I lost my 38 year old son on 29th August. He was fighting stage 4 Melanona since diagnosis March 15th 2020, locked down 23rd March. 25 immunotherapy treatments by May 30th 2022. The treatment was deemed successful and future plans dared to be made. 24th June after suffering headaches and sickness multiple untreatable brain tumours. Was given up to 6 months to live but 10 weeks later lost the battle.
He was the fittest young man, a tree surgeon and fire fighter. Had a 2 year old daughter after 7 years of heartache trying and eventually after IVF Jessica was born January 2020. Had a bright future, James just had a slight irritating cough, sent for routine scan resulting I devastating diagnosis. Lockdown delayed treatment and never had face to face consultation. Major surgery Nov 2020 to remove a large bowel tumour missed by scan. Had lost 5 stone, after surgery defied the odds and worked hard with diet, exercise, everything possible to fight this wicked disease. Changed hospital to the Christie in Manchester who were amazing.
He was an inspiration, a wonderful Daddy who took on the role of childminder while his wife worked hard to make a living.
A 2 year rollercoaster, I havnt slept properly since March 2020 constantly worrying about my boy. They were a 3 hour journey away and covid made everything so difficult.
His wife and I looked after him at home, at his request, for the last 10 weeks if his life. He is in my head constantly, the way he deteriorated so rapidly and turned into an old man , thin, confused, unable to focus, speak eat, drink. I am distraught, will never get over his loss, cry constantly, don’t know where to turn. I have to keep going for the sake of my daughter, granddaughters, husband, extended family,my dog.
His funeral was a fitting tribute to his spirit of adventure, his energy, compassion, love of life.
Life as I knew it is over for me.
So sorry for the loss of your son and the trauma you have gone through the past two years, Life does change when you loose a child, I lost my son Scott aged 29 in a motorbike accident in May, and I exist but don’t live, if that makes sense, it is still early days and the lovely people on this site give encouragement that small chinks of light do appear again, so all we can do is take one day at a time and try and keep going for our families, as hard as that is 
It’s hard too because my husband isn’t James’s dad so hard for him to understand.
I would have gladly changed places with him. I’m sad for me, his lovely wife, the love of his life, his gorgeous daughter who he adored, she won’t remember him. He was a legend. I can’t look at cindolence cards yet, or photographs of him of which I have many. I’m an old fashioned mum who looked after my 2 children myself, never went to anyone else until they were at school. We were adventurers.
He was such a lovely young man. When I was in Wales caring for him, people in the town would stop me and say what a credit he was to me. They have lived there 7 years anx made such sn impact on so many people. I seem to be feeling more sad as time goes on.
Hello - Suzy4 - I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. He sounds like a fine young man and you were rightly very proud of him . Your love and devotion shines through every word and your presence to him as his mother must have given him strength and reassurance. It is very early days Suzy and you also have the trauma of the last two years to deal with. .
You will find some good people on this site who i believe will help as time passes. I have lost two sons in the last year and as horrendous as this has been coming on here when i thought i could no longer cope allowed me and reminded me that I am not alone . Sending you my kind thoughts for you and your familyxxx
I also was an old fashioned mom and was lucky to be able to spend the time with my children until they went to school and I would also have changed places with Scott, he should still be here not me and I begged for that to happen as they were doing CPR on him but that wish wasn’t granted, like your son, my son Scott was also known as a legend, so caring and loving, it makes no sense why our children are no longer with us
Jenna, I’m so sorry you have lost two sons, my heart goes out to you, I don’t know how I would cope with that, I really don’t know what else to say, it is too awful, but you are right about coming on this site, nobody judges you or tells you to pull yourself together, we can be honest about our pain and feelings, love and hugs to you you all xx
Oh Jenna, I’m so sorry for the loss of 2 sons, I can’t imagine feeling any worse than I do now. My friend list her daughter of 25, my daughters best friend, and I remember at her funeral praying that I would never have to suffer the same. I don’t have any faith now, she was a lovely girl with a bright future, the same as James. Her mum is trying to help me through this, unless anyone has been through the same I think it’s hard to understand the feeling of utter despair. I keep myself together in front of my granddaughters but as soon as they leave I just go to pieces. The hond between a mother and child is the closest you can get. Yes we had thd occasional fallout but that’s entirely normal but I was so, so proud of him and all he stood for. I’ve never been into wealth or possessions, all I ever asked was my children to be healthy and happy and I could cope with anything.
