Yes Susan, my sister has a holiday flat in Filey, she’s a bit of a Hyacinth though so can’t go to it without being supervised!! Anyway , that’s another story.
I did my charity shop yesterday and the girl who asked me to do it does the most amazing crafts and painting and cake making so she says she’s going to teach me some skills, always wanted to make a quilt.
Only lives across the road and another friend is going to show me how to do the vinted app. I just need to occupy myself.
Its a very miserable wet day here, I’m drenched and so is the dog so must get ready to go out. It’s about 40mins to Filey from here. Are you in the south Susan?
Speak later
Sue xx
Hi Sue & Susan, had to look up on Google maps where Filey is. Hope you had a nice day there, Sue, even though the weather isn’t so good, you said. I’ve been to Yorkshire a few times. Beautiful place.
The steely grey North Sue must’ve been beautiful today. Would have matched my mood.
Here it’s been sunny - or so I saw through the bathroom window whenever I got up out of bed to go to the loo. On a normal November day like this I’d be out on an Alp, hiking. The colours with all the golden larch trees are magnificent this time of year. Good for you coming up with a project like making a quilt, Sue. I wish I could muster up some sort of enthusiasm for anything. I cannot get out from under this terrible heavy state of depression.
Whenever I’m in England I love to go to charity shops! So much choice and you can pick up such bargains! We don’t have those in hyper expensive Switzerland. 
. I have good friends that live in Sodding Chipbury (that’s what I always call it, as I can never remember the real name - I’m sure you know the place I mean) They have three charity shops in their lively high street. When Joey lived in London he bought all his clothes in charity shops in Camdentown. £
I wrote another letter to Joey this afternoon. I told you, didn’t I, that this was recommended on some bereavement site I googled. I apologised to him for not having addressed his fears enough. It haunts me! Everyone around him, his friends, my friends, followers of the Having a Ball podcast, all applauded his immense courage - but there were many low points when he was afraid. Who wouldn’t be? When the pain became unbearable, when he was so very nauseous when he had horrible tests done that didn’t in the end save him at all. He wasn’t ready to go! There was too much left of life he still wanted to live.
Now and then these past months when he wasn’t feeling so poorly, he’d start talking about some things in the future - for example, how he was looking forward to a new type of Apple TV thing that was coming out in the spring, or about the Faroe Islands, where he’d been invited to go with a close friend once his cancer was ‘cured’. It would make my heart soar when I saw him looking positively towards the future. But all for nought.
God this is a crappy club we belong to! I want out! I want my money back!
But you’re right Susan, sharing our experiences does seem to bring some comfort.
Here’s to another Saturday night missing our buys. 
Love, Annemarie XX
Hi Annemarie, you have had such a short time since Joey died, I’m not surprised at how you feel. I met my friends in Filey and couldn’t speak about James for a while then broke my heart at the restaurant table when I did. It’s 10 weeks at 12.30am Monday since I watched James take his last breath and I’ve been to Lidl, someone asked how I was and that was it, flood gates opened!! Again! How long before I can stop doing that Susan?
Things go over and over in our heads.
By the way, you couldn’t see the sea at Filey it was so misty and wet, normally its a beautiful beach and a lovely walk. Just our moods really.
Yes bloody awful club we’re in. No getting out of this membership I’m afraid.
You are neither stupid nor irresponsible. None of us has a window into the future and none of us has the gift of being able to cure terminal illnesses or protect our children from death. Guilt and regret are a bloody painful part of losing our own child. They seem like a default setting in our brain, but they aren’t an indicator that it’s somehow our fault. It’s the brain sifting through it all to find some reason for such a tragedy. I feel the same and endlessly trawl my brain looking for an answer to the unanswerable. Reading your post I see someone, like all of us who lost a child, grieving and heartbroken. It’s because we loved them when they were alive and it won’t change now they are gone. It’s love that flows with no place to go. All we can do is keep on keeping on in our darkest moments and make small, positive changes to learn to live again. All of us mums and dads are experiencing our worst nightmare. Sharing on here is a good thing and has helped me. Every day is another mountain to climb just when are resources are so low. Sending you hugs xxxx
1 Like
You have summed this up so well, Nell. Our brains are trying to make sense of what has happened. Our children were such an important part of our lives. The loss of a child leaves us reeling. And the love goes on. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Sending hugs back to you x 
But how do you keep going? I feel so sad and churned up in my stomach all the time, I feel guilty for even thinking that maybe one day I can somehow live in this world without my son in it. I know it’s one day at a time but that day is always the same, full of pain and not understanding why this has happened and the confusion that it has but I can’t accept it to be real, how can he be gone forever, that I can never see, hug or talk to him again, it’s just too much to bear, I seem to be stuck in a vicious circle with no way out
1 Like
I don’t know, Dee and I agree it’s too much to bear. We have to believe that the pain the pain will ease, that we will find a way to live useful lives and to cherish the memories of our children. Making contact here, reaching out to others, learning that we are not alone, helps a little. We don’t have to be brave, we are facing the worst that life can throw at us. We will get through this somehow, and our children will always be in our hearts.
