I lost my mum to Metastatic RCC last Wednesday she was 76 and to say her end was traumatic for myself and family is an understatement, I believe she did not suffer but to see her like she was was truly awful and I cannot get that memory out of my head. If it wasn’t for the lovely Marie Curie nurse and the Palliative nurse who was with us when she passed I don’t how we would have coped, for them I am externally grateful. Her funeral is on Friday 2nd September but we just received a call from the funeral directors to say we can now come and see her in their chapel of rest.
2 Likes
Hi Jules
Ah what a lovely photo of your beautiful mum 
So sorry for your loss. I lost my gorgeous mum in august 2020. What you have been through is truly traumatic. Watching the most special person to you deteriorate is the worst thing ever. Sending big hugs.
Firstly, your mum will have taken so much comfort from knowing you were there. Although my mum wasn’t really there and was sleeping for the 4 days we were with her at the end, I like to think she could hear us all talking to her and playing music to her.
The memories as you said stayed with me for a long time, but please take comfort from knowing that over time, you push those bad ones away and force all the good ones to the forefront of your mind. It will happen, honestly. Then you will be able to remember your lovely mum the way she was and it will make you smile.
I hope you are ok, we are always here on this forum to help. Without it I don’t know what I’d have done. Even in the depths of despair in deep grief I would type and open my heart in the middle of the night and would always get a warm comforting response from someone who was in my position and could relate.
It helps so much, so please keep posting. Do you have good support around you. Do you have friends who have lost anyone?
For me, most people I know haven’t lost anyone close yet, I was the first. It’s hard. They can’t relate at all. That’s why I’m so grateful to have had this support from sue ryder. It’s a god send. Grief can be lonely, even if you have supportive loving people around you, unless they have lived through this, they just can’t truly help.
Take care, hope you are able to plan the funeral and I’m sure you will give your mum a lovely farewell
2 Likes
Hi Jules,
I am new to this forum and I too lost my Mum aged 76 from matastictic cancer. She passed on 18th July with me, my daughter, my Brother and my Dad beside her. She was only diagnosed 4 weeks prior and for the first 3 weeks there appeared to be hope that it could be treated. But, the news we never wanted to hear was delivered to us by the consultant…there was nothing more they could do. Within 4 days she passed away, but it wasn’t nice to watch…I would imagine a very similar experience to yours.
We had to wait 2 weeks to have the funeral and it felt like a lifetime. However the funeral was beautiful and exactly what she would have wanted. Two of true hardest days of my life was seeing her pass away and attending her funeral to say goodbye for the final time.
The days following brought a whole new wave of emotions, so be prepared.
It’s now coming up to 6 weeks and it’s still so raw. I take each day at a time and some days I am okay and others I am a complete mess. I find it hard to get out of bed or do anything. Other days I am up and at it. Some days I cry uncontrollably and others I don’t cry at all. Some days I can talk about her fine and then others I can’t even say the word Mum without breaking down.
Be kind to yourself. Don’t feel guilty for doing something you enjoy. I know it’s a long road ahead and it isn’t going to be easy, but you aren’t alone.
I still cannot in imagine my life without my Mum. I am dreading her Birthday in November and I’m dreading Christmas but I know with the help of friend and family I will get through it.
I miss my Mum so much it’s hard to put in to words and I think only if you have been through something like this, you can relate.
Happy to chat anytime.
Thinking of you @Jules1270, what a lovely photo of your mum - twinkly smiling eyes - please try to remember her like this. I hope the memories of those last traumatic days will fade and be replaced by good memories of your happier times together.
I couldn’t be with my lovely mum who died in June 2020 (lockdown) and know her last days were traumatic too. The lovely carers who were with her have tried to reassure me the bad episodes did not last too long. It’s hard to shake off the pain I feel about not being with her but know somehow I have to. So I’m treasuring my happy mum photos too and trying to tell myself that she’s safe and free from suffering now.
Hope all is well on Friday, please be gentle with yourself. Your beautiful mum is peaceful now.
Sending hugs xx
1 Like
@JoParki and @Prettygreeneyes I’m so sorry for your losses too, it’s so hard isn’t it? Two years on from losing my mum in 2020 and I’m still a mess, more so really since anxiety and depression have decided to join forces with grief. I miss mum terribly. I’m on my own, no more family and no support bubbles throughout the pandemic. I only found this Sue Ryder forum very recently but am glad to have done so. Grief is lonely, but this forum helps to feel less alone.
Thinking of you too xx
3 Likes
Stardust, I’m so sorry you are suffering from a&d, this happened to my teenage daughter too, which was triggered by grief. Always here for you on this forum . Please reach out whenever. I know how hard it is for you.
Big hugs for your loss. Must have been awful for you to not be able to be with your lovely mum. The carers sound wonderful tho, and I’m sure your mum got comfort from them being with her.
When my mum was nearing the end, we were lucky as the rules were easing a little, so they let us into the hospital. There was a lady on her own who was also in her last few days. The nurses were wonderful with her, and constantly holding her hand, as I’m sure this is what they were doing with yours
Take care, You are doing so well each day. Remember how you have somehow got through the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to you in your lifetime. Your mum is sending you strength each day. Keep going, every situation is temporary, even this mess the country is in. We will get through it. Stay strong.
I used to send my daughter affirmations each day on WhatsApp that I found online.
Take a look at a website called Spiffy. Hope it helps
1 Like
Prettygreeneyes, thank you so much for your kind post and reassurances that my mum would have received good comfort from her carers. I do know that the 3 ladies who were with her in her last hours had Classic FM smooth classics playing on the radio - mum listened to Classic FM a lot so her favourite kind of music. They talked to her, and played the video messages that my sister and I had sent, telling her that we loved her, not to worry and to let the kind ladies and doctors look after her. They also encouraged my mum’s little dog to snuggle up beside her on the bed, and guided mums hand to stroke her. I’m so glad mum at least had her with her at the end. Ive just had another cry I’m afraid, I feel that I’ll never be able to stop crying about not seeing her and being with her. And I know there must be so many people who have not been able to see or be with their loved ones at their end of life, due to lockdown. I’ll try to keep your wise words to be strong in my mind. I do hope that your daughter will be ok too, and I’m glad you have each other. Thank you again for all you’ve said, I’m so glad to have this forum now, everyone is so kind and caring. It does help to come here and, though I don’t wish such pain on anyone, it helps to be in the company of others who understand.
Much love to both you and your daughter 
xx
Ah that sounds lovely. How lovely to have her dog with her it’s so hard isn’t it. I love that they played classic fm to her. We too played music to my mum in the 4 days we were allowed to be with her. Take care and ride the waves, sometimes tsunami of grief hey. Thank you, my daughter is so much better now xx
1 Like