My son would have been 39 on Xmas eve, it’s going to be a very sad time. I am 70 next year and he would be 40. We were going to arrange another family holiday next year in celebration, we had a week in Menorca, 8 of us, in May, which I’m so glad we did. I was made redundant in 2020 so spent the money on our little all inclusive holiday, my 2 granddaughters were a delight and James was the first I’m the cold water, snorkeling and taking amazing underwater photographs. Sorry for typing errors, hard on a phone!!
I went to my gp, a rarity, she prescribed sleeping tablets!!!
Hello Dee - sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your son Scott. I identify with you and others on the site that we would gladly give up our lives for those of our children. But it of course does not work like that.Life does not work like that . We are bought together in this particular loss which i believe is the hardest we can endure and we can support each other as we can.There are people on the site at different stages of their grief so always someone 's story you can identify with or some comfort along the way. Bless you and know we can empathise with the grief a nd loss. Xx
Thank you for all of your input. It is , dare I say it, a little comforting to know others have the same feelings. Life is always a little unfair when you witness humans who don’t seem to have nice agendas!
Love to all on here 
Suzy - What is your son’s name. Yes they would have loved him in Wales as a tree suegeon of course and in his caring role. I originate fom west wales the agricultural bit and still have 2 brothers and a sister there. I am sure that he was well loved there and it is incredibly sad that life intervened so cruelly . Take it slowly. lo ve him and his family deeply and rest rest rest. Xx
Jenny, if you are on fb James Rush he made an account of his battle. The funeral was attended by the Llangollen Fire service, the fire engine escorted through the town. The service was so moving. They were my little Welsh trio. He used to walk the mountains with my granddaughter on his back taking amazing photographs. It was hus dream place to live for rock climbing, kayaking, canoeing, walking, camping, photography, wildlife, forestry! I could go on snx on about his many interests anx knowledge. He was very humble, a talented artist. Such a waste. My granddaughter thinks he paints the sunrises. X
Jenny, I meant, another type error!!
Jenna, predictive text taken over!!
No worries . I Will look up James on FB - says a lot of positive things about him as a person. You should be proud and no one can take away the lovely memories you all have of him .i found that talking about my boys and later laughing about my boys equally helpfu The first few months are what my GP called ‘very rough’ and so they were. Whater you feel at any given time are what you feel so as a couple of greats onthis forum say tale one step,one hour or even one minute at a time. And do not forget to breathe .j
Thank you Jenna. My heart breaks for you, was it an accident that caused you to lose your sons, how old were they? I can’t imagine. 
Adie died suddenly september 21 - and jonnie who lad lots of physical problems just missedhis big bro too much, his weak body broke down, he stopped taking his meds and got depressed. He wanted no help just wanted to sleep. He died 11 weeks after his big brother. Please do not feel put off because i lost two sons. There was not that much spa ce
Between them and they were very united. I love and miss with gret ferocity but a bit of time helps with the raw pain you are experiencing xxx
So sorry for your loss. X
Suzie4, I read your first post with tears pouring down my face - your experience is so similar to mine. My beloved son was diagnosed with a brain tumour in April 2019. After successful surgery, he began to live a near-normal life again - we were all so relieved. But the tumour returned, and he he had another op and radiotherapy, all the time being very brave and positive. He was happily married with two lovely children. Last December we learned that the tumour was growing and this time they could do nothing. We had to watch him slowly decline and he died at the beginning of April 2022. He was at home, with all of us there, including the children.
He had a great many friends, everyone loved him, he had a zest for life and was a talented artist. Our grief at losing him is immeasurable.
I have to keep going for my daughter-in-law, my grandchildren, and for my other two children.
My younger son ran the London half marathon on Sunday, in honour of his beloved brother, and raised funds for the National Brain Appeal.
We are all trying to support each other to get through this terrible time.
I wish you strength and peace, as I do for all the people posting on this site. We are dealing with so much sorrow and pain.
With love from SusanJ (also called Susie by my family, so that’s another thing we have in common!)
xx
Hi Susan, noone can understand what as a mum we are going through unless it’s happened to them so I’m glad, if that’s the right thing to say, that you understand this complete heartbreak. It’s been such a rollercoaster, all the time me thinking it would be OK , he will beat this, he’s invincible. How old was your son? My son was James. I feel more sad every day and sick of people saying it will get easier. It won’t.
The gym where he went throughout his illness, trying to beat this wicked disease, did a sponsored row for the melanoma focus on Monday.
As a mum it’s the worst scenario.
It alters things for the whole family.
Sue x