My dad died

Coping with bereavement
1

Hello,

I’m new. My dad died on Tuesday, nearly a week ago. He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2020 and had surgery and radiotherapy. The doctors told us he would be cured.

In April my dad developed lower back pain which we thought was sciatica. The pain got worse and after having a private MRI scan in September we found out he had metestatic cancer to the spine, rib and skull.

The ENT consultant told us that it would not be related to the throat cancer and investigations began to find the primary source.

My dad was given morphine pills which sent him agitated and he ended up in the hospital for nearly two weeks with confusion. Dad hated being in the hospital and asked everyday to come home but I told him that he needed to get better. A bone marrow biopsy was also completed.

At the end of October dad was discharged from hospital and for a few days he seemed to improve which was a great relief but his appetite soon dropped off and he became confused and agitated again.

I got a call 10 days ago to say that the cancer in the bones was related to the throat cancer and the following day the GP referred dad to hospice. The doctor at the hospice said the confusion could not be reversed and he died on Tuesday. 8 weeks after we were informed it was cancer. Myself, my brother and my mum were with him when he passed away.

My insides feel like they have been ripped out, I can’t stop thinking that I did not see how Ill he was and I should have better protected and prepared him for what was to come.

My dad was 70 years old and an active, smart and loving father. He is my greatest joy in life and he and I were the closest in the family. As I got older we became best friends and I would see him and speak to him multiple times a day. I love him so much and I can’t bare the thought of life without him.

I see no hope of a future which makes each day without him feel so empty. My mum and dad were married for 50 years and my mum has no idea how to manage any aspects of life on her own. I am trying to help but even time with her feels like there is a huge void and dad is missing.

I wish it would just end so I could be with my dad again. I feel like I am I a hole so deep I’ll never get out of it and every new day feels like a step further away from him which fills me with sadness and regret. I feel tormented by his passing and the short time it took from diagnosis to death. I feel that the pain meds caused his confusion and when he went into hospice he was sedated and then became to unwell to eat and drink. I worry that we could have had him longer if he hasn’t have been admitted despite family telling me this is not the case.

I don’t know why I am posting on here. I just want to talk about him and have no outlet to do so.

I am sorry to anyone going through loss or hard times. Thanks,
Xx

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Hi Katherine,
I know how you feel, I lost my Dad on the 1st June. We only knew he was ill for 16 days before he died, yet there were warning signs earlier on, we just didn’t understand them and even though he saw a GP, they dismissed them. I feel terrible guilt for not doing more for him. He told me he wasn’t ready to go but eventually gave into that fact, even though I tried to keep him hoping. He was desperate to go home and he never got to.
You can not give up hope or thoughts of a future. That is the last thing in the world he would want. All you can do is take one day at a time and keep plodding on. It still breaks my heart everyday and I cry all the time but I won’t give up. Keep smiling, keep marching on and make him proud. Lots of love to you xx

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Hi Lexi,

Thank you for your response. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. It must have been incredibly difficult to lose your dad so soon after finding out he was unwell.

I understand the guilt, my dad said that he thought he would have more time but unlike myself I think he quickly became resigned to the fact that he would pass away quickly. I, on the other hand was looking for ways that his life could have been extended and despite me moving back in with him and mum when this happened he would often ask me to get off my phone as I desperately researched what could help. I feel guilty for that.

My dad wanted to die at home but mum and I could not look after him properly as he was agitated and would keep getting up which wasn’t safe. The week that he went into hospice and he stopped eating and drinking I would tell him he needed to do these things and it is only now that I realised he was dying.

I don’t understand why my dad’s body shut down as he did not have cancer in the organs which confuses me. We have the celebrant coming out today to sort out the funeral and I feel in dread of talking about dad as every reminder makes me burst into tears. I have woke up crying again and dreading the day ahead. I feel like running away.

Dad told me to be strong and take over his role and I know he would hate to see me like this. I am 36 years old but none of my friends have lost parents yet it feels incredibly isolating. I will keep trying as you suggest as I know this is what he would want.

Sending lots of love.
Xxx

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So sorry for your loss , you are not alone, my dad last February so its coming up to a year without him but it still feels so raw.I watched my dad fight parkinsons disease for 18 years and the last 5 were very hard. I thought i was taking is death ok until 5 months after it hit me like a ton of bricks. I ad a massive panic attack and thats when i think my roller coaster of grief began.I had anxiety problems and ended up in a and e ,but as soon as you tell them your grieving they can’t really do anything to help only give you some paperwork to read about grief. I was feeling so bad i went to see the gp and he put me on antidepressants and beta blockers ,i looked at nhs Counciling but the waiting list was about 5 months so i paid myself to see a psychotherapist and since then iv tried cbt and bereavement Counciling which as helped even if its just someone to talk to about what your feeling.I would try and not take the antidepressants as the side affects are terrible until they do aventually work and you find the one that suits you best.They say time is a great healer but in grief it isn’t true things don’t get better ,but you will learn a way to live without your dad just like i am still trying to do ,the pain you are feeling is a gauge of how much you loved your dad and how much he loved you too.Stay close to your family and you will slowly find a place were you can manage the loss of your dad. But remember the grief rollercoaster only as 1 seat and thats yours.xx

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Hi Rooney10,

I’m very sorry for the loss of your father.

It’s incredibly difficult to lose a parent. I have always been very close to my parents, my brother lives abroad whereas I live 5 minutes from them. My dad and mum were my favourite people to spend time with. Dad’s first cancer diagnosis in 2020 braught us even closer and then when he was diagnosed with it again in September last year I cared for him for the weeks leading up to his passing. Dad’s passing has left a huge void in our lives.

I’m sorry to hear about the grief hitting you a few months down the line. It has only been two and a half months since my dad died but the grief is very unpredictable and disorienting. I have come through other things in life and normally have healthy coping strategies but in this situation nothing eases the pain. Dad and I had the same GP who was involved with his care and when I spoke to her after he passed away she said my grief reaction was normal.

I am speaking to a councellor once a week which I do find beneficial as i want to talk about my dad. This week has felt incredibly difficult which feels daunting as although I feel sad everyday it’s not always as intense as it has been over the past 7 days. It was dad’s birthday in Jan, it’s my mum’s birthday next week and then mine later in feb. I think this is pulling out more sadness as it will be difficult to have no birthday wishes or card from him this year.

I am still struggling with feelings of anger and confusion as to why it happened when dad was always so healthy it just feels like our world has been torn apart. I may speak to the GP at some point but I think I need to just allow myself to feel sad, keep busy and keep trying. I don’t think there is a quick fix or escape from this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think the pain being a guage of love is very true.

I hope you are doing ok. It must be difficult to be nearing the one year without your dad. Here if you ever want to chat.
Xx