My Darling Mum

My Dad died July last year. We were never really close but I loved him as my dad and for everything he did for us. Also the love he gave my mum. He died in hospital and we went to see him every day taking my mum along. My mum coped with this traumatic time by not talking about him or acknowledging he had left us. my mums health started to decline and the walk with her to get the paper was getting slower. I thought she was just taking her time. We then were told that she had terminal lung cancer . I felt so guilty having trying to get her to walk faster. I bought mum a walking stick but she didn’t use until she absolutely necessary. We then went through the stick with a frame to a Zimmer frame. We were so fortunate to have a hospice at home team in Seaton Devon who were our angels. We had the talk with the doctor as to where she would like to die. Mum looked at me and I knew it had to be home with me and my soul mate Rex who lives with me and Bailey our cocker spaniel. The nurses arranged every practicality in loving her at home. Rex and I cared for her and we loved looking after her from the wash in the morning to the hot milk before bed. The evening before she died we were watching a fil but her struggling to breath made it in possible to hear the film so we switched to watch a very loud WW2 film. I had no idea that this was the last evening with my mum. When she was in bed I kissed her and said I loved her. She said I love you to darling. in the morning Rex shouted up the stairs that she had gone. I run down to see her and she had gone. I said mummy please don’t go please don’t go . I had never called her mummy before. I held her hand and cuddled her until the Nurse arrived ,’ it was Christmas Eve’ who said I should wait outside as the checks were not pleasant . The undertakers arrived and she was gone , gone for ever. I have kept her coat and some other things I could remember her wearing as well as an assortment of bits and pieces from dads as well. Its all in her bedroom here and I go in every day as I feel closer to mum there. I think I can even smell her in there. The days drift by and I still compare death to the end of the universe no end to it and difficult to comprehend. I am 61 now and left work about 5 years ago as I was suffering with my mental health I still am and manage it with medication a dog and a big garden. All my friends walked away over the last couple of years and my Boyfriend cheated on me so many times and I didn’t see that coming either. It me Rex and Bailey my dog. The other week a neighbour asked me how I was and I told her how difficult I am finding it and she put it down to the weather. I asked another friend to look after Bailey one afternoon so we could visit mum. The reason given as to why she couldn’t look after him was it gets dark early so she had to walk her dog early and she couldn’t spare a couple of hours. There was one day that I didn’t cry and as so many here say they felt bad / guilty . I cry everyday . Its a cry like no other where the tears are hot and I can feel them burning my face as they trickle down. My body convulses and I try to make myself as small as possible. I lie on her bed as I feel closer to her there. I miss her every awaking minute. Mum has been with me when my life is good and Bad. I miss her so much


So sorry, they say time heals,but it does not heal you just find time to cope. Sending you all my Love​:two_hearts::two_hearts::two_hearts:

So sorry for your loss I know exactly how your feeling that was me 7 1/2 months ago, my whole world fell apart when I lost my precious mum my best friend. I took 4 months off work couldn’t eat didn’t sleep separated myself from everyone including my 2 girls 12 and 14 I started posting on here and I’ve completed 12 weeks of bereavement counselling plus with medication I’m now in a better place I’ll never be exactly the same person I was before but I’m able to look in a mirror now and see me instead of a stranger in back at work and talking with my children and other people has helped so much I had the most amazing bereavement counselor who helped me unravel everything in my head and I’m gradually doing better each day, are you having any bereavement counselling at all id recommend to anyone who has lost someone close to have councilling I never thought I’d ever need it but I was on the verge of walking away from everyone and everything to be with my mum we are hear to listen so post as much as you want talking is the best medicine.

So sorry for your double bereavement. It is so very hard I know, and just completely hits you at times. Please take some comfort in your close relationship and your memories x