WHAT HAPPENS when you can’t let go off 50yrs of marriage to your loving soul mate after they passed on 21months ago? At the moment its memories, the odd snatch of contentment, but mainly alcohol, loneliness, and a hell on Earth. I want this done with with!
It’s really hard James and I wish I had a good answer. I don’t though I just try to keep breathing and I am not sure why. The longing for death that I did have is just a longing for absence of pain through now rather than that. It’s just so painful isn’t it. I am “only” (it feels like an eternal torture already) almost 6 months on so I can’t imagine enduring it for as long as you already have.
Nothing can solve this, we want our soul mates back. Maybe with some support it can be made more bearable on a daily basis though. Have you tried or thought about antidepressants or counselling? Both helped me a bit but of course the thing we want we can never have again… I don’t know how or if we can come to accept that.
A beautiful photograph.
As FleurDeLis has already commented I do not have the answer. I was with my husband 42 years and married just over 38 years. He was killed in a road traffic accident in September - no goodbye, just a memory of him leaving home with a big smile and a phone call three hours before the crash.
All I can say is that I will always consider myself married, I refuse to use labels others want to give me.
I have done a few things to keep my husband’s name alive and am contemplating discussing with his primary/secondary school possible funding of an annual award which would carry my husband’s name. I am frightened that people forget my husband and although at my lowest points - which are frequent - have had dark thoughts I keep telling myself if I go then who is going to keep reminding people what a great man he was. This is just my own personal way of coping.
Dear James. I loved your post - the attached photo of your lovely wife made that very plain to me. I ask the same question almost every day - how do you let go of who she was and what she meant to you. I lost my wife about 16 months ago ---- I still miss her every day. I wish I knew why I am still here. Bless you dear friend,
Herb (aka greencat1950)
I can feel the ache in your heart just reading your post, and I’m afraid I have no answers. Your words pretty much sum up how I feel too. For me, it’s 39 weeks today, and I know I will never be able to let go of my wife. As time is passing, I feel less and less able to cope and willing to go on. Like you and your lovely wife, my wife and I were soulmates too. I drew all of my strength from her, and she made my life worth living. Now, I don’t know how to live without her, and I have no desire to learn how to do so. The thought of anniversaries, birthdays, Christmases, etc, without her is more than I can bear. The only person to whom I can tell my true thoughts is my counsellor, but I still have other thoughts that I cannot even tell her. I don’t plan on spending long on this earth, I’d rather be with my wife. I reckon a year or two will be more than long enough for me to get things into an order that some of my relatives will be able to deal with. Until then, all I can do - like you too, I suspect - is try to struggle through each long, lonely, tortuous day, and hope that one day the pain in my heart will end.
Thank you Alston56,
Your post could have been written by me. I too don’t plan be around for many more years longer. As you say its a question of getting things in order that some of my relatives will be able to deal with them. Ive also dropped a few very subtle hints so when the time comes it won’t be such a shock.
It sounds as though you have thoughts and plans? Maybe not now, but in the not too distant future? I encourage you to speak with someone, talk your thoughts through with them.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s on your mind. You can call them on 116 123 or email firstname.lastname@example.org. · Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything. · Stay Alive App - is an app that offers useful information to help you stay safe. It’s available on Android, Apple and Desktop. - · You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
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Your words & feelings are shared by many of us, suffering this nightmare of loss & fear which seems never to end, not in weeks months or years.
As I looked at your beautiful wife’s photo, I looked into her eyes & thought ‘what would she want for you’?
I then asked myself, what would my Vince want for me? Not this, never this - so as tears roll down my face I have realised he wanted the best for me always. He would want me to get better and I owe it to him to try. Its the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do, but I would still do anything for my love, my big bear of a man, who loved and looked after me for 42 years. I owe him. I owe him big.
You post helped me, I thank you.
Hi James. I fear how you are feeling and I have wished the same as you ie to be with my loved one as quickly as possible but if you ended your life ( God forbid you don’t) then according to the word of God you would not be in the same place as your loved one so this is not the answer. I hope these horrible feelings pass and you seek help as advised. I send you my thoughts and virtual hugs. X
Found this on Facebook, so very very true
…never comes a day when you won’t wish for one more moment, one more conversation, one last hello, or one last goodbye. You learn to live with these wishes and you learn to accept that they won’t come true – not here on Earth – but you don’t stop wishing for them…
I agree all this way with this>
Dear Maigret , sometimes we become stronger in our character in moments like this (give it time, one day you will feel it, just as it did for me, but that doesn’t mean I am there - just going thru what you are ,),
My sorrow is for you Dear Lady!. I am sorry.
James, my heart goes out to you. My darling husband passed away in November 2020, we had been married for 53 years & the loss is immesaureably horrendous. I have a wonderful family who all support me plus I have had counselling but however good they all all nothing can cure the pain of my loss & continuing loneliness. I hope you will be able to move forward with your life & find some solace in the good memories you have of your dear late wife.
James, I sadly know how you feel, married 46yrs, my love passed away 4yrs ago. All these comments you get, ie, One day at a time. Times a healer, Its still raw, Will get better with time. Lot of nonsense! It doesn’t. Im stil wracked with grief, Loneliness, living in memory land, it never ends. Find a companion they say, I think not! Just the thought ties a knot in my stomach. Nobody can replace the person you adored for near on a half a century, companion or not. One thing it has done is diminish the fear of death in me…J
Hi John D
I totally empathise and agree