I’m 31 and my dad who died last week was 56. My dad came back into my life 3 years ago after 12 years of not seeing him as he was an alcoholic and not the best role model as a child which affected my mental health. I reached out to my dad and we have bonded so well with dinners and lovely moments and even when he was here I felt guilty as I always saw sadness deep in his eyes and worried about him even when he said he’s fine! My dad finally got a lovely flat he wanted and cut way back on alcohol and turned his life around and I loved him so much. My dad was found dead in his flat by the police last Monday and I’m still waiting to see what day he died and how! What killed him which the autopsy will tell me how. I cleaned out his flat with my brothers Thursday and we are arranging his funeral he didn’t have a will but we are arranging it knowing what he would have wanted. My dad just recently got a sofa bed for me to stay but I never did get to stay and the first time I saw he’s clean tidy almost clinical lovely flat was when I needed to move all his stuff out of it. I’m feeling so much guilt and I felt guilty when he was alive but way more now. I am late for my menstrual cycle which I know is due to stress. I keep visualising him dying and was he in pain and he was alone in his flat when he died. I hope he wasn’t in pain. I keep getting out of body experiences about life and how you can just die and how I will never be able to get to his destination as he has no destination any more. My friends say I’m being strong but I think I’m just in shock still. I feel so sad I didn’t get to say goodbye and I worry how my mental health is going to be down the line and how I’m going to be after the funeral is done. I can’t believe he’s gone and I wish I could of said goodbye. I hope he knew I loved him so much and forgave him. I keep blaming myself and I can’t snap out of it. I feel like everything is a daze to.
I know it’s life and I’m going to have to just get by and go back to work soon but how do I just get on with it?!
Thank you for reading this
Elle, I think the funeral will be a good chance to say goodbye. U can even write him a letter saying all that you wanted to and put it in his pocket. It’s a blessing that u got to know and love him before he passed and know that he will always be a part of u. X
Thank you that’s a good idea. I don’t know how il get to put that in his pocket but I will write a letter anyway. Thank you for helping
I’m sorry for your loss. My Mum passed away 6 weeks ago and i too blame myself for so much. The truth is there was no way we can predict the loss of a loved one. Additionally, life is not perfect and we can have complex and difficult relationships with loved ones. My Mum died suddenly. I talk to my Mum. I tell her how I feel. I say everything I want to say. It makes me cry but it gets it off my chest. I get intense crying when i speak to her sometimes. I’m going to keep talking to her until, I don’t feel it’s necessary. On bad days you can only take it hour by hour. It’s going to take time to come to terms with it all.
Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss to. How we never got to say goodbye but it’s great you have found a way that helps you and gives you that time to let it out. I spoke to my dad the other day when I was cleaning out his flat and it helped. It’s very surreal isn’t it and I have moments ware I forget he’s gone then it hits me. I know it’s going to get harder before it gets better. I think it’s good to do things that help us and your right to take moment by moment. Thank you for your advice
Yes, it does hit. It’s dreadful. There seems to be no easy route through grief.
So sorry to read about your loss Elle. I was just thinking this morning when I looked out of the window. The world has turned again, the sun is up, another day. All appears normal except someone is missing from this day and my life. Nothing is normal in my world and I can’t get my brain to accept this properly.
I lost my mum suddenly 11 weeks ago. I was with her at the end as was my wife and daughter as we were all on holiday at the time. It was unexpected and all happened in the space of an hour or two and as such I am struggling to process why everything happened the way it did and why my life is now the way it is. I have unpleasant images of that day I cannot shift and every now and then relive in my mind hoping I could change the outcome. Guilt is a normal part of grief and i have it in buckets. So many things I could have done differently but will never get the chance, am I stupid? I am not surprised you are in a daze. My first few weeks I was in a daze with massive shock, so much to process and it takes time. I worried about my mental health too and what things would be like in the future. As others will tell you, take each day or hour as it comes, there is no rush, this will take a while and you are among some really nice people here.
