My daughter Lily

My beautiful angel Lily was born on 4th October 2004 and entered heavens gate 3 days later. She was born at 24+3 weeks and was only 1lb 3oz
When Lily was born I was very ill but decided I couldn’t stay at the hospital so decided I needed to escape and ran. I have very little memory of where I went but I stayed in contact with a friend and she was talking to my Lily’s dad. I returned to the hospital to be told my angel was taking a turn for the worse and me and her dad made the agonising decision to turn off her life support machine.
After losing Lily I learnt the best way to cope was to not deal with it so 13 years later here I am a mother of a seven year old being hit by this massive wave of grief. I’m having bad anxiety attacks (even as I’m writing this) and I have bad thoughts in my head

Hi Leannelily, I’m so sorry to read of the loss of your daughter Lily and for the feelings of grief and anxiety you’re experiencing.

I see from your other thread you’ve had a few replies from other members already, and I do hope you’ll continue to feel supported by our community.

Do you feel like you’d like to talk to someone about Lily? There are a number of helplines available and the charity Sands offers support over the phone to anyone who has lost a baby: https://www.sands.org.uk/

take care
Nancy

Thank u and yes but everything’s so overwhelming right now

Hi Leannelily, we have spoken before and I am so very sorry for what you are now going through again after 13 years. When I lost our baby 47 years ago, before he was born, I cried and cried. When I returned home I found that my sister had given birth to twin girls and they had died twenty minutes after being born. Whilst I grieved and grieved my sister went into a downward spiral and straight on to depression tablets and never came off them, she was never the same again.

I carried on as I had a toddler to look after but we never forgot the baby I had lost. I then became pregnant again nearly a year later but spent three months on bed rest in hospital due to non-stop bleeding. Our son was born then stopped breathing but thank god everything worked out alright and I now have two strapping 6 ft 4 ins sons in their 40’s.

My husband and I used to talk a lot about what our baby would have been like and when my husband died 3 years and seven months ago it brought it all back. All I could think of was that we should have had three sons standing by his bed, telling him they loved him, but there was just the two and myself.

You are grieving because of the pain all those years ago, my sister got through it in her own way on tablets but I cried and cried but you pushed it to one side because the pain was so terrible. Grief does not stay hidden, it comes and goes. Sometimes you feel everything is great then bang, the smallest thing can take you right back to what happened. The other day I burst into tears because I saw a photo of my dad, holding my sister and myself on Blackpool beach when we were 8 years old in 1951. He died 50 years ago. You think you have got over it, you think you have coped well but at the end of the day you have lost a loved one and that grief never goes away, it is with you until the day you die and every so often pops up and knocks you sideways.

I do hope you continue on this site because believe you me, you are not alone. You also have a small son to look after and he needs you. If you are having bad thoughts ring your doctor and tell him what you are feeling, but you also need to realise you are not alone in this, there are people on this forum who have gone through and are still going through the loss of a child and you will be able to talk to them , so please give it a try.

We are all here for you.

Please take care.

Sheilaxx

Everything’s overwhelming and I hate going the gp as you always get the sympathetic look

You need to think about yourself and your son. Tell the GP what has happened because he cannot help you if you don’t make the first move, he will be sympathising with you of course he will, if he was a heartless person then you would be more upset.

Just book an appointment and take it from there. No-one can help you if you don’t let them.

I don’t let my son see any of my emotions. That’s y I struggle of a night. I have to keep it together for him

I know this is terribly hard, but you need to get help for yourself. You don’t need to tell your son anything, we all put on a brave face when inside we are dying, that is how we protect our loved ones from seeing how much we are hurting. Just talk to your GP and see what he says then you can make a decision on the best way forward.

I’m already on anxiety medication