Im very very close to my mum and dad always spent time with them gone away with them etc they’vealways been amazing as parents supported me in every inch of my life.
3 months ago My dads was diagnosed with oesophagus cancer, he was ment to have a operation to remove it but when they went in they couldn’t because the cancer was round arteries, prior the op he was having chemo which shrunk the cancer but he was still feeling ill sick etc.
We went to the hospital 2 days ago to find out he has a year even the the FLOW from a biopsy hasn’t come back yet they said chemo and immunotherapy could be an option but seeing my dad currently in so much pain and weight loss is breaking my heart..I don’tknow what to say or do I feel so helpless and I know eventually ill have to watch him pass away..and I honestly dont think I can cope seeing that, I feel so selfish thinking i don’t want to live after theyve passed and obviously don’t want to say this to my mum or dad..I know he’s not gone yet but the feeling of dread that I’m gonna lose him I can’t bare it , if I can’t cope now how am I going to cope after he’s gone?
I’m Seaneen, and I’m part of the Online Community team. I wanted to say thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources which might be helpful right now.
Our Supporting someone at the end-of-life pages contain practical advice for those helping someone close to death and information about what you can expect when death is near.
Our Anticipatory grief page talks about the feelings associated with grief in the days, months or years before someone dies. This is known as anticipatory grief, as you are grieving for someone who is still alive.
Macmillan offers support to the families of people living with cancer. They have an online chat which is open until 8pm every day. They also have a free support line which you can call on 0808 808 00 00.
I hope you find the community a good source of support to you.
From what you say, I could not recommend too strongly giving MacMillan a call (option 3 for the trained cancer nurses). Not only can they help you understand your dad’s treatment and options, but they could potentially also help with suggestions to help him manage the side effects better. They are also absolutely wonderful at providing emotional support to family members. I was in your shoes in April last year when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and what I would’ve done without them and indeed what my mother would’ve done without them I simply do not know. We alas lost my mother two months ago, but I am absolutely certain we had longer with her and with a better quality of life than we would’ve done had I not had the advice and support of MacMillan. Hang on in there - this is a dreadful place to be, but you are strong enough. Hugs
Hello DSR, sending you a big hug at this time. My mam had an incurable cancer, and I really struggled with the anticipatory grief combined with anxiety.
Feeling helpless is totally common. All we want to is protect our loved ones, and it is a horrible feeling not being able to do that. I am sure your dad is grateful for your love and companionship during this time. Even if you do not know what to say or do, a hug or squeeze of the hand can say it all. I am sure your dad feels loved. If you can, invest in yourself to keep your mental and physical health afloat. A short walk, mindfulness in YouTube, or quick phone call with a friend can do wonders. I found small pockets of respite kept me going.
In terms of the future, there will be different support available at each step. You will not be alone. Help will be available. Coping feels impossible because we have so much love for a parent, but it’s also that love that helps us cope.
On the medical side, pain and weight loss - Macmillan may be able to help offer advice, but the clinical nurses and doctors may be able to help too, especially if chemo etc starts. They’ll be especially proactive at that time with supportive medication. You can also ask for a review from the palliative care team - they are often stigmatised, but they have access to lots of pain relief drugs etc that may provide comfort for your dad.
Let me know if you have any further thoughts or questions x take care for now