I went back to work after about 3 weeks. I didn’t get any work done though but I thought I’d try and make my life normal again. I’m still not that effective in my job like I used to be but then I’m not that happy carefree person I used to be either. That’s why I’m here trying to make sense of it all and sharing my experience with others in ways I simply cannot with anyone else.
I have no doubt that everything feels a bit of a blur right now with the upcoming funeral so I really wish you well with this initial stage.
Shaun x
Guilt is my enemy and I carry it every day. Sorry for your loss. It’s absolutely awful. It sounds like you had a loving relationship with your dad when he got himself sober. Alcohol is a terrible addiction it ruins families and lives. I know of 4 people who were estranged from their dads because of alcohol. I hope you continue to focus on the positives. From which you had lots of in the last 3 years. I know it’s Easier said than done.
I could drive myself insane with gilt. Just saying the word ‘remorse’ will make me cry. It’s so easy to focus upon where we perhaps failed, rather than all the good we did.
None of us are perfect and how could we expect it all to end so suddenly.
I go every aspect of our relationship. Every word that I might have said that could have hurt or upset her. I can’t let it go. Because. Normally I would say to my mum”sorry about the other day”. Now I can’t say anything.
Daffy you are so right. We are all human. We are not saints. With are human with human emotions and faults. How do we let the guilt go and move forward
Daffy and joules,
My guilt is actually not as intense as it was. Perhaps my deep grief and sadness have taken over or perhaps my mind accepts that I did everything for my mum. I couldn’t see into the future. How did I know she was so ill? She never said she had symptoms other than her usual arthritic pains and aches. I had the shock of my life when she told the doctor in a and e that she had a headache, hadnt eaten for 2 days, hadnt slept and couldn’t move her left arm. Lots of typical stroke symptoms. I was with my partner when he specifically asked mum all those questions and she point blank said no, I feel fine.
What more could I do if she wouldn’t tell the truth? My mum knows how much i loved her and your mums know too.
This wont help our intense sense of loss and heartache I know but we have to stop the guilt. It’s going to make us ill x
The truth is most people argue, but we usually get time to smooth in over, to say sorry and go back to normal. If someone dies unexpectedly, we don’t always get time to get back to normal. I’m sure if the positions were reversed, they’d probably have regrets too. It’s a dreadful situation. It’s heart breaking, but somehow we’ve just got to tell ourselves that failures and mistakes are a part of life. Nobody, is perfect. Life is stressful and most of us say things we should not. They would tell us that none of that mattered and that all that mattered was the love. They’d also want us to look after ourselves.
My heart feels broken. Your right there is a danger that it could all makes us ill. You are probably aware that there something called ‘broken heart syndrome’. It doesn’t just happen to old people. It’s 7 weeks, today since my Mum passed away, In recent, weeks I’ve treated myself very gently. The shock has been dreadful. I don’t want to talk to people about it, except on here. I think I’m in denial. I’m actually hiding from some people.
Unfortunately, there is no escape from this grief. i think it’s going to take me years to recover from my Mum’s loss. If ever. She was the strongest and closest relationship I ever had.
I found out that any form of relaxation, including meditation is good for the body when you are going through grief. I think there is a dire need to take away stress from the body. I have a partner but I feel very alone in this grief, except from on here when I read other peoples posts.
I think I’m a bit more in control of my emotions than I was. There is no escape from grief that is true and I’m never going to stop missing my mum for the rest of my days. I have a lot of guilt but I’ve come to realise that no matter how guilty I feel, I cannot change what has happened. I wasn’t the perfect son. I doubt you’d expect me to say otherwise, my mum would have said I was perfect but I know deep down I could have done better for a number of reasons. All that I can do is wreck my own mental well being if I’m not careful and I can easily do that. The sense of longing for the past and the strong desire to speak to, touch, smell my mum has not faded and this morning I was overwhelmed with the heartache of not being able to do that again. That feeling is hard to describe. Mum dominates my thoughts during the day but I try to limit my exposure to those raw emotions that would otherwise eat me up all day. I think I’m doing ok but I cannot avoid all the reminders that can sneak up without warning. I think I’m rambling which I know I’m good at! You ask me how I’m feeling this time tomorrow and you’ll get a different answer, I that about sums me up day to day.
