My dad's first birthday without him

Today is my dad’s birthday. I feel so sad that he is not here. I just don’t know how I’m going to get through the day. I miss him so much and the pain feels as though it was yesterday. It will also be the anniversary of his passing next week so not having a good time of late. How do you get through these anniversaries?

Hi Joey,

I’m so sorry that you lost your Dad a year ago & that you’re sad and in pain today. The first year with all the different ‘firsts’ without the person you love can be so tough. My Mum died 4 years ago & I remember the first year so well. It does get easier with time.

People cope with the anniversaries in so many different ways. For me the first year was basically just spending most of them upset which of course is so understandable and really getting through them as best I could.

Over the years I’ve been able to do something on the day which my Mum would have liked. I’ve read on the forum that people still buy Mothers Days cards each year as this gives them comfort. You’ll find what things will give you comfort as time goes along.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Are you with friends or family today? It’s so important to have someone to talk to & share how you’re feeling.

The forum is full of lovely supportive people who will understand how you’re feeling.

Keep posting & take care. Trudy x

Hello Joey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. The first year is like a daze, you can’t believe what has happened as you are busy with funeral arrangements and sorting paperwork out. Then it is the start of the second year without your loved one and it hit’s you that this really happened, your dad has gone and thinking about a future without him in it is heartbreaking. It is also the start of many first’s. First birthday, first anniversary of his death, family occasions that he will never see again. These are the times when you look back and say ‘he was here this time last year’. The second year without him means that you look back and realise your dad wasn’t here last year and that you have made new memories without him and that in itself breaks your heart because from now on you are living your life but your dad is not part of it.

Whenever we lose a loved one every single person goes through this, there is no getting away from it, all you can do is live day to day, you cry and you cry, sometimes you scream but you get out of bed and carry on the best way you can.

I wish I could tell you it is easy, because it isn’t, my husband of 47 years died over three years ago and I still cannot accept I have to live the rest of my life without him, but I have to so we plod on. I look at his photos, play our music and cry.

All I can say is live your life as your dad would have wanted you to, he loved you and you loved him and he would not want you to be unhappy.

We are all here for you.

Sheilax

HI Trudy
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. Today I am visiting my family and if I can, go to the cemetery. I haven’t been since because I haven’t been coping too well. My family have been there and I am ashamed I haven’t been. I will try today. My dad is always in my thoughts and not a second goes by I don’t think of him. He was my world. Thank you again for your support. Take care x

Hi Joey

I too am so sorry to read about your Dad and that you have another anniversary coming up as well as his birthday today. I hope your day went reasonably well and that you were able to share some happy memories with your family of better days.

Did you get to the cemetery? My Mother’s ashes were interred a year after her passing and I haven’t been to the churchyard since. I find it too distressing to go there though have been past on the bus and was pleased to see a lovely blossom tree in full flower there. I prefer to have flowers in my house to remember Mum and think of her every day. Like your Dad my Mum was my world and I miss her terribly still.

I won’t say it gets better quickly, it gets different though. I am finding what is now the second year without Mum very hard. I carry on somehow.

Take care of yourself
Mel

Hi Joey,

How are you?

I know what you mean, my Mum was my best friend. I still go to ring her when something happens as she would always be the first person I would want to tell. As time has passed I am more able to remember my Mum with happy memories & thoughts. I still get caught out sometimes & end up crying - this grief thing is very unpredictable.

How did the visit to your family go, were you able to go to the cemetery? I don’t think you need to feel ashamed, I’m sure your Dad would understand why you haven’t been. They are always in our thoughts, we love them & they know that.

Trudy x

Hi Trudy.
I got through the day. Very emotional. I also made it to the cemetery after. I found the strength from somewhere. Just in a daze today. I wish I could stop thinking about the last days it was so disturbing. I don’t really talk to my family about things as they are not coping too well. Just hope in time it will get easier. The pain is so overwhelming. I am so glad I found this site to help me. Thank you x

Hi Joey,

Well done for getting through a very emotional day & being really brave by going to the cemetery. That must have been so difficult for you. It’s not easy to face something that you’ve been putting off for a while. I’m not surprised you feel in a daze, this whole grief journey is really tiring. Are you looking after yourself, are you sleeping ok?

It does get easier in time, there will be good days and bad days but gradually the good days get more frequent. I’m sorry that you feel overwhelmed with the pain at the moment.

It’s a shame you’re not able to talk to your family, do you have any close friends? Maybe talking with your family might help them too.

Have you got any plans for the Easter weekend?

Trudy x

Hi Trudy.

It will be the anniversary of my dad’s passing on Good Friday so another tough day to get through. I plan to go to church and say a prayer then spend the day with my family. I just canot believe where this year has gone. I still feel like it was yesterday and struggling with accepting he is no longer with me.

