I lost my Mum in 7 weeks ago to an aggressive cancer. She only lived 11 weeks from diagnosis.
I have been struggling ….still am….but my Dad said something to me this weekend that I wanted to share as it helped me and I hope helps some of you ….
.
He said that he can see I am having trouble accepting that Mum is gone. I really am. He said he will miss her every second of everyday for the rest of his life but that he has accepted this is the chapter he’s been given now. It’s not one he’d have chosen but he wants to find contentment and is grateful for having me, my husband and kids, his friends and wider family ……
they were married 53 years. He is living with cancer. If he can be brave and accepting maybe I can be too?
Post diagnosis my mum was so accepting and grateful for what she had rather than angry about the hand she’d been dealt.
I’m not sure how I ‘get there’ but I am going to try & practice gratitude & find acceptance.
Thanks for reading my slightly rambling thoughts. It helps to just get them out on here x
Hi @clf361
I agree, my mom passed from a brain tumour 3 years ago, it can be hard at first, but acceptance is the way forward, despite the sadness for the people I’ve lost, I am grateful for meeting my boyfriend, the special memories we share, & plan to make the most of the time I have. Life is full of changes, each new chapter in our lives are to be lived, our loved ones are their in spirit, & want us to be happy. Sending hugs.
Very sorry to hear about your Mon psssing. Acceptance sounds good but it is a process and takes time. Usually go through anger, sadness acceptance and back and forth with all that.
I’m struggling with my closest friend who is at the end stage of cancer… in a hospital several states away from me and still struggling with other losses
Get lots of rest and be extra good to yourself and patient with yourself.
Your Mom and you have a lifetime of experiences together. Many good
Stay in touch. Big hug
I find ‘acceptance’ a strange concept. I don’t really know what people mean by it. You can believe that something is true, and that’s the actual meaning of acceptance. I’m sure that we all do believe the reality that we are in. Although, shocked brains take a while to catch up. But is that what people mean when they talk about acceptance? Or do they mean ‘make peace’ with reality. I don’t like the thought of ‘acceptance’, personally. I’m content to not accept the loss of my dad, whatever implications that has.
Your words have really made me think ….in a good way. You’re right. I don’t really know what acceptance means. Maybe letting go of the wish to change what’s happened? Which is obviously impossible. I do feel I am battling with thoughts of ‘what if’. My Mum chose a Queen song for her funeral ‘Those were the days of our lives’. Some of the lyrics are below. I think Mum knew these words would take on meaning ….
You can’t turn back the clock, you can’t turn back the tide
Ain’t that a shame
Ooh, I’d like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinkin’ on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids
My dad said something similar to me too. 10 weeks this morning since we lost my mum. It feels so much longer. I try to remember all the good/funny times we shared together. My mum wouldn’t want any of us to be miserable.
Sometimes the loss still hits me so hard and takes me by surprise. But I feel letting the tears out helps as time goes on. Thankfully those moments are less frequent now. Life without mum is a new way forward.
I know not a day will go by that I won’t miss her and that’s just because I loved her so so much. So grateful for the memories we made.
11 weeks for me so I totally understand where you are. I have started some counselling to help to work through some of the more complex feelings. I will be forever sad and miss my Mum but I want to find a way through this new normal that honours her and I know that is for me to live with her by my side. Not remain ‘frozen’.
I saw this on line which helped me. Grief really isn’t ‘this or that’ ….
Yes go with the flow.
Might find you glow
Again and not full of woe
The sun comes out so I do what he did
Empty the rubbish
Turn up the lid
Dump it in goodbye
I sigh
Is he looking down in the sun
Saying have done fun
Is he everywhere
In what he left behind
Yes in the bush he planted long ago
Keeps on flowering
Cheers me up stops me glowering
Use his treasures tools to hack away
The same way his hands did that other day
Hear his voice far away
Saying that day
Let it die naturally
But there is a balance when no room fire more
He cleared the decks
And out of the wrecks
Always planted the bulbs. If I don’t clear the decks no room for spring time bulbs
So get out the rake
Get out the hoe
Look forward to another show
But the daffs and plant them in
So all ready for spring to begin
There is a rhythm in the seasons
There is the reasons
We go on and adapt
For to believe it is mapped
Might be foolish but it helps to be in the moment
For both of us now
So what if he is within my mind
I chose to be kind
Remember a nice time forget a horror
Move onto tomorrow
Today a toddler saved to me
I waved back and it made me smile
Her little face did so
beguile
Like memories of yesteryear
When toddlers brought such cheer
I love the friendly dogs walking by
I sigh and they come by
Hello they nose me
Doleful eyes you see
A soft friendly pussy cat says hi
Purring away oh my
Rolling around on belly uppermost
Tempting me to play
And make my day
The simple little things take wings
A robin on the fence
A toad in the flower pot jumps out.a squirrel scampers by
The sheep stare and the snails slither
. Very pragmatic.
& strength x