My dad has been given a terminal cancer diagnosis just like that no warning. I’m absolutely devastated I just can’t think of my life without him. Since my sister passed away it’s just been us. I have a loving husband and a good friends but I’m struggling so much to come to terms with this. I am constantly googling life after death in the hope I will see him again. My husband understands but doesn’t agree with me doing this as he sees the distress it causes. Any advise appreciated
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Hello @Caz86
I’m Seaneen, and I’m part of the Online Community team. I wanted to say thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources which might be helpful right now.
- Our Supporting someone at the end-of-life pages contain practical advice for those helping someone close to death and information about what you can expect when death is near.
- Our Anticipatory grief page talks about the feelings associated with grief in the days, months or years before someone dies. This is known as anticipatory grief, as you are grieving for someone who is still alive.
You might also want to get in touch with Macmillan who offer support to the families of people living with cancer. They have an online chat which is open until 8pm every day. They also have a free support line which you can call on 0808 808 00 00.
I hope you find the community a good source of support to you.
Take good care - you are not alone.
Seaneen
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I am so sorry to hear this, you have had the most devestating news and I am so sorry to hear you lost your sister too. If your dad is well enough to see you or do something with you, i would try and focus on the time you have together, as it is precious time, be kind to yourself xx
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Thank you for your kind words I really a
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Thank you for your kind words I appreciate it. Life is so hard sometimes but I will concentrate on giving my dad the best time whilst his here. Xx
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Thankyou it’s really helped being able to reach out to the community
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Hi Caz86,
This is the saddest most heartbreaking time ever. I watched my mum on end of life for 6 weeks and the feelings are something I can’t try to explain. You go through so many emotions especially anger.
As others have said spend as much time as possible with your dad and make all the memories you can. Say everything you want to say and take all the support you can from family and friends.
As Seaneen suggested there’s a Macmillan telephone number for support too.
I used it and can’t speak more highly of them.
My advice would be to really look after yourself so you can be there for your dad. Eat and rest so you keep well. Take any help from Marie Curie as they offer support to carers and family members.
And take one day at a time.
Yes like you I googled lots of things and sometimes still do.
I like to think I will see my mum again one day but until then I feel her presence all around me every day. It’s so comforting bec I really feel she’s literally walking alongside me in everything I do.
Hope some of what I have written helps you just a tiny bit
Love Deborah
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Thankyou Deborah for your reply it is a big help. As you say it’s so hard feeling helpless and then questioning everything. I go through so many emotions everyday you’re just emotionally drained. I have contacted the McMillan nurse and as you say what a difference that has also made just talking. Thankyou for all you have said it really does help.
Many thanks and love Caroline
Hi Caroline
Am so glad you phoned Macmillan. We all need something or someone to help us . For me I have found this site so supportive. I have been overwhelmed with people’s kindness on her. There’s always someone who replies and no matter how short a reply is it always lifts my mood. Knowing people care is so special especially when you are at your absolute lowest.
I had cancer myself approx 6 years ago and used the Macmillan helpline a lot. They were there for me when I was at my lowest so I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend them.
I can honestly say I have never felt so drained and constantly drained since my mum passed. Emotionally drained as well as physically drained. It has eased a little during the past 3 yrs but it’s also changed if that makes sense.
Emotions change and that brings about a while load of different feelings. It’s hard to explain but you will probably experience it.
Just take small steps each day. Don’t plan too much. Concentrate on yourself even if you don’t feel like it. Go with your feelings. Cry when you want to. Don’t bottle things up. Its worse if you do.
Post any time ok
Deborah
Hi. I can totally empathise with you as my dad recently got a terminal diagnosis and passed away eventually. Losing a dad or knowing that youre losing a dad is incredibly tough. I did exactly what you are doing now re googling life after death etc. What you are experiencing sounds heartbreaking. To offer any comfort…now my Dad has passed I do feel his presence near me. Sharing memories with people helps. While he was dying what I used to do was kiss his head and tell him I love him, then we would do simple things to make memories such as share chips, watch his favourite TV show, play dominos if he was able. He couldn’t really leave the house so everything had to be done in room. I found it very tough emotionally doing that but now he’s gone i find those memories of his last weeks very comforting. Knowing that grief is coming is so hard to cope with. Emotionally draining and emotions can run very high. Having recently walked that path I just wanted to mesaage and say thinking of you.
Allym
Thankyou so much for your message it’s so kind for people to show such support. I’m going to enjoy every minute of every day with my dad. Today was wonderful we had uncles and cousins all to visit and share stories we laughed and laughed and the smile in my dad’s face I’ll treasure.like you it’s the little things you do a cuppa together or a game that make marvellous memories. It’s an emotional rollercoaster when you are preparing for something so hard.
Sending all my love back to you and how wonderful to still feel his presence.
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Just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone. My dad was put on end of life care in March and died five weeks ago. It’s really hard to know what to do but what I learnt from having seen my mum go through end of life care and cancer, was that worrying about the end only takes away from time with them. It’s inevitable but every time I felt myself worrying, I had to remind myself that worrying wouldn’t change the outcome (my very wise mum tried to tell me this when she was ill) and to park the worry and talk to my dad about old times or focus on the good he still had. Obviously you never feel you have enough time with them but like others have said, make a list of things you want to ask him or do with him, pictures you want to take it have him see. My dad also liked hearing about future plans as well as past stories, I think he felt more connected to the future that way. Feel free to reach out if you ever need a sympathetic ear x
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