Thank you very much for your kind reply Shaun. Some friends have been great listeners but some have totally backed off or said there having a busy week which makes me angry as you make time for those you want to make time for. I expected friends at my door and inviting me for walks and things to but no one has been at my door but one friend has me to stay which is lovely I fort I had loads of friends but I’ve only got some true ones. Yes I defiantly feel disconnected from myself and one of my friends said to me I tried more than any friend she knows with a parent and how I forgave my dad and saw him and how I’m a good person for that and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I still feel guilty and I don’t know why. Thank you work will go ok I work supporting disabled people so the distraction will be good and some of my staff are like mums to me at work so I’m sure there go easy on me. I hope u are ok to and you sleep well thank you again for your soft kind words
Shaun I totally get what you are saying about feeling disconnected from the world. I was thinking this last night. I moved to Cornwall last year and I constantly walked around in amazement at the utter beauty of where I lived. The beaches the sunsets. My view from my bedroom window is beautiful. Since mum died I’ve not looked at it at all. It’s like I’m walking around with really dark sunglasses on. I see. But I don’t look. I hardly ever look out my window anymore unless I’m looking at the sky wondering where my mum is.
Hi Elle
I havent responded before as I could see shaun, daffy and joules have been chatting with you. All 3 have been great support to me in my day to day struggles since losing my mum. You will be in shock over what happened to your dad but him cleaning up his life, getting a lovely flat and getting you a sofa bed to stay on shows how much he loved you and was positive for the future.
If you really cant face work you can get signed off by your GP. I could barely function when my mum died suddenly from a brain hemorrhage in june and was off sick for 12 weeks. Going back to work slowly has rebuilt my confidence and is helping to repair me although I still worry about the effect on my mental health. I cry alot and have very little patience. I have alot of bitterness and anger inside me too. I’ve always been a half glass empty person anyway but now I rarely smile or think positively and I’m always terrified there is more bad news to come.
I bet my cheery response has really brightened your day 
It’s very early days for you, look after yourself and just take things day by day. That’s probably the best advice I was given.
Cheryl x
Thank you so much yes I agree I get really angry over small things and how friends arnt on my doorstep etc I get mad at them for not reaching out as I feel alone. I haven’t got out of bed the last two days but I am going to try and face work tomorow as it will be a good distraction and if I can’t do it then I think I will get signed off if tomorrow is to much. My friend has invited me to stay with her tomorow for some days as she’s working from home I am tempted to go there instead. I don’t know what the right thing to do is right now. I haven’t got much energy but what I have to think is I must live on for my dad and I must achieve and do well and live my life and run this marathon and start training I’m giving myself time to be sluggish tho as I can’t be bothered to do to much
I know Elle but bit by bit you will get that energy back. I’m back running in the gym and I try to remember when the energy returned to do it. June july and August were terrible but by week September I noticed that I didn’t drag my feet everywhere i went. The human body is amazing at protecting us from trauma and then slowly recovering from it. Have a few days at your friends. It will be nice x
A few people have mentioned the effect of grief upon mental health. This area concerns me to, as it could so easily lead to a severe downward spiral. It would be so easy to have a breakdown. When I was doing some research online re grief it seemed to suggest the depression has nothing to do with grief. Well it feels like it to me. I know that I normally struggle through the winter months due to SAD. This year is going to be a nightmare. During, the early hours of the morning my thought process is all over the place. Completely, scrambled.
I know what you mean. Sorry you have to go through this in the early hours I don’t putting on an old simple movie helps very quietly in the background. Today I’ve felt like what’s the point in life like we are here for what just to die and the people that do die that we bound with just leave us suffering like what is the point in it all. We go through all this in life to die and to make memories we cannot take with us. I’m usually positive and I do think it’s normal to get depressed with grief from what I’ve looked up it’s in the 5 stages. I’m going into work tommorow hoping the sense of normality will help.
I hope so I really hope so. I definitely will get back into my running. I have a marathon in April to train for that il do for my dad. I have fallen out with a friend in fact we have both agreed the friendship is over she says she’s to tired to talk to me about my dad dying as she’s tired from uni. She’s fobbed me off for a while now but my dad dying I fort she would be there she’s meant to be a councillor. She isn’t a friend and the messages she sent were cold and not nice. Some friends haven’t been kind this year as it is. I’m just going to concentrate on the ones who do care they say u can only count your true friends on one hand right!
Here I am again writing messages when I should be going to bed! I’m impressed you are going to do a marathon next year. That is definitely a worthy goal and a real challenge. I used to do a lot of running but that stopped once I broke my leg doing it! These days I must do more exercise as both that and my eating has gone down hill a bit over the last few weeks. I’m slowly getting back some of my interest in getting out and walking again but it’s hard re-establishing a habit like that.
