Hi everyone.
Yesterday was the first anniversary of the death of my brother. He died aged 49, suddenly and unexpectedly, of sepsis. He’d been complaining of back pain and, although overweight and drinking too much, was not “ill”. He was due to start a new job in the week he died and had given notice on the flat he was renting so that he could move back to his home a few minutes away from where I live. Having called 111 feeling unwell with his back, he’d been checked over by paramedics who took him into hospital “just to check him over”. He was alone and so we don’t know the full details. It would seem that the doctors suspected an infection somewhere (a hair follicle on his leg was suggested), took him into theatre where he had a cardiac arrest. The hospital called my nephew (aged 19), with whom he lived, the next morning and he contacted me. By the time the 2 of us made it to the hospital my brother and best friend was on life support and he died 36 hours later having never regained consciousness. He was alone when he died.
My parents (divorced) were both away (separately) on holiday when I received the first call. My husband was at work and although he arrived only a couple of hours after me, with my parents joining us within 24 hours, I was alone with my nephew at the hospital when we were given the news that my brother was critically ill and taken to see him. I knew he would die (a very strong instinct) and immediately flipped into being the “strong coper” so I could look after my devastated nephew. Although I’ve showed a lot of emotion and have openly shared my devastation with the kids, I feel stuck in that strong role ever since. I have another sibling, a younger sister, who was estranged from most of the family. She did not respond to any calls or messages to come to see our brother nor did she come to the funeral and has not made any contact since.
As my nephew lived with my brother, it was natural that he should come and live with us in our home an hour away from where he had been living and had grown up. He has a complicated relationship with his Mum and she did not offer for him to be with her. Neither of my parents or any other family member offered either. My Dad told me “he needs an address” and it was clear that that would be with me. I live in a 3 bedroom house-and although my elder 2 children are currently studying away this is not a permanent arrangement which means that my daughters (age 22/23) have to share a room when they are home as we all knew it was important for my nephew, whom we all love very much, should have his own one.
My nephew has had a complicated childhood. He lived with his Mum, Step Dad and younger brothers until he was 16, spending every weekend and holidays with my brother with whom he was exceptionally close. There was trauma in his early years. His Mum and Dad were only together for a few years and did not have an amicable relationship. With his Mum, my nephew lived in a vast number of places and as a family ended in emergency accommodation which is when he moved in with my brother. I have never fallen out with his Mum nor spoken badly of her as I know my nephew loves her. We have had only limited contact by text in the last year. She has had a baby since my brother died and has told me that this baby came at the right time for her….that’s hard for me when I’m deeply grieving and caring for her son at the same time. He is a wonderful young man but it’s been very hard. My Dad offers some advice and a little support but essentially my husband and I have been left as his sole carers. That’s a lot with a grieving young man who hadn’t worked for the whole of the last year and who has found himself landed in a very different kind of family to the one he grew up in. My husband and I also had to clear my brother’s flat, organise a huge funeral, complete probate and sort all my brother’s affairs-which is ongoing as we move to tackle a mortgaged property he had rented out without any kind of tenancy agreement. We both work as teachers and also have to look after our own-grieving-kids who adored their Uncle. The strain on our relationship is really starting to show.
I feel very let down by so many of my friends. It’s really quite shocking how few people really have been there. The focus from most people has always felt like it’s on my nephew and my parents who I see very rarely. I feel so alone and, on the year anniversary yesterday, I began to feel a sense of complete overwhelm. I love my nephew so much and truly I want him to be with us as I know it’s the best place for him but it’s a huge responsibility and I feel a sense of anger that no one is able to support us in any way despite the fact I have told my parents how hard it is. My grief has barely had a look in the last year although I’m lucky to have some counselling through work and some supportive colleagues. My brother was such a popular man so yesterday seemed full of other people having the luxury of doing things to mark the date-balloons being let off, roses planted, social media announcements and him being toasted. We, on the other hand, spent the day washing (my nephew is yet to master the heavy load he creates!), driving him to various places and then coming home to crash out-with just a short window for us to raise a glass with our nephew in the pub next to where my brother had been living. Even then….it was all about my nephew….my grief gets sucked down…….