It’s a unique case in a lot of ways. Usually mental illness is the blame for suicide. But my boyfriend emotionally manipulated me every time things were not working out saying he would kill himself if I left him. I eventually found the courage to leave him despite his threats, I was no angel in this process. I admit I was not clear about what I wanted because of being such an empathetic person, I confused empathy for his suicidal tendencies with still having feelings for him. The last time he threatened me with his life I told him “do whatever you have to do, just please don’t ever talk to me again”. And he did… I don’t think I will ever get over it. Not only because I was a victim of abuse but because I feel guilty for not supporting him one last time to get help for his problems. Is there anyone else that has experienced something similar? I often feel so alone. Everyone that knew him only knew the good parts and they sing his high praises when he’s brought up in conversation. But I’m going through the angry stage… Like he ruined my life permanently and it makes me hate him sometimes. It’s a lonely place to be in because I was the only person who experienced this from him…
Thank you for sharing this experience with us and I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. This is a very difficult situation and it’s understandable that you feel so alone.
Have you spoken with anyone about what you’ve been through? I wonder if you would find it helpful to talk about it with someone who’s objective and who can give you the space to process what’s happened. Your GP would be able to advise you of any local services where you can find support or, alternatively, we offer free online bereavement counselling that you’d be more than welcome to register for. There’s more information about that here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling
We’re here to support you so do let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.
Take care of yourself,