I’ve said this before somewhere and please don’t take this the wrong way but I tend adopt a simplistic view of life and that is there is no point to it. That may sound negative but to me it is not and it frees me up to enjoy what is important and that is friends, family and doing enjoyable things with friends and family. Life is short and we all know that, so with that in mind I may as well enjoy it as much as possible and enrich the lives of those around me in the process. I consider myself a deep thinker and sometimes that gets me into trouble and then leads me back to utter confusion about the meaning of it all and why we lose people we love.
I don’t have loads of friends and I don’t think you need loads of friends. What I do have are some good friends and that’s what is important. Those are the ones who will stand by you at these times and not judge you. Don’t make huge efforts to hold onto the ones who are not worth it, your mental health doesn’t need the extra stress.
As for the 5 stages of grief, I think we can all agree it, the order goes something like this, 1,2,3,5,4,2,3,5,3,4,2,5…and then you can throw in some extra stages for the fun of it. I’ve no idea what stage I’m at, I’ll tell you tomorrow. Best wishes for your work routine.
Hi Daffy,
I’m always concerned about my mental health. I’ve been some very dark roads in the past and I was determined after those experiences never to go there again. I think depression has a lot to do with grief. We shouldn’t be afraid to talk about depression as it’s a normal response. The way I see depression is that we as human beings have various psychological needs to keep us balanced and happy. Take away of of those needs and we end up being depressed. In this case it’s our loved ones so depression should not be unexpected.
I found this article an interesting read some time ago, long before I lost my mum, https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections
Sadly, the reason I was reading this some time ago was because my mum was suffering from depression and I foolishly thought I could get to the root cause and fix the problem. I know it’s not as simple as that and it pained me a great deal that I couldn’t help. It still bothers me to this day and for that I still apologise.
hi Elle
so sorry for the loss of your father.You sound like a very level headed young lady whose been to hell and back through your life.And after reconnecting with your dad this tragedy of losing him.Hopefully you will get support from and support your brothers.You will hopefully find a way to cope and live through this very emotionally sad time.
My dad died of cancer in 2006 I had 2 brothers and my mum.but it was my partner Jayne who helped me,her love of me and mine of her was a big factor in me being able to cope.Sadly for me Jayne passed away feb this year and my world as collapsed around me.
Ihope for your sake that family and friends reach out and give you all the time and support you need.
regards
ian
My understanding re grief is that it isnt depression as depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain whereas grief is just that…grief over the loss of our mums.
Having said that I have never been depressed in my 48 years but in the last few months this is the closest to depression I can imagine. I feel a dark cloud hanging over me all the time and cry out if the blue. I have even been thinking about anti depressants and I would never consider medication under normal circumstances.
And I agree with Shaun, I dont think there is a point to life.i think you are here the once and just have to try and have a good time, and live a good one.
The finality of mum gone is probably what I find the hardest.
I also find life pointless even more so now. I do feel I’m going down a very dark hole. I had post natal depression/psychosis after my son was born 12 years ago. And they put me on medication which I’m still on as I can’t get off them. I don’t want to up the dosage as I Feel I need to feel the grief. I’m only on a low dosage now. I think it’s taken the edge off to the point I can get out of bed and go to work and socialise sometimes. I feel so lonely though and isolated. Even though I have people around me.
So here we are again, 12 weeks today and another groundhog day. I decided to go out for a brisk walk but of course it was dominated by thoughts of the past and present. I was trying really hard not to think about that final day again. Even the route itself had thoughts associated with it as it was a route I’d often walked with my mum whilst chatting about all sorts of nonsense. That whole disbelief thing really got me as I was walking. What is it with that? It won’t leave me alone.
You mentioned the chemical imbalance in the brain Cheryl. I’m pretty sure I notice that during the course of the day or week. It’s weird, Sometimes my mood can shift very rapidly either to a very bad general feeling to a much lighter feeling and vice versa. It’s not a particular emotion as such but more a general feeling or good or bad and I’m sure that’s down to brain chemistry. Am I depressed? I’ve no idea. What I do know is that grief really screws around with my head.
Joules, that feeling of being lonely and isolated I can empathise with. It’s a strange one too, being around people indoors or outside and yet still feeling alone in your own world watching life getting on around you. They all have no idea do they? I know what you mean about feeling the need to grieve. I feel I need to as well and that if I don’t feel it now then I’ll pay the price later.
Shaun,
I have followed your posts since the first time you wrote a message here. I admire the way you have coped when you so obviously idolised your mum. Grief is, in my opinion, the worst emotion we humans can experience, in fact some animals go through the same. It is impossible to go over grief, round it and under it, we have to go through it. I hope that you do not mind my saying this.
Blessings,
MaryL