I have returned to work which has helped me as it gave me something to get up for. My sleeping is all over the place which sometimes makes it hard for me to focus in work but they have been really understanding. Since I lost my dad I have been suffering from extreme anxiety that is something else I need to contend with. Having read posts this is something a lot of people go through after a loss.

I hope one day I will be able to wake up and look back at the happy memories I had with my dad. He was so young when he was diagnosed with alzheiemers. He was only 54. He passed at the age of 69. I miss him everyday and loved him so much.

Hope you have a lovely easter.

Take care
Joey x

Hi Joey

Just read your posts about the loss of your Dad. My heart goes out to you. My husband died unexpectedly in October at the age of 68. I have two sons in their late twenties which is why I have so much empathy for you. You mentioned having extreme anxiety and that is something we have had to deal with. I found hypnotherapy to be very helpful in taking away the pain and meditation for keeping calm with breathing techniques. You can find some good ones on You Tube. I particularly like Jason Stephenson - he has one for extreme anxiety and stress and also ones to help you sleep.

Good Friday is always a sad day, I know it will be for you, but let’s hope Easter Sunday will give us a reason to celebrate that our loved ones are in heaven and we will be reunited with them one day.

Yvonne

Hi Scorpio

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for the suggestion of meditation. I will have a look on you tube and see how I get on. I’m really Trying to be strong but some days I really struggle to cope… How are your son’s coping? It’s would also be my parents wedding anniversary today. It’s all come at the same time. It was my dad’s birthday last week and the anniversary of his passing good Friday. The pain of loss is so hard. I hope in time the pain will lessen. I just miss him so much. My world feels so empty without him.
Thank you for your post.
Take care of yourself too.
Joey x

Hi Joey

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you today on what would have been your parents’ wedding anniversary. Also tomorrow which I know is not going to be easy. You take lots of care of yourself and remember tomorrow will be over soon, take it an hour at a time and tell yourself well done as you get through each bit.

It is a horrid time for you but please know everyone here on this forum understands. Sending you good wishes.
Mel.

Thank you Mel for your support. Today is going to be really hard. Feel really down today but like you said I will take it hour by hour. Thanks again for you reply. Take care Joey x

Hi Joey
I’ve only just joined the community and your post was one of the first I read. I really feel for you because I am coming up to my Dad’s 1st anniversary and his birthday. He died the day before his 86th birthday from lung cancer. Even though I had so many happy years with him, it doesn’t make it any easier when I lost him.
There is no easy way to get through these milestones. Try to remember the good times you had together. It helps me to go to places we visited and enjoyed. Even just a walk in the park is better than being alone at home.
I send my love and hope you can get some comfort from the kind words and good wishes which people are sending to you.

Hi Joey

Just reaching out. You have had so many firsts to deal with. I understand because I lost my wonderful dad last May and it is the pits.

I’ve had anxiety in the past and am worried it will return but I have been so busy looking after my mum who was diagnosed with terminal cancer 6 weeks after my dad died that I haven’t even had time to be anxious yet.

Things I have found that help that may help you too are…

Writing memories of my dad down so I feel closer to him and stop me panicking that I will forget everything.

Carrying around a small handkerchief of his that I squeeze when I need strength. ( no idea why it helps me but it does!)

This forum! Posting regularly and knowing I am not alone in this grief is such a wonderful support.

Yoga.

Getting out in nature.

Accepting help from everywhere I can.

Thinking “what would dad say”. I know he would be sad if I was sad so I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time.

I hope one of these ideas may help you too.

You are not alone. We understand.

Ann x

Hi Ann
Thank you for your support and suggestions. I’m also sorry for your loss and the tough time you are having. This week for me has been really tough. Having all the firsts of everything my dad birthday, wedding anniversary and his passing. I know it’s been a year but still struggling to come to terms with it all. I just feel like a completely different person. I was really close with my dad and miss him terribly. None of it seems real. He suffered so bad towards the end the hospital stopped all his fluids and food and watching him deteriorate was the worst ever. It just seemed so cruel. This is where I think my anxiety and panic attacks kicked in. Hopefully in time i will think of the more happier memories. I’m so sorry that you are having a tough time. Take care of yourself.
Sending you hugs
Jox

Hi Jo

You are bound to feel low at the moment

It really does come in waves and sometimes you feel like you are just going under but then somehow bob up a bit again.

I will never be the same person again but I am forcing myself to see any positive I can as my dad would want me to. The positive I am clinging on to is that i will no longer bother with selfish people and I will do my hardest to make the most of my life, in honour of my dad and mum.

The memories of the last part of a life can be harrowing. I don’t want to see my dad dribbling in the bathroom but I did and I do remember it. I try to remember him at his prime though and having pictures of him when he was enjoying life help me remember my “real” dad.

Take care and keep posting. It helps

Ann x