My Beautiful Mom died on Friday...

…and due to Covid 19 I could not with her. I cannot be with family now or in the foreseeable future. I can’t be at any memorial. I can’t do the things for her that I always thought I would;

  • Hold her hand
  • Kiss her one more time
  • Dress her for her last journey
  • Sort out her things
  • Throw a celebration for her friends
  • Sniff her bed, clothes and cry into her pillow

The timing, the virus, it’s scuppered every coping mechanism I thought I might have. I pray, light candles, cry, read snippets of verse, listen to her voice, look at photos - and when I’ve finished sobbing, I’m in the same place I was before. The days are so long. It’s only been 2 days, but it feels like an eternity. And after months ( and years) of watching this terminal illness ravage her body, I feel so tired - yet somehow this is only the beginning.

I have no doubt she is with God. And that is comforting. I also know she isn’t hurting anymore. She suffered so greatly - every complication was thrown at her and she fought as hard as she could. She battled.

But I don’t feel like I have the stamina to live this chapter, especially without her wise, kind and beautiful being.

Watching my babies hurt like this kills me too. There is no support system. Just a stressed out family of 4, mourning the loss of our beloved. No outside touch. No distraction. It’s so intense.

I’m so sorry about the loss of your Mum, it is devastating at any time, but much worse during this awful pandemic, I know it’s easy for me to say, that it is early days, but it is, everything you are feeling is absolutely normal, take comfort from the fact she is no longer suffering, it’s always worse for the people left behind and there is always so much to sort out, keep strong for yourself and your family, and it will get easier, you’ll never stop missing her, but it will in time get easier, sending love to you and your family xx