My Dad

We laid my dad to rest yesterday after only a 16 day from diagnosis to passing. I wasnt the best of children . I caused my dad loads of stress through his life . I hold myself responsible for his death. I’m 52yrs old now I thought I could cope with most things life threw at me.
My dad was a keen marathon runner , doing the London marathon several times plus hundreds of others. Even running a relay across Germany for charity. In his last days he did say he forgave me for my past, but my guilt wont go away.
He was diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer. Which took his life in only 16 days. I told him I was sorry I wasnt the perfect child and he did hug me and say he forgave me.
Im really really struggling. I haven’t slept more than 1/2hr a day for the last month. I’m suffering panic attacks . I held my dad’s hand as he took his last breathe and I watched as it left his body. Now every time i close my eyes I see this image and feel im suffocating. My whole world has been destroyed.

Hi Andi
I lost my mum in February 2017. She was 92 and I had been her full-time carer for the last five years. It was a big strain and I got very stressed and depressed and started being really horrible and snappy with her. I can remember making her feel like a nuisance when she needed the commode and being really rough with her. A couple of times she even said to me “Why are you being so nasty to me?” Fortunately my GP put me on anti-depressants which made a huge difference so the last six months were good ones but I too am left with all the guilt.

I loved my mum and I know she loved me and forgave my nastiness. I think parents have it in them to be bigger and more generous people than their children. Your dad loved you and forgave you - don’t underestimate him or his generosity of spirit and his love.


Hi Andy my dad passed away in March to liver cancer. I feel really sad angry and alone! I would love to be able to speak to you as maybe we can be there for each other x

Hi pippacow. Yes feel free to get in touch. I replied already to you then after writing a small essay it disappeared. If you want to chat I’m always here for you. It’s a horrible thing we are going through but it may be made easier by chatting .
Take care and stay strong

Hi Marigold thanks for your words they really do help thank you.x

Hi andi I replied today but don’t know whether it has disappeared? Thanku for your reply and I’m hoping we can speak to each other and be able to express feelings that not many people will understand. Many thanks pippa x

Hi pippa, yes mine went missing don’t know whether you do facebook or any other forms of social media. Just it seems abit tedious going through this medium.
Yes i would love to converse with you , it would proberly do us both good.

I’m on Facebook [Edited by moderator]