I just dont know what to do? I cant explain it.
We found out last year and went away with him for a few days to his choice of place in Spain. We had a lovely time and made lots of memories.
He is so organised and has everything organised for his home, death and funeral to save me as much heart ache as possible. This obviously will save me a lot of heartache and stress but I just cant imagine my world without him. I dont know how to do this? I follow hospice nurse Julie and try to learn as much as possible but the pain and how scared I am is indescribable.
He has started with pain in his abdo where the cancer is, and is feeling quite ill but I put that down to his meds but after reading up tonight it could be progression of the cancer. I know he is scared, not of dying but of how and I want to make sure everything is done his way. I live with my husband and our animals. Dad has chosen to hopefully be given a bed at the hospice to pass if there is one available. He doesnt want to die at home and is scared of dying alone. I have told him ill be by his side holding his hand but I just hope I am.
He is in pain now and feeling ill like I said but the meds are keeping the pain under control for now and I am at home feeling totally lost and in a panic thinking how am I going to do this? Let him go? When do I know to be there with him? (I am also my mums carer) I have told him to ring me day or night if he is poorly or wants company.
Im just sitting here in tears tonight. So scared
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Hello - hang on in there. My mother had a terminal diagnosis in the summer and we lost her at the end of October so I know a little of where you are. It’s a horrible horrible lonely place, but I personally have never regretted for a second being there for my lovely mother (we had her at home for her last 2 months). To state the obvious, say everything you want to say as soon as possible and go on saying it. Go on generating those happy memories- I think of a trip to the seaside we did together and remember it so happily now. Get as much information as possible from every health professional you encounter (I learned the hard way that there was a whole lot more help and support out there but no one told me about it as everyone assumed someone else had told me….). Get ready to have to be/go on being your father’s advocate- you may find as I did that you have to fight for him to get the best care he needs. The NHS is good at managing death, but less good at helping those in palliative care enjoy their life before death…. Finally, I get the feeling you are setting yourself very (impossibly?) high standards - all you can do is your best and now you are on this unhappy rollercoaster there is only so much you can control. Be kind to yourself too - you can’t control what is happening as hard as we try and if you don’t care for yourself you will fall apart and not be able to look after others. Take it one day at a time and try to spread the load a bit - eg ask friends/relatives for help with day to day tasks to free your time to be with your loved ones. I’m so sorry you are here - it’s such a tough road - but take it one day at a time and remember you just can’t control what is going on and all you can do is your best. Love and hugs
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Thank you. I just feel lost. I dont know what I need to do for him. My dad has everything under control and likes to do it himself. Whereas my mum ive had to fight for and I watch over her all the time and she wants me involved.
Its worse because im scare when my mum and dad have gone im alone (im not i have an amazing hubby) but blood is mean if that makes sence so all my thoughts are scrambled up.
I just felt so useless last night with assuming the sickness and dizziness was meds then to read up and see it can be the progression of liver cancer sort of brought it down to earth with a bump. My best friend is also going through the cancer battle and hers has now gone to her brain 
i feel everywhere around me people I love are dropping away x
Im so so sorry - one thing that 100% will help is the MacMillan Cancer Support helpline. They were an absolute lifeline for us - option 1 gives emotional support but Option 3 puts you though to trained cancer nurses who can help you with what is going on with your dad - they were brilliant at helping me disentangle what was actually going on medically and arming me with information to deal with doctors. You dad may have it all under contraol now but a) no one is perfect and he may be making assumptions that could do with a second look and b) in due time he may need your back up. The sicknes could still be the meds - which again is why the nurses at MaMillan are so great. I know exactly what you mean about blood - no one knows us as our parents do and no one else has that history. And so sorry about your friend. Sometimes life just hits us with everything at once. Get your hubby to give you a hug and keep giving you a hug and trwat yourself frequently eg a nice bath. Nothing can fix what you are dealing with, but you need to be kind to yourself to help you be there for your loved ones. Hugs.
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I think this behaviour is what is getting him through. If he can focus on caring for you and ‘sorting stuff’ he doesn’t have to think about what he is facing. If I am right, then this explains why he is keeping you out. If the focus on getting everything ready is his vital defence mechasnism no wonder he fights you when you try to get involved as he is desparate to focus on something other than the illness and every time you try to help you are making him focus on what he doesnt want to look at. Of course it hurts, but if I am right his behaviour is not ‘personal’ (I know of course it is) but a pure defence mechanism not ‘keeping you out’. All of that said, still worth you calling MacMillan - they will be there for you and you alone, not him - and they can at least reassure you that there is nothing seriously wrong. And if they do think there is a problem, then you know there is a good reason to have a fight with you dad about it and eg insist he calls the medics. Given he wont let you in on the medical stuff, is there anything you can do that might help distract in a positive way? Eg a trip to the pub/a concert/a restaurant/a town? It will distract, give you quality time with him and store up happy memories for the future. I hold to memories of a trip I made with my beloved mother to have fish and chips at the coast - it was such a happy day. Hang on in there - I fear this will be a marathon not a sprint and you need to pace yourself.
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Thank you. Unfortunately he is feeling to sick and dizzy right now to go out and not wanting to eat much because of it - hes always been a foodie as well
I will contact Macmillan thank you. I spoke to them a few times about a year and a half ago when my mum was on deaths doorstep after a fall and found out about her secondary cancer.