With love - Susan J
I am so sorry. My son has, after a brave battle, over the past two years, now only a few weeks to live. It was missed because of lockdown and he has had to lose a large part of his mouth and face. We don’t feel anger at the people who thought lockdown was a good idea because they are only human too and humans can make mistakes when trying to do good. Besides anger will only fill what life he has with negative thoughts. He ws supposed to be getting married before all this started, but with his indomitable spirit got married on Saturday to our beautiful new daughter in law. A day of great sadness and joy. We are grateful to have the memory and every November 5th we’ll celebrate his life. Thank God, literally, that my faith has supported both he and I this far. Wishing you all the comfort and support you need. From a fellow Parent.
1 Like
Oh my Jay, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you.
I was with my son till the bitter end and would do it all again. No parent should have this to deal with. 10 weeks after losing James I am seeking help from my GP after being determined to face this without help. I have gained a little solace from talking to other mums on this site with equally heartbreaking scenarios. No doubt you have been on this rollercoaster for the last 2 years as we as a family have been.
It’s taken all the strength I have but we have to find some positives out of all this. November 5th will be a very special date for all of you. My boy would gave been 39 on Xmas eve so it will hopefully be a celebration of the time we were lucky enough to gave him.
Take care
Sue
2 Likes
Thank you for your kind thoughts Sue.
At the moment I’m keeping it together because I have to support everyone else through to the other side because that’s what we Mums do, but I know that once this last thing I can do for my son is over, I’ll have to deal with my own grief. Don’t hold back from getting help. I’m sure your son would have wanted you to have all the help you need.
Unfortunately, with us being in Oxfordshire and our son being in Inverness during lockdown, we couldn’t travel to give as much support as we wished, but we’re travelling up and down a lot at the moment, well as much as we can without causing him worry as his father had a stroke a couple of years ago and we both find travelling more stressful as we’ve got older. I am so sorry you are losing your little boy, (aren’t they always that to us), so young. At least my boy reached fifty, so we must count our blessings when we see the plight of others like yourself and your family. I truly shall think of you on Christmas Eve and be saying a little prayer for you and yours. The twinkling lights will always be a celebration of your son’s life and the fireworks will always be a celebration of ours. Take care and do get in touch if ever you feel the need to chat. Jay
1 Like
Thank you so much Jay for your kindness.
My son was in North Wales and again during lockdown when help was needed. I’ll be honest, him, his wife and baby Jess came to me 3 times in that 1st year when they shouldn’t and I went there twice. They had no family near as they had started a new life 7 years ago and became very much part of the community, that’s why my daughter in law has decided to stay. The outdoor life was in abundance which suited them so well and James loved it there.
He was a fireman and tree surgeon and no one fitter than him! This wicked disease does not discriminate.
It’s 10 weeks today since he died and I’m struggling enormously. I am 70 next year and he would have been 40. We were going to have a family holiday together again next year.
Thinking of you.
Sue xx
1 Like
Someone on hear said ‘we keep them in the pocket in our heart’. Xxx
1 Like
Just to offer some words of support to Jay who is going through an unbelievably difficult time:
You will need all your courage to face the weeks ahead, but your love for your child will carry you through.
How wonderful that he went ahead with his wedding plans and had a happy day, which you will always remember with joy and tears. You must be very proud of your son. You have gained a daughter-in-law who I’m sure be a comfort to you. She will need your support, and you’ll be there for each other.
Covid restrictions kept many of us apart from our children, and this was especially hard when we knew they were suffering or undergoing treatment.
Keep in touch. We have all experienced the loss of a child and we are all trying to keep going and to encourage each other.
Sending warm wishes and kind thoughts to you and your son and all your family.
Susan J
1 Like