My best friend is gone...

I lost my beautiful mum on the 28th October after a 4 year battle with cancer. She was 54 years old. I feel that I should have prepared myself for it better, instead I chose to try and always see the positive, how e for advances in treatment and ride the wave as, unfortunately, her illness had become the new normal for us. She fought it all with such a quiet bravery and determination and had overcome everything previously, we just naively assumed there’d be another tomorrow. The circumstances in which she went were awful and very quick. I know deep down that she couldn’t continue any longer and it was cruel for her to have to endure any more suffering. But that doesn’t stop me from desperately missing her. She was placed on a driver and after 11 hours she took her last breath. I will never forget that day for as long as I live. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact she’s gone. I’m 26 years old and I know that I’m lucky to have had such a wonderful mum, she was my best friend. But I can’t stand the idea that she was scared or aware of what was happening at the end. Some moments I feel ok, but then there’s guilt as I think I shouldn’t just be getting on with my life. I don’t want her to just be a memory, a figment of my imagination. I worry about my dad and brother and I’m trying my best to help but nothing can replace her or fill the void in my life.

Hi Cherry Blossom,

Condolences for the loss of your beautiful mum. I think many of us know what it is to feel guilt for our deceased loved ones’ last moments, and for seeming to get on with our lives. I have found that this does get different with time and support. Don’t be afraid to seek counselling if you need to - not that there’s anything wrong with you, Cherry Blossom, or the way you feel, but counsellors can help with additional burdens like guilt. It sounds like your mum really didn’t want to go, and neither did my husband. Cancer is a horrible, cruel disease.

I particularly relate to what you say about not wanting your mum to be “just a memory.” I think there are a lot of cliche’s around bereavement that tell us to “treasure the memory” of our loved one. But we want THEM, not a damn memory. I believe that your mum is much more than a memory, and she will always be with you. I know that doesn’t help much right now. Big ((((hugs)))))_ if okay.

Louise xo

Hi Louise,

Its nice to have someone understand.
I tried explaining this to my partner but he can’t truly relate or understand because he’s never been in this situation. I’ve read about the stages of grief and I’m aware that how I’m feeling is “normal” or part of the process, but I have all these thoughts and feelings and a hollow ache inside that nothing can fill.
I’m sorry about your husband, the truly sad thing about all of this is while my world has been rocked by mum’s passing I realise just how many other people are affected by loss and by cancer. It’s hideous. May I ask how long it’s been since you lost your husband?

I think I will see a counsellor as her last days were harrowing and I’m not sure I’ve really processed them; this all just feels like a bad dream and I’m on autopilot. I of course want to keep her memory alive but it makes me sad that she will be just that now.

I realised that I have voicemails on my phone from her and they’ve really helped, I can still hear her voice, even if I can’t talk to her.

Thanks for the kind words x