My dads died suddenly how can I get through this

My dad died suddenly on the 19th August, I can’t come to terms with this or neither say goodbye
Me and my dad wasn’t perfect and we hardly ever saw each other
When I received the phone call to say he was on life support my heart ached but wasn’t broken I was so confused has he never really made a effort with me or my children. I went up to the hospital I was going for closure I suppose when I got to the hospital and I saw him my heart was broken I went into shock, I stopped with my dad while they turned the machine off and several hours after until I physically couldn’t stop no more due to me being really sick and felt really unwell and my dad was fighting while I was there he wouldn’t let go half an hour later my dad had gained his wings, I never said goodbye I am not ready to say goodbye even now I’m not ready.
My dad had died and he was never gonna hold me again in his arms
I went into shock I was like a lost little girl and all I wanted was my dad I constantly worked to keep my mind occupied I didn’t want it to be true
The weeks went by and I was inconsolable I was angry upset broken lost blank I had in my face how good of a step dad he was and a grandad to their kids
What did I ever do to him? What did my kids ever do to him? For him not wanting a part in our life’s the upset turned into anger
When my dad was in the funeral home I went up and other day played music to him cried to him and asked him many of times why he didn’t love me like I wanted to be loved by my dad?
The day of my dads funeral he had burial I went up in the morning and I sat with him knowing that it was the time I would never see him again
Since then I’ve totally lost it I’m so angry I’ve been signed off work has I can’t handle being on myself I’m having really horrible nightmares I can’t move my dads face from out of my head
People told me to think about memories but the memories have been stripped from my head by thoughtless people
Please help with any advice I’m lost

I’m really sorry to hear about the death of your dad. All the emotions you describe are really natural when you lose someone who you had a difficult relationship with - it’s understandable that you will grieve for him, while still being angry that he wasn’t a better dad to you.

I hope that being able to get things off your chest here helps a tiny bit. You are not alone in what you are going through - we’ve had a couple of other people recently posting about losing an absent father, or a father they weren’t close to. You might find it helpful to read and maybe reply to these posts:

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this Online Community, just let me know.

Community Manager