I appreciate your time thank you xx
Dad has just rang me. Consultant has rang him re latest scan results and his tumour has more than doubled and is in more places on the liver now. Cant say how long he has now. Im gutted xxx
I’m so very sorry to hear this news. There is really nothing anyone can say to give comfort in such a situation but I’m thinking of you and of your dad and family and wishing you courage and strength. One practical thing - the key thing I wish I’d known in advance in my mother’s case is that her drugs (the same drugs that your dad is likely to need) exp are a) controlled and b) nearly always the sort that need ordering from the chemist as they don’t stock them so going forward you need to build in extra time to get hold of any drugs. I wasted a lot of precious time I could’ve better spent with my mother instead racing around the county trying to track down pain and anti-nausea medications..,. Hugs
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Dad went in hospice last Tuesday. I don’t think he is coming out 
I’m so very sorry. At least you know he is safe and with people around him who know what to do so you can focus on HIM now and not coping with / managing the illness. There is nothing anyone can do to ‘make it better’ in any way - but you could try recordings of his favourite music, reading aloud to him, brushing his hair, helping him shave bringing him his favourite food (and if that is difficult try yogurt, ice cream and chocolate mousse or fruit fools). And passing on what I was told, when someone is very sick the last sense to lose is hearing so go on talking to him. Sending huge hugs and wishing you strength and courage. Much love. J
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This post brought back a memory, when I had to get those pain relief meds for my Mum. Two frustrating weeks, back and forth to the GP, constant miscommunication amongst them and the chemists.
I always remember that day when they cheerily phoned me to let me know her medication had finally arrived. Only to find they had issued her usual blood pressure medication, that she stopped taking.
It got so bad I almost smashed the main door of the GP practice in sheer livid frustration. I still don’t even feel guilty for doing that either, all that mattered was my Mum.
@SoAfraid123 your Dad is in a good place at the hospice, they have all the pain relief medication, plus food, comfort, other facilities, all available 24/7 so it takes that worry out. All you need to focus on is the time you have left with your Dad 
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I sit talking to him and you wouldn’t think he is so close. He is still fully independent. Pics of him you wouldn’t know. Its so hard to believe thats what i can’t get my head around he is in a lot of pain and discomfort. Still eating but not digesting foods properly then being sick. Feels terrible and scan shows he has large liver and another tumour on the too now that is full of fluid and they can’t drain as would kill him. I just can’t believe he is going
So so sorry - full sugar ginger ale (with the fizz shaken out) can sometimes help (it worked for my mother when she couldn’t keep much down). Say everything you need to say, hug and kiss him while you can (you will never regret doing either) and you may want to ask him about his life and his childhood and his history as he may enjoy telling you and you can fill in any gaps in your knowledge. your best to store up memories.
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Oh thank you ill get him some tomorrow and see if he will try it.
I am trying my best trying to think of things, amazing how your mind can go blank
He has been very upset today, not nice seeing your dad break down but prob didn’t help cos I had a melt down when I got there. I just couldn’t hold it together today
They have taken him off morphine today and put him on something different but stronger. Thank you for replying xxx
I’d take a guess they have gone for oxycodone - it’s stronger than morphine and really good. If your dad can still tolerate fruit juice then there is a medical nutrition drink by Fresubin that looks and appears like apple or pineapple juice but is actually packed with calories/protein/vitamins and minerals. Normally those sorts of drinks are milky/creamy and too hard to have when you’re feeling sick whereas something like fruit juice is easier. But try the ginger ale first and see. Lemon sorbet might also work - a tiny bit at a time - and Tesco do a finest apple juice iced lolly that my mother adored. We broke it into small pieces so it didn’t look too much all at once.
It’s ok you had a meltdown - it’s allowed. We all have to get through it as best we can. When all is said and done you love each other to bits and you both know you love each other to bits and that is what matters.
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Dad passed away at 6.06pm last night. We were with him and I was holding his hand and telling him how much I loved him 
Sending you a massive massive hug. I’m so very sorry. There’s so little to say at a time like this of any meaning whatsoever- but whatever you need to do/say/not do/not say right now and into the future is OK - you will find other people have strong views about what you should be and how you should feel etc etc - and their opinions have no relevance to you whatsoever. You are you and how you feel is unique to you and whatever you need to do is right for you.
You will also find while nearly everyone is sympathetic a large contingent of people around you simply won’t understand what you are going through. This doesn’t mean they are bad people though they may say unhelpful things. It just means they don’t get it. Unless and until people have lost a parent or someone very very close of that nature they will have no idea what it is like. Try not to be upset by the stupid things these people say. They mean well but they just don’t get it.
I hope some of this is useful to you, if not now perhaps in the future. In the meantime, I will be thinking of you because I do so know some of what you are going through and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Sending another big hug. J
That’s what worries me with him. We have had disagreements over it cos he has it all planned and ive said I need to know because if it doesnt go to plan then I know what to fight for for him. Unfortunately things change staff may change or not read records. Ive said things over meds and he just passes me off like im stupid or interfering and that hurts. He spent a week over xmas ill and wouldnt ring his allocated nurse for advice against my advice and said I was upsetting and pressuring him 