My dad has died

I found my dad on the 30/11/16
He was my life. My mother left when I was 3 and somehow he managed to bring me and my sister up alone. He was the most amazing man. He was wise, compassionate and truly the best dad ever.
The day I found him the world ended for me. It’s been 18 days and I feel numb. I can’t think straight. I panic and get really anxious and I’m so scared of life without him. I believe in God and I believe he’s in heaven. He was a devout catholic and if he didn’t get into heaven I fear for the rest of us. He suffered so very much in his life and that haunts me. I pray he’s at peace now.
I feel crazy admittting I keep smelling his aftershave. I wake and for a split second I can smell it. Then it’s gone. I walk into a room and the smell is there but gone so quickly. I’m not sure if I’m losing my mind.
But I know he loved me as much as I loved him. I’m scared and I feel so lost. I don’t know how to get through this. Part of me wants to fall asleep and not wake up but for my family i cannot let them feel the pain I feel. I know he wants me to keep them safe and be to them what he was to me.
There is no pain like this. X

Hi im very sorry for your loss (i also believer in God ) The smelling of his aftershasve no your not going mad .Think of number 1 take it day by day your suffering enough without thinking of shielding your family from Pain .Are you a catholic ? (i jused to be 1 ) Religion and death of my soulmate are not inter twind at the moment .Have you seen your GP? i would advise you do . tbh im not going to comment or ask if you pray .Do look after yourself try to sleep and try to take a break from your nightmare .Because it will still be there tomorrow .Ihope ive helped Colin (57)

Hello Nicola

So sorry you’ve just last your dad, he does sound like an amazing man to bring you and your sister up on his own. This is a good place to share your pain but I do think you need to share it with your family too and that the more you try to cope emotionally on your own the more you will panic. If you choose to share with your family, perhaps especially your sister, and perhaps with someone at CRUSE or the Samaritans or your GP, then that choice will give some measure of control over your panic. I know it won’t stop the pain but you might not feel so much at its mercy. Your family are no doubt feeling pain in their own way and perhaps want to share what you are all feeling together. That sharing would I’m sure not just be the pain but the love you shared with your father too, and I’m also sure that he would, being a believer, totally understand. Helen, my wife, had a tough last few weeks which haunt me, especially as I was in denial and making things worse, but I am sure you did everything you could for your dad. Whilst his being in heaven is not being with you, you haven’t lost him, you still feel the love he had for you and you still have the love you have for him. I’m no expert but I am sure the smell of your dad’s aftershave is another form of memory. I almost envy you as I just get visual flashbacks.

Take good care of yourself, you dad would want you to.

Alan

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Hello. I simply cannot comprehend the deep, deep pain you are obviously experiencing, especially as your bond is incredibly close.
Other people replying have given such good advice.
When you are up to it have you thought about buying yourself the most prettiest, hard-backed, notebook/diary and attaching a photo of your Dad on the inside cover and then using the book to “talk” to your Dad with. Writing to him everyday with your news and thoughts etc. I do this after having lost my Husband in October. Mostly it’s a comfort but not always. In any case it’s a safe place that is just for me and my Husband. I am sorry about your loss and pain and hope you are getting through each day with lots of support.

Thank you that’s such a lovely idea. I’m going to get a notebook. Thank you that’s such a good suggestion.
I’m in such a bad place. It’s like waves and sometimes it’s manageable and other times it’s unbearable. I’m finding I’m worrying about everything and the slightest thing sends me into a panic. I think it’s severe stress. I went from sorting his house and being really busy for the first two weeks to not being able to leave my home. I don’t get dressed and I just sit. There is no pain like this. Thank you so much for your reply x

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