffering with mental illness and depression for a couple of years and he took his life when he couldn’t fight anymore.
He was my youngest,my baby.
Every day is so painful I look at his photo and yearn for him. He was such a kind loving son. I miss him so much. Some days I feel I want to be with him and have to think of how much it damage that would do to my other children and my husband.
My work colleagues have been so supportive.
Every night when I turn of the light I relive the telephone call from his psychiatric nurse and nothing I do stops it.
My heart is shattered. I have become very withdrawn someday only managing a few words.
I cant find pleasure in anything not even my grandchildren.
Welcome to the community @Deej. I’m so sorry to hear about your son Billy. I can really hear how painful this is all feeling for you which is understandable to be feeling. You’ve taken a positive step reaching out for support on the community, we’re all here for you 
You mentioned that your work colleagues are being supportive which is good to hear. Are you receiving any other support at the moment?
You also said that you struggle with thoughts of wanting to be with your son. If at any point these thoughts feel too much or you start to feel unsafe, you can always reach out to these organisations below anytime you need to.
- The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
- Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
- Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. -
- You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
There’s also an organisation for people who have lost someone to suicide (SOBS) and they offer a range of support options you may want to look into.
If you’re interested in counselling, we offer free sessions here at Sue Ryder. You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
Take lots of care, and keep posting here whenever you need to. There’s lots of caring people on the community to help you through this.