…and due to Covid 19 I could not with her. I cannot be with family now or in the foreseeable future. I can’t be at any memorial. I can’t do the things for her that I always thought I would;
- Hold her hand
- Kiss her one more time
- Dress her for her last journey
- Sort out her things
- Throw a celebration for her friends
- Sniff her bed, clothes and cry into her pillow
The timing, the virus, it’s scuppered every coping mechanism I thought I might have. I pray, light candles, cry, read snippets of verse, listen to her voice, look at photos - and when I’ve finished sobbing, I’m in the same place I was before. The days are so long. It’s only been 2 days, but it feels like an eternity. And after months ( and years) of watching this terminal illness ravage her body, I feel so tired - yet somehow this is only the beginning.
I have no doubt she is with God. And that is comforting. I also know she isn’t hurting anymore. She suffered so greatly - every complication was thrown at her and she fought as hard as she could. She battled.
But I don’t feel like I have the stamina to live this chapter, especially without her wise, kind and beautiful being.
Watching my babies hurt like this kills me too. There is no support system. Just a stressed out family of 4, mourning the loss of our beloved. No outside touch. No distraction. It’s so intense.