December 26, 2024 is the day my brother died. He went into the hospital Christmas Eve. He was having breathing problems. He had had the same breathing problems twice before and. always got discharged. I knew this time was different but maybe I was in denial that this time would be the same and he would be discharged, I called the hospital and got permission to visit him on Christmas. My boyfriend at the time came Christmas Eve. I checked the weather for Christmas. It was below freezing. I asked him for a ride. Christmas Day came me and my youngest daughter asked him to bring us. He said he had been driving all week and didn’t feel like driving. I tried to walk there it was too cold for her. It was freezing. I turned around and came home. I will never forgive myself for not braving the single digit weather I hate myself for not showing up. Two days past when I didn’t hear from him I thought he must’ve been upset with me for not showing up as my youngest and I were walking to the store. I said let me just make sure there is no obituary, still thinking out in denial that there would be one I googled his name and there it was, my brother’s obituary. He was gone forever and right there in the middle of the street I fell to the ground. I knew it was bad, but I don’t know if it was denial, but I thought he was coming home. I missed his funeral. I have no vehicle to even visit his grave. I struggle every single day because I feel so lost without my brother my best friend my everything. We were not just brother and sister but best friends. We fought all the time but were always there for each other no matter what. To all those stricken by grief and the pain I am so sorry and I understand what you’re going through. I’m sorry for your loss.