This January my brother was found dead in the canal just down the road from my Mums house.
I can’t explain the devastation it’s caused. He was only 41 years old.
He was the eldest of 5. I’m in the middle.
We were so close growing up. He was my absolute hero.
He had a challenging life. He was gay and didn’t come out until he was 21. Soon after coming out he found a lump and was diagnosed with testicular cancer.
He recovered but it was long journey to get there.
Soon after his recovery he met his partner who he was with for almost 18 years.
It was very toxic relationship which became very abusive. My brother turned to alcohol a lot. This went on for years and no one seemed to be able to help. Quite often he would argue with his partner and want to come home. So he would walk in the dark along the canal back to the village my mum and gran lived. This time he didn’t make it home.
I’m devastated. Everyone is. But it’s becoming unbearable to cope with at times. I can’t except I won’t ever see him again. I can literally hear him giggling in my head. How can he just be gone? It all feels impossible to cope with.
I have 3 young kids and I barely have time to get my head around any of this. So it keeps hitting me very hard out of no where. I’m not sure how life will ever feel free of clouds ever again.
I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your brother. It sounds like this was so devastating and shocking for you and your family. I can see you’re new to the community, and I hope that you find it to be a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
You mention that you have 3 young kids and barely any time to get your head around your loss. I wanted to ask if you had considered counselling for yourself? This might give you some headspace, and a place where you can talk freely, about anything, that’s just for you. Sue Ryder offer free Online Bereavement Counselling, which is held via video chat. If that sounds like something you might want to explore, you can find out more here: https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
The Compassionate Friends support families who have experienced the death a child, no matter what age they were. This includes support for siblings, like you, who have lost a brother or sister.
You can find out more about the support they offer siblings here: https://www.tcf.org.uk/ftb-siblings/
I have had a little counselling. Just before he died I was having counselling for a difficult birth I had gone through. They were very good and extended my counselling following my brothers death. However I worry it was too early. I don’t think I was ready. I think I was still massively in shock.