I lost my brother shortly after new year. My brother had cerebral palsy since birth, so I’ve never known anything different in my life. He was non verbal and needed 24hour care. Child hood was often a little lonely, with focus on my brother for his needs, however as his sister I was often protective of him, and did whatever I could to help. In his adult life he moved to a wonderful residential place. At first this was something I struggled with, but as I learnt to let go I was supported by the place he went, them telling me I could visit him whenever I wanted or needed. Life went on. My brother seemed to improve, doing more for himself than I ever remembered at home!
He was diagnosed with his first cancer in early 2025, then 6 months after the devastating news came that it was terminal. I tired to prepare myself for things that were going to come, and visited every other day. Until run up to Christmas where he seemed to go down hill. He stopped eating, then drinking, and we watched him decline. Lost weight, was really sleepy. The place he was in did EVERYTHING they could possibly do, including bringing a hospital bed into his room, and were adamant he would stay at his home surrounded by his things and people he recognised. I went everyday to see him. Sadly he passed away early Jan.
I’m finding this hard, hard to process as I knew it was coming, but also with his disabilities people comment differently saying “well he will be normal in heaven”.
We had a bond, like I knew what he was trying to say and he knew when I was sad, lonely, upset or really happy. I could see it in his eyes. Our bond was unique.
While mom and dad crack on with arrangements I feel like I’m on the sidelines, then feel guilty for feeling that way, and then a whole black pit of sadness flows over me.
I feel like I should step back and let my parents do and plan how to say the final goodbye, but I feel that they don’t see me and the fact that I’m really really struggling with what feels like I’ve been left on my own. At least when he was here I had someone who knew me, now I don’t. I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by my own family. It doesn’t help when I’m told “there’s only you now”. I don’t want to be a “brat” as I’m so not that, I have a son and I couldn’t bring myself to ever understand what loosing him would be like. I just feel like the trusty side board, you know it’s there as it takes up space, and is only useful when it’s needed.
Blimey does any of this make any sense?