My daughter

My daughter has just died aged 30 unexpectedly but had mental health issues along with drug abuse. Anybody out there that can relate to me? This was nearly 3 weeks ago

Sorry for your loss, my son passed away in August, its only after we have seen that he really struggled with his mental health for last 2 years so many unanswered questions for us.

Dear Taff, Thankyou for messaging me. My daughter had mental health problems throughout her life but was diagnosed with a personality disorder in more recent years. This is why she had addiction problems . My daughters death is unexplained at the moment as waiting for toxicology reports. We don’t believe she ended her life but ultimately her lifestyle and addictions have caused her sudden death. I was her main carer/saver in her numerous problems throughout and now suffer huge guilt that I could save her from herself. We haven’t had the funeral yet so it’s still early days.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son aged 35 to an accidental drugs overdose, oxycodone and morphine. My son had suffered drug addiction on and of for 14 years. The roller coaster of a life for him and me. The worst time of my life and the pain horrendous. Waiting for the toxicology is hard but has to be done plus the inquest. All I can say is minute by minute. Take care x

Thankyou for your message, I currently go from feeling numb, feeling almost normal, huge anger outbursts, and crying desperately. I’ve had so much trauma with her the last 15 or so years that I feel conditioned to withstand trauma. I’m so used to going into rescue mode when she’s needed me in her various crisis from self harming to overdoses and trying to fix it all. I find myself feeling a bit like that now. Is this familiar at all??

All sounds very familiar unfortunately. My son also struggled with alcohol, but the drugs were not good either. He took everything over the years, even seen him on life support machine through GBL,overdosed on herion, etc. he was kind, caring, loving, good job, own flat…one stupid mistake has ruined me for ever. The pain of emotions run high, the anger, why, foggy brain, it’s all part of this awful journey. However please believe me, in months to come the pain gradually eases but it is exhausting on this journey xx

It’s very comforting to hear from you. Thankyou so much

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Feel free to private message me if it helps you. All I can say is be kind to yourself and you know you did everything possible. If only people could understand addiction is an illness, and it’s awful to see your loved ones dealing with it. Little steps is all we can do xx

Can I ask, are you mum or Dad ? Xxx

Guilt is a thing most of us struggle with, our toxicology report should be done soon, rhey said up to 20 weeks, though his ultimate cause of death is obvious. I have horrendous guilt abd an 8 page document of all the times i could have done better. Not sure how i can ever work caring for orhers now when i failed my son.

Taff, I know that feeling and can’t tell you how many thoughts go through my head every minute of every day. Every one that knows me tells me that if love and patience could have saved April then I would have saved her years ago. Unfortunately the addict has to be able to help themselves and let people help and if they can’t do that it’s because their need for the drug outweighs anything else on this earth. If they suffered with a mental health problem and in my daughters case it was a personality disorder, then that makes them predisposition to being an addict. The guilt will still be there no matter what people tell you but try to give yourself a break, carry on messaging. I’ll listen

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I am his Mum xx

I too lost my daughter 8 weeks ago through alcohol. She died unexpectedly and I can’t begin to explain how devastated I am. .so I totally understand your grief. We too have got to wait for the inquest. It’s so so incredibly hard. There are many questions I want answered to but I expect that there will be no answers. I’ve suffered many losses over the years sister, husband, parents, friends. But this time it’s different this time it was my girl.

I know your pain, I lost my son March through accidental drugs over dose and my partners son died aged 39 Friday evening probably through drink and drugs. Heartbreaking and destroyed.

Jodie, I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m only 3 weeks into my grief and still can’t fully accept she’s gone. Not just the beautiful adult she was but the baby I carried in my tummy and the toddler she was, and all the other stages of her life. The funeral is next week , I don’t know how I will be on the day but want to be strong enough to read my own eulogy. Feel free to private message me if you need. Thankyou for reaching out xx

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My 30 year old son died 8 weeks after a 15 year battle with drugs. Our world has been shattered

Your story sounds very similar to mine. My daughter died in February after many years of struggles. She too had a personality disorder and was ‘addicted’ to self harming as a way of coping with her feelings. I had ‘saved’ her on so many occasions as fortunately she always told me if she was feeling like self harming or had hurt herself. But on the night she died, I wasn’t there as she has been discharged from hospital to a supported living flat rather than back home. I don’t feel guilty about this as she wanted to try living her life but I had been concerned that she would have no one there in her time of need. Which turned out to be the case unfortunately.
We have a complex inquest in front of us. I am not sure if it’s better to know that it wasn’t intentional. It means she didn’t mean to leave her family. But it’s also so heartbreaking as it means it was preventable, well at least on that night.
I’m now almost a year in and it’s a strange situation I find myself in. Of course I miss her enormously but along my feelings of grief, I am also trying to get a life back. It’s a weird feeling to know that I can go out for a few hours without worrying about her hurting herself. And I know she would want me to carry on. But it’s so damn hard sometimes not to just curl up and cry until my eyes sting.
Caring for someone with a personality disorder is indescribable. All I can remember about the past 6 or so years is looking after her. I can’t even really remember the special events in my eldest daughter’s life, like her 18th, her 21st.
I have been to support groups for ‘suicide’ but feel like an imposter as I don’t think of my daughters death as a suicide.
Anyway, feel like I’m rambling now so please take care of yourself x

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