Thank you Shaun. I’m so sorry for your loss to and I hope you are ok. It’s a crazy time isn’t it and I hope you have support around you and your doing ok. I feel very numb and like it’s not actually happened and he’s still alive and last week was just an awful bad dream and then it hits me he’s gone and my tummy hurts and I feel anxious. I feel like I should of seen him more and did he know I loved him. It’s freaking me out that we can just die and what’s life about we spend most of our lives working and not always being happy to then just dying and how we are here then we are not. Tonight is my first night alone since I found out he died and I feel anxious and scared. I live in my own little place and I also feel some friends arnt there for me and having reached out to me since. Some are very selfish and I’m always there for them but they haven’t called me. Some have been lovely on the phone. It makes me feel more alone. I have fort for a while I need to get rid of some friendships as they have been selfish. I looked outside tonight and felt like an out of body experience like we are in a world like us humans and we can just die and what’s it all about. My dads Life was cut to short. I have been off work for a week and a half but I am going back Thursday. Thank you for reading and I hope your ok to
Thank you for your message. I just hope he knew I loved him and I’m so glad I got him back in my life yes the guilt eats me up and I wish I could tell him I love him. It’s scaring me the fort of life and death lately and how I can’t process he’s gone.
Yes I know what you mean I’m going over things in my head and what I didn’t say and what I did say or the last time I saw him I should of treated him to dinner and how it was his birthday but he treated me and how I should of done more. I think tho we did what we could and we live our lives and share our love and time out to everyone we care for and how we did what we could. Grief is crazy and i wish I could bring all those people we have lost back into our lives
I’m so sorry you feel like this as you were so close to your mum. It’s so difficult and it’s a very awful time have you fort about bereavement counselling? Someone to talk to especially as you feel you don’t want to talk to people like friends. Also finding a new hobby or exercise? I’m going to get back into my running soon I have a marathon in April so I’m going to use this pain to run with my heart for my dad. It’s so painful and hard to accept isn’t it
Just thought I’d quickly reply before going to bed. Nobody on these forums sees this but I often read stories from people and they describe what they are feeling and thinking and I find myself nodding in agreement as I read. So many things connect with my own experiences even though the stories can be so different to my own. That’s why I like sharing and discussing here.
This is one of those awful times when as the saying goes, you find out who your real friends are. Some friends might not be that close, some might not be able to deal with your emotions or know what to say to you and try to distance themselves. Some friends are lovely and may have been through some similar experience themselves. Hold on to those friends and embrace them and accept offers of support. I readlily accepted offers of going out for a walk and I didn’t feel any pressure about what I wanted to or could talk about. Real friends are good listeners. That’s what I will always try to be if someone needs me.
Times are crazy, the feeling of disbelief is a common one as is the horrible roller coaster ride which keeps reminding you what has happened even though you don’t need reminding. I have pondered a lot about what life is about and realised that life is very fragile. How can someone be here one minute and gone the next? What’s that about? If you are feeling guilty then I think everyone here will tell you they have felt the same at some point, I certainly do. I could have been a better son and I can justify my reasoning.
I have described before the feeling of looking out a window into the world and everything is normal except inside the room with my window. It’s almost like I’ve been disconnected with the rest of the world and I don’t know how to be part of it anymore.
I hope your return to work goes ok. Don’t expect too much of yourself and I hope not too much is expected of you. I was pretty useless when I started back at work. Still am pretty rubbish.
I hope you manage a peaceful night and sleep well.