I’m new. My dad died on Tuesday, nearly a week ago. He was diagnosed with throat cancer in 2020 and had surgery and radiotherapy. The doctors told us he would be cured.
In April my dad developed lower back pain which we thought was sciatica. The pain got worse and after having a private MRI scan in September we found out he had metestatic cancer to the spine, rib and skull.
The ENT consultant told us that it would not be related to the throat cancer and investigations began to find the primary source.
My dad was given morphine pills which sent him agitated and he ended up in the hospital for nearly two weeks with confusion. Dad hated being in the hospital and asked everyday to come home but I told him that he needed to get better. A bone marrow biopsy was also completed.
At the end of October dad was discharged from hospital and for a few days he seemed to improve which was a great relief but his appetite soon dropped off and he became confused and agitated again.
I got a call 10 days ago to say that the cancer in the bones was related to the throat cancer and the following day the GP referred dad to hospice. The doctor at the hospice said the confusion could not be reversed and he died on Tuesday. 8 weeks after we were informed it was cancer. Myself, my brother and my mum were with him when he passed away.
My insides feel like they have been ripped out, I can’t stop thinking that I did not see how Ill he was and I should have better protected and prepared him for what was to come.
My dad was 70 years old and an active, smart and loving father. He is my greatest joy in life and he and I were the closest in the family. As I got older we became best friends and I would see him and speak to him multiple times a day. I love him so much and I can’t bare the thought of life without him.
I see no hope of a future which makes each day without him feel so empty. My mum and dad were married for 50 years and my mum has no idea how to manage any aspects of life on her own. I am trying to help but even time with her feels like there is a huge void and dad is missing.
I wish it would just end so I could be with my dad again. I feel like I am I a hole so deep I’ll never get out of it and every new day feels like a step further away from him which fills me with sadness and regret. I feel tormented by his passing and the short time it took from diagnosis to death. I feel that the pain meds caused his confusion and when he went into hospice he was sedated and then became to unwell to eat and drink. I worry that we could have had him longer if he hasn’t have been admitted despite family telling me this is not the case.
I don’t know why I am posting on here. I just want to talk about him and have no outlet to do so.
I am sorry to anyone going through loss or hard times. Thanks,